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for Without Remorse

8/30/2006 c1 murderprotocol
I was so excited to see what someone would do with the challenge I set down - seriously, there aren't enough good mysteries on this site. However, you've caught my attention straight up.

Loved the first scene. Colin being a little smartass, a freaky death - definitely off on the right foot.

Second scene - hm, intriguing. I'm curious to know why someone from Japan would be needed to investigate a death in Scotland. Just a few things I picked up. The ringing of the phone - I find it works better as a sound if it were in italics.

‘We have a strange case. Well actually it’s more of a request given to us by Interpol,’ his boss sighed, ‘Some guy was killed in Scotland and four people…including yourself…have been invited to investigate this crime.’ - for this sentence, you need a comma after 'well'. My next suggestion is completely preferential, but for me, it would read better if you had a full stop after 'Interpol', capitalise 'his' and full stop it after 'sighed'. Kind of just write the action, rather than say he was sighing what he'd just said.

‘I have no idea, but one thing I do know is that they’re from all over the world, by the way, how is your English these days?’ - A full stop after 'world' or maybe something like a hyphen would work better. Make it sound like the second part of the sentence is more of an after thought.

Have fun,’ his voice suddenly grew grave, ‘and don’t make a fool of yourself…' - also, hyphens in place of the comma after fun and before 'and' kind of have this working better.

Oh wow, I sound like such a nazi, don't I? Okay, back to the story...

Ooh, MI-5... wow this story has everything! I'm very intrigued right now.

'Clenched tightly in her left hand [were] a laptop case and her handbag' - I think 'was' fits in better here, but then, I always get them confused so you could be right. :) I also noticed a little further down you spealt 'peeking' wrong.

First line of dialogue. No need for the capital in 'he'. After that, any line of dialogue where you have narrative first, the comma's before a piece of dialogue should probably be changed to fullstops. But then, I could be wrong about that too. :)

I'm loving this woman. She seems quite sure of herself, and her skills.

I love Damien already! The reporters always are awesome. Just one small thing - I think Damien's 'corny idiot' thought works better in italics rather than between quotation marks. And I think in the last paragraph you meant 'his [love] for his parents', not, 'his [laugh] for his parents'.

Ooh, it's getting even more interesting. The work Nicholas does must be good to be getting letters from people all the time. Red head. I always write that as one word. I don't know if that's correct, so completely ignore that... :P

Ah, so now it all comes together... I'm falling more and more for Damien, and Naoe definitely gets props for the smart comment about getting along with a reporter. Just remember, there's no need for capitals after a section of dialogue unless the dialogue ended with a fullstop.

Isabella. I liked her before, and I like her even more now. I love that she's in law enforcement, yet was once a racer. There's no illegal racing implied, but you sort of assume that's what she did.

Ha, I love the bickering between the group already. I think it would have been completely unrealistic if they all got along. Naoe's comment about Isabella being British made me laugh, and Nicholas snapping at Colin was a nice addition too. I like that Isabella interviewed Jasmine. They always say women make better interrogators than men, and I think you got a bit of that theory across nicely.

I like gang marks. Always make a murder interesting. And it looks like you've done a fair amount of research. Either than or your imagination is awesome.

I love that Isabella seems so in touch with Naoe's culture, yet they don't get along. And Nick and Damien sharing looks - oh my. I laughed, then got scared. :)

Wow, this was great! I loved all the little clues you added in and how it all came together at the end. Just one thing, you said Lawrence was hung from the pole then killed, but a little later on you said he was killed then hung... Maybe I read it wrong, but you may want to check that out.

Apart from all my nazi-ness (so, so sorry this review turned out so long!) I enjoyed this immensely, and would love to read the sequel. I loved how Isabella's boss is like, "Agents missing, go find." and she calls up the old gang. I'd love to see the character's evolve a little more, what relationships follow... okay, I'll shut up now. Good luck with your writing pursuits! :)

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