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for Lost in the Shadows

8/7/2009 c1 1Engineer of Words
Short, sweet and to the point. Not bad, especially considering you wrote this in three minutes. But in case you were worrying about metaphors... Yeah, you're going to get a little heat.

"Shadows" is an unnecessary capital, unless there's something I'm missing. Same with "Someone" in the next line. They aren't proper nouns inherently, and without any further elaboration they will remain not proper nouns.

Wind doesn't breathe. Especially considering that breathing is not a violent action, that makes absolutely no sense. You get props for giving the quality you wanted to achieve, but not the full marks because "violent breathing" is more reminiscent of drowning children than biting wind.

"A smooth-flowing river..." is adjective-stacking. The adjective "flowing" has an inherent smoothness about what it describes, so sticking smooth on the front if it's useless. Also, you don't need the preposition "a" before "crimson red" since you don't have an explicit subject following it.

"Family" is another needless capital, as is the second "Ever so".

Generally you have a good grasp of the language and description. You're just making it a little harder than you need to.
6/23/2009 c1 27Muliebral
Well, we all know that high school grading systems are not the most accurate scales in the world... :) I wouldn't have given it a C.
7/16/2008 c1 4I see London I see Sam's Town
It's not bad for three minutes... A C, huh? I had to write a full on creative booklet a while back filled with poems. They all had guidelines, but we were allowed to use free verse, thank God. (I would probably gotten a C, too, if free verse had been restricted.)

The first stanza sounded verbose... "Abandoned to the Shadows of my heart/I no longer have that Someone I can depend upon." I like the first line, but the words in the second line over do it a smudge. The second stanza, however, has lovely imagery.

"As these violent winds breathe on my face

they pierce my skin and leave me with

a smooth-flowing river of a crimson red." Very vivid :)

3/22/2008 c1 emptyemptyemptyempty
'Violent winds breathing' is beautiful.
8/22/2006 c1 5jointedlegs
lol alright, i see your rush in the last stanza "ever so, ever so..." Perhaps ending could be stronger in meaning?

Anyway quite good for a 3 minute scribble i think. The imagery of a "smooth-flowing river of a crimson red"..I don't see where it fits in. is she crying? or is she angry...? doesn't seem like she's angry...o.O uhh or she just sees bloodshed or smth? Okay I need to work on my poetry analysis.

Could pass off as something good, really. :D Polish up a bit and u'll be bumped up to a better grade...I think.

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