for The Chronicles of Starlyn: The Fear of Magic4/29/2013 c1 
16One Last Note
Firstly, I'd like to point out the negatives - there were a couple of trite phrases such as "She was gorgeous, far more so than any other elf". This kind of implies that the other elves are ugly, which I don't think is the intent. Also, there is a slight discrepancy - "fragile but able to withstand an immense amount of punishment.". No matter the situation, fragile things do not take lots of punishment. Perhaps it would make more sense to say "her body looked thin and fragile, however, it could withstand...".
Other than that, I really liked this chapter, you pay good attention to detail and have a clear talent for luring the reader in to read more.
All in all, an excellent start, well done!
16One Last NoteFirstly, I'd like to point out the negatives - there were a couple of trite phrases such as "She was gorgeous, far more so than any other elf". This kind of implies that the other elves are ugly, which I don't think is the intent. Also, there is a slight discrepancy - "fragile but able to withstand an immense amount of punishment.". No matter the situation, fragile things do not take lots of punishment. Perhaps it would make more sense to say "her body looked thin and fragile, however, it could withstand...".
Other than that, I really liked this chapter, you pay good attention to detail and have a clear talent for luring the reader in to read more.
All in all, an excellent start, well done!
9/6/2009 c5 1CustomHero
Alrighty, I dislike reviewing... I feel really bitchy about it :P But I shall sacrifice myself.
The political situation as it were is a bit foggy... I assume that you're going to let us in on it a bit more?
As for Starlyn she seems quite important yet I dont know why?
There are some minor grammatical infractions :P and um sometimes when you're writing its all classy verbage and then bam! You lay a "got kicked in the face straight up" lol it just dosent fit :P
The imagery is superb and i really really like how the story is shaping up. I can't wait for more ! :)
All of the above is my own opinion and since i read A LOT of fantasy i have a lot to compare it to lol, so sorry if i've offended or hurt your feelings :) It's really a great story!
1CustomHeroAlrighty, I dislike reviewing... I feel really bitchy about it :P But I shall sacrifice myself.
The political situation as it were is a bit foggy... I assume that you're going to let us in on it a bit more?
As for Starlyn she seems quite important yet I dont know why?
There are some minor grammatical infractions :P and um sometimes when you're writing its all classy verbage and then bam! You lay a "got kicked in the face straight up" lol it just dosent fit :P
The imagery is superb and i really really like how the story is shaping up. I can't wait for more ! :)
All of the above is my own opinion and since i read A LOT of fantasy i have a lot to compare it to lol, so sorry if i've offended or hurt your feelings :) It's really a great story!
8/17/2009 c1 Counting Petals
"She was gorgeous, far more so than any other elf" - my Mary Sue-dar is gearing up. Especially with all of the descriptions of her "perfect" hair, her "stunning" eyes, and her "beautiful" skin. I'd tone these descriptions down a bit; you're laying it on a little too thick.
I can understand why she's turned to black magic, though, from the little you gave us, and I've gotten the sense that this is an action generally frowned upon. This was good, because it helps us get into Arria's head a little bit. This also lends a little moral ambiguity to her character, which could be interesting to develop some more.
All in all, a solid start.
-starsarewatching
"She was gorgeous, far more so than any other elf" - my Mary Sue-dar is gearing up. Especially with all of the descriptions of her "perfect" hair, her "stunning" eyes, and her "beautiful" skin. I'd tone these descriptions down a bit; you're laying it on a little too thick.
I can understand why she's turned to black magic, though, from the little you gave us, and I've gotten the sense that this is an action generally frowned upon. This was good, because it helps us get into Arria's head a little bit. This also lends a little moral ambiguity to her character, which could be interesting to develop some more.
All in all, a solid start.
-starsarewatching
8/17/2009 c1 5CuriousContradiction
Wow, you are very fortunate to have such wonderful reviewers. They pointed out the technical things and said everything for me.
You have a fantastic sense of description and imagery. The only thing that I would change, like some other people mentioned, was the physical description. You used the words "gorgeous" and "perfect." First of all, I think that most people already assume that elves are beautiful, and second of all, I don't know why, but those words just didn't seem to fit the tone of the story. Yes, diction is important, and so is originality, but sometimes simplicity is good. I think the word "beautiful" would fit better here. You can also say that her black her flowed down her back instead of "her perfect black hair hung behind her back" because... well, I've always been taught to use more vivid action verbs and fewer adjectives. (Essentially, showing, not telling.)
Otherwise, I'm liking this story a lot. Great hook.
5CuriousContradictionWow, you are very fortunate to have such wonderful reviewers. They pointed out the technical things and said everything for me.
You have a fantastic sense of description and imagery. The only thing that I would change, like some other people mentioned, was the physical description. You used the words "gorgeous" and "perfect." First of all, I think that most people already assume that elves are beautiful, and second of all, I don't know why, but those words just didn't seem to fit the tone of the story. Yes, diction is important, and so is originality, but sometimes simplicity is good. I think the word "beautiful" would fit better here. You can also say that her black her flowed down her back instead of "her perfect black hair hung behind her back" because... well, I've always been taught to use more vivid action verbs and fewer adjectives. (Essentially, showing, not telling.)
Otherwise, I'm liking this story a lot. Great hook.
8/15/2009 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Very interesting start.
I like your descriptions. They're vivid and really let me visualize this scene, but not too heavy that they weighed down the chapter.
The content is also good. This thing that Arria was attempting really intrigued me. To be honest, it actaully reminded me of Fullmetal Alchemist, haha. Her death was well-done, too. It really makes me think that this magic she was trying is really powerful if her own sister was willing to let that happen. You put just enough of these things to catch my attention and make me want to read on.
On a constructive note, I have just a few pointers.
First off, I didn't like that the second paragraph was devoted to describing her. The mention of her "perfect black hair" would be enough to get her beauty across. Anyway, if she dies, is it really that important to know so much about her appearance.
[ Her hair as white as the stars in the sky, and her figure as dark as the rest of the sky at night.] That line bugged me a bit. I loved the description, but it felt wordy and repetative. Maybe something like, "Her as white as the stars, and her figure as dark as the night sky?"
Lastly, a grammatical note: When you have dialogue, and then a tag like "she said," the 's' has to be lowercase.
Other than those few things, this is off to a great start. I hope you pick up more of a following for this, because I definitely see the potential for a great story.
2dragonflydreamerVery interesting start.
I like your descriptions. They're vivid and really let me visualize this scene, but not too heavy that they weighed down the chapter.
The content is also good. This thing that Arria was attempting really intrigued me. To be honest, it actaully reminded me of Fullmetal Alchemist, haha. Her death was well-done, too. It really makes me think that this magic she was trying is really powerful if her own sister was willing to let that happen. You put just enough of these things to catch my attention and make me want to read on.
On a constructive note, I have just a few pointers.
First off, I didn't like that the second paragraph was devoted to describing her. The mention of her "perfect black hair" would be enough to get her beauty across. Anyway, if she dies, is it really that important to know so much about her appearance.
[ Her hair as white as the stars in the sky, and her figure as dark as the rest of the sky at night.] That line bugged me a bit. I loved the description, but it felt wordy and repetative. Maybe something like, "Her as white as the stars, and her figure as dark as the night sky?"
Lastly, a grammatical note: When you have dialogue, and then a tag like "she said," the 's' has to be lowercase.
Other than those few things, this is off to a great start. I hope you pick up more of a following for this, because I definitely see the potential for a great story.
8/10/2009 c1 6Purple Snowstorm
Wonderful, wonderful story. This is truly the best literature I have ever read. Even better than three-fourths of the books I've read. The details and similes, metaphors, and every little tiny description is complete and creates a full picture in your head. I see no flaws in this, only amazing detail and many forms of creative writing better than I've ever seen in my life. Perfection on the names and magic and everything I read. I can tell this is going to be, or already is, a perfect story and one of the best on FictionPress.
6Purple SnowstormWonderful, wonderful story. This is truly the best literature I have ever read. Even better than three-fourths of the books I've read. The details and similes, metaphors, and every little tiny description is complete and creates a full picture in your head. I see no flaws in this, only amazing detail and many forms of creative writing better than I've ever seen in my life. Perfection on the names and magic and everything I read. I can tell this is going to be, or already is, a perfect story and one of the best on FictionPress.
8/7/2009 c3 Rochelle Gentry
A chapter written well enough to leave the mind to wander. Not too descriptive so much that it gets boring, but not too brief. Just enough. Very well done. Props, props.
A chapter written well enough to leave the mind to wander. Not too descriptive so much that it gets boring, but not too brief. Just enough. Very well done. Props, props.
8/7/2009 c1 Brad
Kinda, Confusing but really brilliant. :)
Kinda, Confusing but really brilliant. :)
8/7/2009 c3 Heather
i really like how detailed and understandable this story is, this is also its very own story unlike the goblins and dwarfs there some interesting characters. its an eye catcher for sure.i beleive this could be a world wide series if worked on enough.
i really like how detailed and understandable this story is, this is also its very own story unlike the goblins and dwarfs there some interesting characters. its an eye catcher for sure.i beleive this could be a world wide series if worked on enough.
8/7/2009 c3 8CraigAPrice
Thank you reviewers. Since I picked up my story since 2006 I hadn't had any reviewers. I'm so glad to finally get some reviews.
First of all, thanks for reading my stories.
ExcentricCreativity: I kept the Prelude short and to the point, I tried to get something that had enough action and unanswered questions that could grip you into the story. I used the same idea as Christopher Paolini used in Eragon. The prelude with his character Arya un-named I believe being ambushed. It instantly grabs you into the story, yet nothing is really reveled just a bunch of unanswered questions.
On the first chapter, I wanted it to be much longer, but as I'm just getting back into the story, I had to keep it short while my ideas for the story are just coming back to me. This isn't my bread and butter story of this universe. I'm doing plenty of sub character one novels, and then once I have enough background of the world I love, I am going to write a trilogy. I will try to get the chapters to get longer.
I try to never let a chapter end with a conclusion, what a waste would that be?
About the grass. I was just thinking about what it would be like if an animal had spent a decent amount of time laying down on medium length grass. If you leave something heavy enough on grass for a while it gets pushed down, therefore something that was there a shorter time would just be turned in the opposite direction because it didn't have enough time to force it all the way to the ground. The same concept happens with carpet laying, carpet lays one way, if you stroke part of it the other way, it will stick like that for quite some time.
Blaze: Thank you for the review, I'm already at work on chapter 3. I hope to make this one longer than the rest, though such a hard spot to input detail, you'll see in the chapter. I think I need to add more dialog and that will increase the length of the chapter.
8CraigAPriceThank you reviewers. Since I picked up my story since 2006 I hadn't had any reviewers. I'm so glad to finally get some reviews.
First of all, thanks for reading my stories.
ExcentricCreativity: I kept the Prelude short and to the point, I tried to get something that had enough action and unanswered questions that could grip you into the story. I used the same idea as Christopher Paolini used in Eragon. The prelude with his character Arya un-named I believe being ambushed. It instantly grabs you into the story, yet nothing is really reveled just a bunch of unanswered questions.
On the first chapter, I wanted it to be much longer, but as I'm just getting back into the story, I had to keep it short while my ideas for the story are just coming back to me. This isn't my bread and butter story of this universe. I'm doing plenty of sub character one novels, and then once I have enough background of the world I love, I am going to write a trilogy. I will try to get the chapters to get longer.
I try to never let a chapter end with a conclusion, what a waste would that be?
About the grass. I was just thinking about what it would be like if an animal had spent a decent amount of time laying down on medium length grass. If you leave something heavy enough on grass for a while it gets pushed down, therefore something that was there a shorter time would just be turned in the opposite direction because it didn't have enough time to force it all the way to the ground. The same concept happens with carpet laying, carpet lays one way, if you stroke part of it the other way, it will stick like that for quite some time.
Blaze: Thank you for the review, I'm already at work on chapter 3. I hope to make this one longer than the rest, though such a hard spot to input detail, you'll see in the chapter. I think I need to add more dialog and that will increase the length of the chapter.
8/7/2009 c3 21excentricreativity
I loved the cliffhanger! Those are my favorite! Just when I thought it was all over... it wasn't. That was exciting, which made me like the story more xD But now I want to know more =\ shame on you for doing that to such poor readers.. lol
I also really liked the tracking seen. Some of the things she did were really interesting. Like the grass that was turned the wrong way, I never would've thought that up in a million years.
good job!
-EC from the review marathon (Link in my profile)
21excentricreativityI loved the cliffhanger! Those are my favorite! Just when I thought it was all over... it wasn't. That was exciting, which made me like the story more xD But now I want to know more =\ shame on you for doing that to such poor readers.. lol
I also really liked the tracking seen. Some of the things she did were really interesting. Like the grass that was turned the wrong way, I never would've thought that up in a million years.
good job!
-EC from the review marathon (Link in my profile)
8/7/2009 c2 excentricreativity
I really liked your paragraph about the lightning shattering the tree. It was a very nice description and easier to picture.
I think this was too short, try and go for a bit longer next time maybe. Not enough happened in this chapter to get a grasp on anything.
All in all it was a good job though.
I really liked your paragraph about the lightning shattering the tree. It was a very nice description and easier to picture.
I think this was too short, try and go for a bit longer next time maybe. Not enough happened in this chapter to get a grasp on anything.
All in all it was a good job though.
8/7/2009 c1 excentricreativity
That was very intense! I loved how it pulled you right into the story. (I hate boring beginnings) I'm interested to see whats going to happen.. so many unanswered questions.
You maybe could have put a bit more description into it because it was kind of short, but your somewhat lack of description didn't hinder your piece. Good job.
-EC from the review marathon. (Link in my profile)
That was very intense! I loved how it pulled you right into the story. (I hate boring beginnings) I'm interested to see whats going to happen.. so many unanswered questions.
You maybe could have put a bit more description into it because it was kind of short, but your somewhat lack of description didn't hinder your piece. Good job.
-EC from the review marathon. (Link in my profile)
2/5/2009 c1 Rochelle Gentry
I really like the description you give on the story. ^^ I can picture the pot and Arria as she was transforming. Very good imagery. You should write more!
I really like the description you give on the story. ^^ I can picture the pot and Arria as she was transforming. Very good imagery. You should write more!