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for The Chronicles of Starlyn: The Fear of Magic

10/19/2006 c1 9rvtolentino
hello Searon, this is a new review for you. i was checking people's profiles and one thing led to another so here i am! i'll review as i go along, and i hope you don't mind an honest review (which i hope you can return, if possible).

"She is gorgeous". 'is' is present tense, and you've showed that you preferred to write in past tense (first verb in narration is "uttered", which is in past). that means, all verbs in the narration part of your story should also be in past form; thus, 'is' here is wrong, and must be replaced with 'was'.

"Astra elkarr mestril vilett ima anetorr kaztra!" WOW. a full-blown magical incantation, and in another language as well. i'm quite interested already. the meaning of the chant is optional, but i'm such a sucker for these kinds of things so can i ask what it means? XD

"Or have the rest of the elves blinded you from the truth, with their fears of the ancient magic". this sentence is more of a question than a statement. put a question mark (?) in place of the period.

"she is working on". again, erroneous usage of tense. 'is' should be 'was'. this is again repeated on "liquid surrounds Arria"; 'surrounds' should be "surrounded".

"lay there is her naked body". tense flip again.

"Gasping for air finding none coughing into the ground". this sentence was oddly constructed, so i suggest rephrasing this again. the best i can come up with is "gasping for air and finding none, she coughed into the ground", a suggestion that retains the exact meaning of the first one.

"Walking closer to her sister’s home looking to the ground where Arria’s body should be". again, another odd construction, due to lack of punctuation and double present tense when there should only be a single past tense verb here.

due to the shortness of the story (or the prologue, as it is), there were a lot of questions that needed to be answered, and not all of them good. for one, the background is very much lacking, nor were the reasons for Arria's madness or what happened to her mother that made her resort to using black magic. the story similarly features no solid feel, like it was a blurb or a passing dream, but i think this is maybe more on the shortness of the story itself rather than on your fault. so i think you need to write again, update, and let us in to the world that you've imagined. describe and detail it to us, make a history, and all that sort of stuff fantasies are replete with these days.

if anything else your story has an interesting potential, but as most people around me say, do what you think is best, then make a follow-up. if you think this is the height of coolness, then do not be discouraged and follow through! readers will thank you for it.

keep writing!

~DD
9/15/2006 c1 Xephyrind
Very Discriptive Prelude and brilliant use of Immagery :)
9/12/2006 c1 martin
hey its pretty good actually. a little jaggedy and maybe not flowing (transitional wise in some areas) but still pretty cool. what did arria become anyway? a dark ranger? or what... white hair and dark skin... err... (has no clue) anyway great job!
9/9/2006 c1 Ryan
Wow, so supensful! :P

Incorporate some Humans, Orcs, and

Undeads!

Hurry and right more! GL~
8/30/2006 c1 flak
pretty good work, keep it going for sure you'll get better the more you write :)
8/29/2006 c1 Tiffany
This story sounds familiar to a book that I've read before, but...what you wrote so far is pretty good. There are some places where I think you switched tenses, otherwise, I love it.
8/28/2006 c1 SAYSO
This is a AWESOME story...im giving it to all my friends to read. man GL being a mean author u rock bro!
8/28/2006 c1 POP
You know what would make this even more awesome? Switch race. DAMN THE ELVES! FOR THE UNDEAD!
8/28/2006 c1 Dew
Very good plot, overall story line makes you want to know/read more. A few things I would work on though. At the start the situation is too abrupt and switches to fast, maybe dont start immediately with action, start with describing the area or the characters thoughts leading up to this. Either way, definitely need more detail about the "cabin", whats in it, how she's sitting/kneeling, how she's feeling, or somewhat more detail on the area/situation before you have the other elves come in. Obviously if this is in the middle of a story that could have already been discussed (ex. if this is part of the 4th chapter etc.) if you want to start with this though, i would start a little more gradually.

Sincerely, Your father, Dew
8/28/2006 c1 37Adam Patterson
You’re off to a good start here. You have raw talent, but need to work on your grammar a little. Your idea, descriptive narrative and use of metaphors all make this interesting and enjoyable to read – keep it up!
8/28/2006 c1 FoHInfernaL
hi2u sir searon, it wasn't bad! lol. But thats maybe just cuz im a sucker for fantasy. hum what to say, i dont know for now but it was pretty good at least, keep it going.
8/28/2006 c1 Adam mathews
Great story cap! is there more coming ? more chaps
8/27/2006 c1 Mr Kyle
It was pretty good, I wasn't sure what was going on a little bit of the time but I guess that's to be expected. There's also a couple parts in here that switch from present to past tense. I enjoyed it though, even though fantasy really isn't my genre anymore. Good work =)
8/27/2006 c1 Lynx
Not that bad of a story... leaves me wanting to know more. However, something about the start I dont like... maybe it starts to abrupt, maybe it is to emotional for the start, maybe I just need more to read, but who are these characters and why do I care if Arria dies/disappears or her mother is dead. Maybe you want to shroud the mother in mystery and slowly give parts away through the story... but it does have potential.

Overall, I guess I would say it is a good prelude, it gives the reader questions they want answered, and starts with action. However, I would prefer some more story/character developement as well. Maybe start with Arria gathering stuff she will need for the spell and write her thoughts about what she is about to do.

So write some more so I can find out who these people are and what happened :D
8/27/2006 c1 scorpian0999
omfg. hurry up and finish this. i want to read more. and very very nice detail. u've defentially gotten better...
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