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for Fallen

2/15/2007 c1 7Lorendiac
So far, I find the general concept interesting enough. Stories about angels and demons are not the sort of thing I would be likely to write, but the world would be a very boring place if everybody were exactly like me. :)

Besides, I've always been a sucker for Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," and varations of the same concept, with young people from two feuding noble houses falling madly in love with each other . . . I do intend to keep reading more of your story to see how you intend to develop your version of that theme, but first I want to offer a review of your opening chapter.

I'm not going to bore you to death by talking about every single case where I think you could use an extra comma or hyphen or whatever. But I am going to quote and comment on a few passages where I think your meaning isn't as clear as it could be. I have a reputation for Shameless Nitpicking to maintain, after all - naturally I prefer to think of it as "constructive criticism." :)

* It had nearly caused a whole war on its own in the heavens at his rage when father had proposed that I went down with the embassy to try to help persuade the demons to form an allegiance... *

That's a bit confusing. Mainly, I think, because of where you inserted the part about "at his rage" in the sentence. It could be taken to mean that the whole war in the heavens almost happened, with the war effort being aimed directly "at his rage" as the target. Moving the bit about "rage" around could make it more clear that the rage was what almost caused a war. Also, I don't think "proposed that I went down" is grammatically correct in this context.

So here's my suggested version:

"His rage had nearly caused a whole war on its own in the heavens when father had proposed that I go down with the embassy to try to help persuade the demons to form an allegiance..."

* Now the archangel believed the demon world would be persuaded by false attempts of beauty. *

That phrase "false attempts of beauty" confuses me. Who would be attempting to do what? Or - this just occurred to me as I was typing that question - did you mean something closer to "false temptation of beauty"? That still wouldn't be completely clear, but it may be what you had in mind.

* His golden blonde hair fell delicately over my fingers, falling out from behind his angel tipped ears. *

I'm confused. What are "angel tipped ears" supposed to look like? I get the feeling that you have a vivid image of the guy in your head, but it's not clear how you imagine his ears from what you share with the reader.

* All royals are trained as Warriors you see. In the old days, there were kingdoms and assaults on the neighboring kingdoms were common. Now it was a tradition to train. *

First, there should be a comma in the first sentence right before "you see." Second, and much more importantly, the part about "kingdoms" in the second sentence is unclear. Saying there "were" kingdoms in the old days makes it sound as if there aren't any kingdoms left in her world right now. I believe you have the narrator refer to her native land as a kingdom, and in a summary paragraph at the top of this chapter, you ask: "Would the forbidden love they carry save the kingdoms from a devastating and once inevitable war?"

So I get the impression there are definitely at least two "kingdoms" in the world she inhabits - the one ruled by the narrator's family of angels and the one ruled by the powerful demons she's about to negotiate with, if I've got this right. There could be others, somewhere. Possibly you meant something along these lines?

"In the old days, there were many rival angel kingdoms," and then proceed with the rest of the original paragraph, same as before?

That way, the implication would be that in the narrator's day, all the angels have long since been bound together as part of one realm with a strong central government and they no longer fight wars amongst themselves on a regular basis, the way their distant ancestors did?

One last nitpick, thrown in at no extra charge, about the "first impression" I got when I read the summary of your story that shows at the bottom of your Profile. In that summary, your first sentence is a bit confusing. You say:

* She fell for the one person that she was forbidden not to fall for. *

The only problem is that word "not" near the end. It reverses the meaning of the sentence; makes it sound as if some authority figure gave her the following order: "I forbid NOT falling in love with him; therefore you MUST fall in love with him!"

Obviously that wasn't what you meant. Just delete that word "not" and you're in great shape! (I've had the same thing happen to me, noticing that a sentence says "no" or "not" when it shouldn't, or is missing a "no" or "not" that really needed to be there - and thus the entire point of what I was trying to say gets turned UPSIDE DOWN until I finally notice or someone else comes along and asks if that was what I really meant to say! Amazing how much difference one tiny little word can make!)
1/24/2007 c5 7Blankppr
Please write more!
12/2/2006 c1 Blankppr
I like the story so far. I have to stop reading now and do work but it seems really good so far. =)
12/1/2006 c5 3Shadow of Love
I like it very much
11/19/2006 c4 4MissXOX
O wow Angel City.. sounds cool! Hehe I only know how to say positive things, not quite negative but your story really doesnt have anything negative! Okay.. not i gotta go somewhere so c ya.
11/19/2006 c3 MissXOX
Hi! Anyways I felt like going on fp and read your story today! Its very interesting. Wow that girl's quite old.. hehe. Well I'm going to continue reading!
11/11/2006 c4 13Shadow Whirlwind
My best friend worte a story like this, same title and it also had the angel/demon sense to it. But then it was a fanfic so yeah...

Anyway, I really like the way you wrote this. Lovely detail. Keep it up! :D
11/7/2006 c2 4MissXOX
Gulp, that girls freaky... hehe awesome story! Love! Lol. Going to type my story now i guess. Ill continue reading next time!
11/6/2006 c1 MissXOX
O i think im going to like this! Hehe sorry for not getting to your stories. Haha like i said i was too obsessed with games. Anyways, I like the part where the cat/squirrel like fox part, it sounds cute xD
11/2/2006 c4 1souldriven
wow the classic angelxdemon pairing. I have to say this story has a nice charm to it. Keep up the good work
10/20/2006 c3 34RhythmOfMySoul
Oh my gosh.


I LOVED it! It was amazing and EXTREMELY well written! The added fantasy was in such detail that it seemed very real! Good job! I can't WAIT for the next chapter. It's coming soon right?
10/20/2006 c2 RhythmOfMySoul
I loved the second chapter also. The part where they had eye contact across the room was AMAZING and really good.
10/20/2006 c1 RhythmOfMySoul
AH! What a great first chapter! I LOVED it! Good job!
10/18/2006 c3 6Ember Nights
I cannot wait to read what comes next... please have another soon!
9/21/2006 c2 4Mynoris
I definately like where this story is going, especially the juxtaposition of the two Points of View, though I typically don't care for first person writing myself. There's a few spots where the flow seems to be interrupted though, so you might want to look it over again, perhaps read it out loud to yourself when you're alone.
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