for The Hands Of Fate11/28/2006 c4 awake.but.dreaming
great story! Sorry I've been lacking on the reviews, this is defintaly one of my favourites stories on this website. I really love how everything's developing. Keep writing and thanks for the review on my story :)
great story! Sorry I've been lacking on the reviews, this is defintaly one of my favourites stories on this website. I really love how everything's developing. Keep writing and thanks for the review on my story :)
11/11/2006 c4 
8Rozovian G
Was a good read. At first, the phrasing was a little annoyingly formal/fantasy-esque, but became more natural in later chapters. The changing of POV is something I find disturbing, but on the other hand, it does make the story far more about the characters, and helps to reveal something of who they are and how they think.
I did like how you decribed the immortals' names - chosen to instill fear in others. I makes sense, and I actually haven't found such explanations very often.
The cliched royalty meets extraordinaire warrior mixed with the human becomes superhuman turns the concept into one of the more entertaining ones I've seen. It's a little bit video-game-rpg-esque, which I, today, didn't find as interesting as I might have some other day. It is a good concept, I just had some trouble connecting with the characters.
You could improve by not trying so hard to use that formal/fantasy-esque language, just make it natural. Find the balance.
Another thing you could do is to make sure to introduce the characters in such a way that readers won't confuse them. Switching POVs make that harder, but with a little work, it's not a problem. I suggest you try to differentiate the characters a little more, and also make sure to be a little more clear with the who's who of the story. The prince and the female immortal were no problem, nor was the twin brother. When you went to Talon's POV, things got confusing. You could avoid such confusion by just making sure to clearly state who's who and how they relate to each other.
I did enjoy it, it'd be worth a full read. I'mlooking forward to more, if there's a fifth chapter in the workings.
8Rozovian GWas a good read. At first, the phrasing was a little annoyingly formal/fantasy-esque, but became more natural in later chapters. The changing of POV is something I find disturbing, but on the other hand, it does make the story far more about the characters, and helps to reveal something of who they are and how they think.
I did like how you decribed the immortals' names - chosen to instill fear in others. I makes sense, and I actually haven't found such explanations very often.
The cliched royalty meets extraordinaire warrior mixed with the human becomes superhuman turns the concept into one of the more entertaining ones I've seen. It's a little bit video-game-rpg-esque, which I, today, didn't find as interesting as I might have some other day. It is a good concept, I just had some trouble connecting with the characters.
You could improve by not trying so hard to use that formal/fantasy-esque language, just make it natural. Find the balance.
Another thing you could do is to make sure to introduce the characters in such a way that readers won't confuse them. Switching POVs make that harder, but with a little work, it's not a problem. I suggest you try to differentiate the characters a little more, and also make sure to be a little more clear with the who's who of the story. The prince and the female immortal were no problem, nor was the twin brother. When you went to Talon's POV, things got confusing. You could avoid such confusion by just making sure to clearly state who's who and how they relate to each other.
I did enjoy it, it'd be worth a full read. I'mlooking forward to more, if there's a fifth chapter in the workings.
10/30/2006 c4 4MissXOX
haha yup dragons! ^.^ Hmm i got no idea on the plot.. but i think the dragons are going to lost! Hehe keep writing!
4MissXOXhaha yup dragons! ^.^ Hmm i got no idea on the plot.. but i think the dragons are going to lost! Hehe keep writing!
10/30/2006 c3 MissXOX
Hi. I like how you described the fighting scenes hehe. I dont have much questions.. Lol i dont know but this part is kind of funny hahaha "Hello, I’m immortal. If I break my spine, I’ll still live." lol hehe nice =)
Hi. I like how you described the fighting scenes hehe. I dont have much questions.. Lol i dont know but this part is kind of funny hahaha "Hello, I’m immortal. If I break my spine, I’ll still live." lol hehe nice =)
10/29/2006 c2 MissXOX
heh this is long... lol some words i dont understand. But you got lots of discriptive words =)
heh this is long... lol some words i dont understand. But you got lots of discriptive words =)
9/6/2006 c1 11Torn and Tattered
there were no mistakes... i discussed this with Aldrea-Draco and cleared this up. it was a general mistake that could be made by any human being, saying that we're not perfect, and the sentence remained as it was, for the meaning is best preserved in that sentence. if that made any sense to the lot of you.
Anyways, thanks all!
-Phoenix
11Torn and Tatteredthere were no mistakes... i discussed this with Aldrea-Draco and cleared this up. it was a general mistake that could be made by any human being, saying that we're not perfect, and the sentence remained as it was, for the meaning is best preserved in that sentence. if that made any sense to the lot of you.
Anyways, thanks all!
-Phoenix
9/6/2006 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
Aw, don't make the bird eat the little kid. Poor thing.
I keed, do whatever you want.
I'd love to be able to run on water...
Keep writing! Can't wait to see another wonderful chapter.
5Dr. Self DestructAw, don't make the bird eat the little kid. Poor thing.
I keed, do whatever you want.
I'd love to be able to run on water...
Keep writing! Can't wait to see another wonderful chapter.
9/6/2006 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
Very cool, I always love reading things about 'immortals'. Also, the way you described them in the beginning was very nicely done. Can't help but feel pity for them and how they're treated.
Aside from a few spelling errors, everything is wonderful.
Very cool, I always love reading things about 'immortals'. Also, the way you described them in the beginning was very nicely done. Can't help but feel pity for them and how they're treated.
Aside from a few spelling errors, everything is wonderful.
9/3/2006 c1 39EmoAssassin
Very nice! You have mortal! lol! tum-tum-tum-tum-tum! I am being really random! and HUMMING! adding to fav. stories!
39EmoAssassinVery nice! You have mortal! lol! tum-tum-tum-tum-tum! I am being really random! and HUMMING! adding to fav. stories!
9/2/2006 c1 2Ephraim Sol
Very, Very, Very well done! I have to say, my friend, I'm impressed duly.
If an author of your calibre would read my fiction writing, I would be honored beyond compare. If you wish to do so, though I doubt it shall be upto your standards, it is named Winged Seraph.
Please do so. You have my utmost respect.
2Ephraim SolVery, Very, Very well done! I have to say, my friend, I'm impressed duly.
If an author of your calibre would read my fiction writing, I would be honored beyond compare. If you wish to do so, though I doubt it shall be upto your standards, it is named Winged Seraph.
Please do so. You have my utmost respect.
9/2/2006 c1 1Dire Calamity
You have. No idea. How glad I am to find someone who doesn't write as if they were in some RP board. It was an amazing story, very origional, and nicely witty. The last bit at the end made me laugh. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!
1Dire CalamityYou have. No idea. How glad I am to find someone who doesn't write as if they were in some RP board. It was an amazing story, very origional, and nicely witty. The last bit at the end made me laugh. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!