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1/6/2016 c1 Tw1nkl3t03s
This is absolutely beautiful. I cried!

I wish I was this talented during math class. I am lucky if I can pull of stick figures.

Thank you geometry for giving this writer the inspiration to write this.

You are a gifted writer please continue writing
6/16/2011 c1 24Elennar
Spelling/Grammar:

So, I wanted to start with this because I think cleaning up in this department will help this piece tremendously, making it really shine.

So, here are a few issues I found, but still be sure to look over this with a hawk's eye later as well; in case I missed something.

"His favorite team was winning and he definitely can't miss the game"

Tense mix up: 'can't' should be 'couldn't'

"he noticed the dark circles under her eye"

Should be 'eyes'

"Even until today"

I believe it should be "Even today"

"I looked up at her"

I really do think it's supposed to be 'looked up TO her' especially in the sense of admiring or idolising someone.

I also found other tense mix ups and the like: but nothing that can't be fixed with 30 minutes of quick editing.

Writing:

While, in its entirety, your writing doesn't have any issues with it; there were places where it came across as 'lazy'. By that I mean, there were times when you 'told' your reader what was happening, instead of 'showing' them.

Like, "He chuckled nervously".

This is telling because you're basically feeding your readers Nathan's nervousness, something that they won't appreciate.

Instead, use body language to show your readers that same thing.

For example, us guys have a very tell-tale way of showing nervousness: we tend to reach back and rub the back of our heads, or the napes of our necks.

Little details like that will really spice up your writing.

Plot:

OK, so, while the plot is somewhat cliched, I'll also have to tell you that isn't cliched beyond salvage.

The strongest point of the plot is definitely the sense of personal tragedy, which is very powerful as a device.

The weakest link that I found here would be the lack of subtlety in this piece.

I mean, I get how suddenly developing feelings for your best friend can be overwhelming for a school going student. I can also get how it would lead to a certain *kind* of distancing: but I don't think it would ever lead to a full blown separation like that.

Primarily because Nathan would be much too addicted to Brooke's company to abandon her. His feelings wouldn't let him leave her, because no one is that self less.

Other:

I must say that what really drew me in to this story was the raw emotion of the piece. The other thing would have to be the "parallel line" analogy because I found that absolutely enthralling.

However, the problems I had were more about the finer nuances, actually.

Hope this helps!
6/16/2011 c1 6Findus
Hi there. Findus here. I recognize the amount of emotion you have put into this story and I can understand Nathan's instinct to pull back, not able to handle these new emotions. However, i think you could have softened the mid part, where she lies in the mud. Being ignored by a best friend is painful enough and it'd have made more sense from Nathan's point of view. - Er, but what do I know. :) Just thought the story could have stood very well without that part or maybe I'm just uncomfortable with the violence. I like the last paragraphs. How hard it is to just simply keep living after a loss, especially on where there are unresolved issues as deep as the ones between these two ex-friends.

Hope any of this helps. Thanks for the read!
11/10/2006 c1 5HawkDancer
I thought this one was really good! I was supposed to review you last week, but didn't have the time... Sorry!

'Nyways, I really, really liked this one. It was so sad and... good. One little thing you have to improve one is just to make sure the reader knows what's happening. I got lost a few times. ^.^;; Still luffed it!
10/30/2006 c1 17angels and effects
This sucks? You've got to be kidding! This is SO FREAKING SAD, I can't help but wonder at all the cliches here in FP. Parallel lines are definitely a great analogy to work on - my teacher was talking about this film too, and the tagline was 'one day, parallel lines will meet'. We were in Physics and my teacher was saying how this is impossible really, but it got me thinking. And then I read this. This is actually very similar to one of my one-shots, only mine had a happy ending. Guy gets popular and starts ignoring his best friend while secretly loving her. Very emotional as well - the letter brought Brooke's feelings across very sharply. Once again, the killing herself ending made me kind of sniffle. Seriously, the worst thing that can happen to you is the person you love dying and you never got to tell him/her how you feel about him/her. And god, this is so like another of my one-shots.

Anyway, enough with the rambling... you brought your point across very relevantly, no beating around the bush. No big chunks of paragraphs, which frankly get on my nerves sometimes. Great portrayal of the characters, their intense feelings for each other, how they never got to say to each other's face those three letters... I have to say, this just got to me.

Oh, and I definitely prefer Geometry over Trig. Haha :D

Louisa

reviewers_found
10/29/2006 c1 4Walking Catastrophe
Wow. That's sad but it seemed a little bit too much to me. Suicide over that? Well, the world is full of possibilities.
10/29/2006 c1 89Lady DreamWriter
This is one of those pieces that make you want to scream at the characters for being so stupid even as you are crying your eyes out. Great job with this.
10/22/2006 c1 M.D.Irvine
wow his punishment is living with all that guilt and pain. sad one shot. i dont understand y he hurt her physically though that was crossing the line

oh well i liked this
9/8/2006 c1 4Faedora
Yay! It's another one-shot :) I love these, honestly. And while this one isn't bad or anything, as I still enjoyed it, I think it's lacking in...something. Personally, I think it's a bit confusing, and it takes a while to finally understand Brooke and Nathan's relationship. From what I can decipher, they used to be best friends, but he left her and now she thinks he hates her? Ah, possibility. Apparently, he's one hell of an actor, if he could pull that stunt off so well, well enough that Brooke would kill herself over it. Either way, I like the plot, as its different but unique all the same. And while there are a few grammatical and overall structural errors, the story isn't marred in any way. Good job, and I hope to see more from you!

Much love - Faedora
9/8/2006 c1 siaomeen
geesh.. thats the worst thing.. not knowin g how the other person feels.. till death do us part seems so far away... i have this impression that brooke sound like a black girl.. whats her background like?
9/8/2006 c1 14joby4ever
haha! go hannah!great stroy!good plot yeah!hope to c an update soon!
9/7/2006 c1 4Imalefty
wow, this is really sad. it's quite depressing... ;_;

despite the story being sad, i think it's quite well written. i love the use of italics, bold, and underline. it's a bit vague on just what happened between the two, but it somehow makes sense anyway. your use of short paragraphs really adds to the mood, and your idea on parallel lines that never meet is really interesting. great job!

-Lefty

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