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1/10/2007 c7 9Alteng
I am not too sure about Cameron and Warren's relationship. I would have thought that Warren would be really seriously upset with her for the betrayal. After all, she is a human, and he is none too fond of humans.

The fight with Troy was interesting to say the least. I can Warren's point of irony in not killing him, but it seems that Troy would have had guards and he would have had them attack this insolent half sphinx.

Enough gripping on my part. The way that Warren won the fight with Troy went over well, and I can see Troy as a spoiled little prince in the actions.
1/10/2007 c6 Alteng
MInd you, I just received the update for the chapter last week. Anyway, I am back.

Cameron reminds me of my character Schone, whom I have yet to introduce to Bane of Rendsberg, but I'm getting there.

I do like that Warren doesn't turn around and try to save the girl from Troy. It makes him selfish and less heroic, but some heroes need provocation, and not every one is a goody goody. Warren is a bit too arrogant for his own good, and I like that about him.

It is a nice thing to note about his reflections of the easier times at home, and how those times are now lost. Especially since he was so eager to get out of the domes.
11/7/2006 c5 Alteng
I was going to say that Troy would have the horse killed. Warren is really going to be pissed!

The line about the looking in the eyes was almost human was an intereseting little ironic phrase there. Troy was human (or so I assume) but there is nothing glorified about this human being. I would much rather be a souless animal, mind you.

The contrast of the first scene was wonderful. You built such a tranquility to have it shattered by the useless murder of the dragon. Troy is truly scum. He has no redeeming quality about him. This is a mild critique that I could say to that. He should have some small redeeming quality. Such things make for a good villain.

Anyway, good chapter, and I did enjoy this one better than the last one. There was a lot of work put into this one.
11/6/2006 c5 1marjorievonnordeck
Hi there,

I really liked this chapter! Here's just once correction... I'll go threw and get some of the little things with a full beta when I read threw the verstion you e-mailed me later. I just wanted to stop by and read it thrwe first. Very nice to see Troy.


Paragraph 2: "He had thought he'd heard something far in the distance, and sensed some strange evil that crept into the woods." - This scentnece has 2 problems:

1) "He had thought he'd heard..." - if you break this down you are saying- He had thought he had heard- this is very repeditive and pasive, and not really nessacary... How about just "He thought he heard" that way the scentance is less pasive and more active and not repeditive.

2) This is a run on scentance. Here's a sugestion: "He thought he heard something far in the distance. His senses told him that some strange evil crept into the woods." or something like that.
11/2/2006 c4 marjorievonnordeck
Sense I posted a review on the old chapter 3 it will not let me post a new one, so this will be fore ch 3 Revised and ch 4 here

I can see your writing has improved vastly. The opening in chapter three is very powerful, as it also is in this chapter.

The only thing is you need to watch your "to be" verbs a little. They can make your writing a little pasive, but all in all much improved! Congrats.

I can't wait to see how the story progresses into chapter 5!

11/2/2006 c2 marjorievonnordeck

Again I'm not sure when this was posted in relation to our beta work because you've never sent me your revised verstions for me to look over. Lol. it's ok though, don't worry about that. Again a few grammar things, but that will continue to improve with time... The maine thing I wanted to mention here is the opening paragraph: It reads kind of like a shopping list. No listing missy. Your readers want you to let them "see" what is going on, not to be "told". Other wise, good.

11/2/2006 c1 marjorievonnordeck
Hi there.

Is this the revised verstion after my beta read? I can't quite tell. It's better than the last time I came by and read your stuff, but it's still a little rough around the edges. All in all though I can see your writing improving already. Just watch your tenses and grammar. Don't forget that self editing thing I sent you... O, and another good trick to catch thoes little things, try reading your peace backwords one scentance at a time - that way your brain can't jump ahead as you're trying to edit. ;)

10/31/2006 c4 9Alteng
Ha, I seem to recall Warren and Blaze. So, now we know what happened to him on his adventure outside the dome. Wonder what happened to his elven friend.

You do have a thing for the violence, but I am likewise bad for it. I enjoy torturing characters. It is so much fun.

I feel for the girl. I am being horrible with names this morning, mind you.

Oh well, I seem to be caught uo now. This has been a good story so far, and the plot seems to be thickeing.

Oh, and a nice ironic thing about Warren being all upset about being touched by humans there, since he is half human. Of course, his father was scum, but he is still human.
10/31/2006 c3 Alteng
You do well in writing the characters. The sohinx makes for a rather different character. I like his violent arrogance (reminds me of my penname's namesake).

The comment about how the sphinx doesn't feel pain like everyone else was a nice touch as well. It shows many levels of that character (can't remember his name).

And I have one more chapter to go. It is a pleasure to read this story, but I do hope that someday you will return the favor.
10/30/2006 c1 7Marinus
A very dark and descriptive first chaper, Rosemarine. I like it a lot. Just a few things, though:

1) 'Preduduice' is actually spelt Prejudice

2) 'bitter-sweet' this is actually all one word.

3) '...and forget. Everything.' This sentence structure seems broken and stilted; another 'forget' before the 'Everything' would add emphasis and make the sentences flow more smoothly, in my opinion.

4) 'groaned on it's hinges' You mean 'its hinges' There is no apostrophe.

5) 'I could hear that one pair made a clean 'step, step' of a well-made pair' the double usage of 'pair' sounds a little odd; perhaps use the word 'set' instead: 'I could hear that one set made the clean, echoing 'step, step'...'

6) 'For noone in the palace' A hyphen between 'no' and 'one' is needed: 'no-one'

7) 'His voice was clean...' don't overuse the word 'clean'. Try 'refined' or 'aristocratic' or 'precise' instead.

8) 'equipped with renewed...' I don't really think that one can 'equip' a voice with something; it sounds rather like one is putting on a piece of armour. Perhaps try 'charged with renewed...' instead.

9) '"Lovely."' A comma instead of a full stop.

10) 'Then lets dispense...' an apostrophe is required: 'let's'

11) 'His eyes never left mine as I bored into his, and I realized...' The sentence doesn't make sense; try 'His eyes never left mine as they bored into him, and I realized with a brief stab of fear how similar they were to mine.'

12) 'Fistful of my tussled hair...' I think you mean 'tousled' instead.

13) 'No, your foster mother; everyone knows your birth-mother was a sphinx, so don't fret' This doesn't actually make sense, unless Warren has asked 'My birth-mother?' beforehand. Try swapping things around; 'Not your birth-mother; everyone knows she was a sphinx. No, your foster-mother. Ramona.'

14) 'living thingsconsidered' I'm sure you can spot it; a space between 'things' and 'considered.'

This really is a superb opening, though; don't feel discouraged by the little mistakes I've found. Good luck to you, Rosemarine, and keep writing.
10/30/2006 c2 9Alteng
This chapter had a nice description of what the sphinxes look like and it did explain a lot about the society in which they live. I certainly look forward to reading the next chapter and understand more of what is going on.
10/27/2006 c1 Alteng
I was looking forward to some pain and torure . . . the sick little person that I am. This seems to be well tied with the "What Makes me Human" story. I might have finish reading that one.

Ah, a thought for you. A sphinx is a breed of of many other breeds. There is lion and eagle in there, you know, and something humanoid.

I like that Troy is a handsome piece, but you didn't describe how the Keeper was so opposite, except for musty hair. Still, it is a nice begining for a story.
10/2/2006 c3 1marjorievonnordeck
Hi there. I came here after you sugestion; from your review of my own wrtiting... I did really enjoy this. It needs a little cleaning up, some grammer, perhaps a little formating, but the writing is very good.

Your immagrly is fairly devloped, but I'd like a little more sensory input... Othere than the "smell of humans" I want to know more about taste, touch, other smells, ect. Let me into your world. Remember your readers have never been there so you have to let us "see" the world with your words.

I do like the way you shouw his avertion to humans, and especially men, it makes his torture seem more real. If you'd like more detailed feedback from me on your writing e-mail me at

and I'd be more than willing to give you a beta read.

9/30/2006 c3 10Rosemarine
It's somehow amusing watching him struggle, but also seriously pitying, because this is such a real thing that many people have to go through. Here is alo revealed his fear of humans, especially men, caused by the abuse.
9/30/2006 c2 Rosemarine
I like all the characters of the family, and the quaint farm life wound into the dark story of Warren's life. The ending's a little sloppy, and it could be edited a little more, but otherwise, I really like this passage.
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