for All She Had To Do Was Smile3/9/2016 c32 The real critic
I try not to be too harsh while reading stories, but I may have to break that rule.
First off, this is a complete cliche, and not the good kind either. No one, and I mean, NO ONE will ever tell a girl they just met, how awesome and beautiful or whatever you wrote, they are. They might say something more along the lines of, "hey, you're pretty cool." But not a gigantic speech about how amazing they are.
Second off, Mary Sue's and Gary Stu's. Your characters are too perfect. Couples have more than one fight, first off, plus, the whole Keira is perfect in every single way imaginable thing is unlikely as well. Not to mention, most guys don't bloom until after high school.
Third off, the anorexia. One does not simply fall in and out of anorexia. Thinking you're not good enough, isn't as simple as a couple of nice words from your friends and family. It's a long, hard process. Plus, forty pounds in seven weeks, might be a little excessive. If she was already skinny to begin with, it's a bit harder to magically lose that amount of weight, without serious physical repercussions, plus lack of food, results in lack of focus meaning she wouldn't get her grades.
Forth, the rape. Rape, is a lot more frightening than a couple of broken ribs. You completely disregarded the mental aspect of having your rights as a human, being stripped away from you. It's not that simple, not to mention, chances are, she would have charged him, and even if she didn't, that restraining order you randomly mentioned at times should have prevented them from ever seeing each other, even at meets.
Honestly, this whole plot is highly unlikely. One girl, alone, is sent to an all male boarding school? Especially if this is an experiment, it'd require more than one girl to make or break the decision. They'd have, at the minimum, 100 girls. Also, they wouldn't let Cam and Keira roommate. It doesn't matter how 'respectable' he may be, it always carries the chance of rape, or other sexual tendencies.
If you ever write a story again, please make it realistic. If any of you have problems, complain to me at .
I try not to be too harsh while reading stories, but I may have to break that rule.
First off, this is a complete cliche, and not the good kind either. No one, and I mean, NO ONE will ever tell a girl they just met, how awesome and beautiful or whatever you wrote, they are. They might say something more along the lines of, "hey, you're pretty cool." But not a gigantic speech about how amazing they are.
Second off, Mary Sue's and Gary Stu's. Your characters are too perfect. Couples have more than one fight, first off, plus, the whole Keira is perfect in every single way imaginable thing is unlikely as well. Not to mention, most guys don't bloom until after high school.
Third off, the anorexia. One does not simply fall in and out of anorexia. Thinking you're not good enough, isn't as simple as a couple of nice words from your friends and family. It's a long, hard process. Plus, forty pounds in seven weeks, might be a little excessive. If she was already skinny to begin with, it's a bit harder to magically lose that amount of weight, without serious physical repercussions, plus lack of food, results in lack of focus meaning she wouldn't get her grades.
Forth, the rape. Rape, is a lot more frightening than a couple of broken ribs. You completely disregarded the mental aspect of having your rights as a human, being stripped away from you. It's not that simple, not to mention, chances are, she would have charged him, and even if she didn't, that restraining order you randomly mentioned at times should have prevented them from ever seeing each other, even at meets.
Honestly, this whole plot is highly unlikely. One girl, alone, is sent to an all male boarding school? Especially if this is an experiment, it'd require more than one girl to make or break the decision. They'd have, at the minimum, 100 girls. Also, they wouldn't let Cam and Keira roommate. It doesn't matter how 'respectable' he may be, it always carries the chance of rape, or other sexual tendencies.
If you ever write a story again, please make it realistic. If any of you have problems, complain to me at .
10/2/2015 c3 justme
This is totally corny and freaking boring. You dont say a girl you met just thirty seconds ago cool and awesome like she's the most amazing person in the world. Just because a girl has cool accent and from Iowa and is pretty, doesnt mean she's an awesome person. Ypu have to talk to a person for at least five hours or so before deciding she's cool. And seriously girl, a girl who repeatedly express her low self-esteem, a girl who can't take a compliment for what ir is, comes off with the image of someone bragging and craving for attention and more compliments, not as someone who is just shy and has a really low-confidence.
This is totally corny and freaking boring. You dont say a girl you met just thirty seconds ago cool and awesome like she's the most amazing person in the world. Just because a girl has cool accent and from Iowa and is pretty, doesnt mean she's an awesome person. Ypu have to talk to a person for at least five hours or so before deciding she's cool. And seriously girl, a girl who repeatedly express her low self-esteem, a girl who can't take a compliment for what ir is, comes off with the image of someone bragging and craving for attention and more compliments, not as someone who is just shy and has a really low-confidence.
11/12/2013 c8 Guest
Yup...AP Honors Calculus...cus thats a real thing...
Yup...AP Honors Calculus...cus thats a real thing...
9/30/2013 c15 Himynamesfred
Wtf? Typo lol. She's Keira Dreher now? xD
Wtf? Typo lol. She's Keira Dreher now? xD
7/16/2013 c24 wyant14
Why would anyone be proud or happy that someone did not get charged for attempted rape! Seriously charge the idiot and send him where he belongs!
Why would anyone be proud or happy that someone did not get charged for attempted rape! Seriously charge the idiot and send him where he belongs!
7/7/2013 c15 Iamaguestsoyeah
Hahahaha! Take that christy you *****
Hahahaha! Take that christy you *****
3/8/2013 c15 
4Mikasa
Yay! *SQUEAL!* I'm sooooooooooooooo Happy that they are now a couple! Now nobody can try and get in there way!;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;d;d;d;D;D;DDDDDDDDDDDDD!
4MikasaYay! *SQUEAL!* I'm sooooooooooooooo Happy that they are now a couple! Now nobody can try and get in there way!;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;d;d;d;D;D;DDDDDDDDDDDDD!
3/8/2013 c14 Mikasa
OK. logged in now. :k
why'd her parent's have to die!?
I mean first thing I do in the morning is read your story and then her parents die! I was in real tears...It kinda didn't make a good start of the day for me. But...then Again I can't stop reading it! Can you believe it!? I just have to keep reading it. Even if it makes me cry, smile or laugh! I'm not saying it's a bad thing either. I mean anybody who can capture their reader like this is a pro! ;D :D;D:D;D:D;D:D
OK. logged in now. :k
why'd her parent's have to die!?
I mean first thing I do in the morning is read your story and then her parents die! I was in real tears...It kinda didn't make a good start of the day for me. But...then Again I can't stop reading it! Can you believe it!? I just have to keep reading it. Even if it makes me cry, smile or laugh! I'm not saying it's a bad thing either. I mean anybody who can capture their reader like this is a pro! ;D :D;D:D;D:D;D:D
3/7/2013 c12 kira kotori
YES! I'm not alone anymore! Eggs. Eggs...I will never be able to eat them!
YES! I'm not alone anymore! Eggs. Eggs...I will never be able to eat them!
3/1/2013 c4 Guest
I didn't finish the story because honestly the main character just wasn't cutting it for me. The idea is interesting I suppose, different from a girl dressing up and being in all boys school. But the protagonist is such a Mary Sue, it hurts. I was literally cringing when Cam and Jake were telling her how perfect she is. As well sometimes, it seems the way you present information was very blunt, like when they were talking about their height or features. It wasn't realistic. Otherwise I think you have good ideas and I'm sure your writing has improved from the beginning chapters :)
I didn't finish the story because honestly the main character just wasn't cutting it for me. The idea is interesting I suppose, different from a girl dressing up and being in all boys school. But the protagonist is such a Mary Sue, it hurts. I was literally cringing when Cam and Jake were telling her how perfect she is. As well sometimes, it seems the way you present information was very blunt, like when they were talking about their height or features. It wasn't realistic. Otherwise I think you have good ideas and I'm sure your writing has improved from the beginning chapters :)