for The Transfer5/25/2010 c1 eiyuang999
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12/17/2007 c14 JamezBfod
Heh. I just noticed that you and I have stories here with almost the exact same title. For some reason that made me laugh.
Heh. I just noticed that you and I have stories here with almost the exact same title. For some reason that made me laugh.
12/12/2007 c13 
3Ambrianna M
So, I put my two cents in, but everybody else has said it for me already. :) Very good overall-a few rough spots, a little fast-paced at the beginning, some unexplained things that need clearing up.
I'm still waiting for the next chapter. I read the entire story in one sitting, and now I'm just twiddling my thumbs until you get around to adding the next chapter. Hurry it up, please; I fav'ed you so that I will know the moment you do add, but I must admit that I AM VERY IMPATIENT! Please add soon.
3Ambrianna MSo, I put my two cents in, but everybody else has said it for me already. :) Very good overall-a few rough spots, a little fast-paced at the beginning, some unexplained things that need clearing up.
I'm still waiting for the next chapter. I read the entire story in one sitting, and now I'm just twiddling my thumbs until you get around to adding the next chapter. Hurry it up, please; I fav'ed you so that I will know the moment you do add, but I must admit that I AM VERY IMPATIENT! Please add soon.
10/28/2007 c6 sneum
okay. sorry for reviewing like, again, but this is really bothering me.
why was there a shadow thing in the beginning of the story? why was the mother up in shackles or whatever, and then like scared half to death and not saying anything, even though she knew/ could tell they had already transformed or whatever? why did she wait until ms olsen or whomever made a meeting to discuss it? also, why did the kids transform at the same time? was it cus of the shadow dude? i think that the transformation process needs to be explained a bit better during the meeting thing.
i liked how justin was on the ceiling, kind of like a bat (i think that was what you were getting at...), so it made me think of like vampires. but then the eyes thing made me think of wolves/cats/feral animals, so your descriptions and ideas really do work quite well.
its a good idea, but itll take alot of time to revise, because it definitely needs some.
and this is by no means a flame. just constructive critisism.
you just need to add more onto the plotlines and such, and dont just leave things hanging for several chapters.
but i do like your spelling/grammatical stuff. thats what made me read on from chapter one (because i didnt really know what it was about from your summary). if something is badly written in terms of grammatical errors, then i just cannot read it...
so good job. but remember what i said when revising.
okay. sorry for reviewing like, again, but this is really bothering me.
why was there a shadow thing in the beginning of the story? why was the mother up in shackles or whatever, and then like scared half to death and not saying anything, even though she knew/ could tell they had already transformed or whatever? why did she wait until ms olsen or whomever made a meeting to discuss it? also, why did the kids transform at the same time? was it cus of the shadow dude? i think that the transformation process needs to be explained a bit better during the meeting thing.
i liked how justin was on the ceiling, kind of like a bat (i think that was what you were getting at...), so it made me think of like vampires. but then the eyes thing made me think of wolves/cats/feral animals, so your descriptions and ideas really do work quite well.
its a good idea, but itll take alot of time to revise, because it definitely needs some.
and this is by no means a flame. just constructive critisism.
you just need to add more onto the plotlines and such, and dont just leave things hanging for several chapters.
but i do like your spelling/grammatical stuff. thats what made me read on from chapter one (because i didnt really know what it was about from your summary). if something is badly written in terms of grammatical errors, then i just cannot read it...
so good job. but remember what i said when revising.
10/28/2007 c3 sneum
“Yeah…her eyes turned a ghostly color and her aura increased with power,” Eric replied.
how would he know that her aura increased with power? isnt he just a freaked out kid who doesnt know what the heck is going on?
also, she should be able to say that she could report him for bullying her (although it seems more like he has a crush on her than anything) instead of him saying that he could call on her for abusing him. so...yeah.
“Yeah…her eyes turned a ghostly color and her aura increased with power,” Eric replied.
how would he know that her aura increased with power? isnt he just a freaked out kid who doesnt know what the heck is going on?
also, she should be able to say that she could report him for bullying her (although it seems more like he has a crush on her than anything) instead of him saying that he could call on her for abusing him. so...yeah.
5/16/2007 c8 John Aleages DragounNoise
THERE CALLED PAJAMAS not SLEEP PANTS...lol
great story, definitely some classes i never heard of
i was particulary intrigue when you mentioned the moon giving off warm radiance
THERE CALLED PAJAMAS not SLEEP PANTS...lol
great story, definitely some classes i never heard of
i was particulary intrigue when you mentioned the moon giving off warm radiance
10/29/2006 c5 John Aleages DragounNoise
wow
just wow
please keep going, this high school sounds like it has potential.
wow
just wow
please keep going, this high school sounds like it has potential.
9/24/2006 c2 19phantom-jedi
Slow down. A lot. You take us from a normal day at school to running for life within two chapters. Build up the characters a little more before introducing their powers. It will make them seem more real, more like high school kids. Why doesn't Eric get along with Luna? Why haven't their powers shown up earlier? Slow it down.Also, read through your writing. There were a couple of clunky places that could be reworded.Overall, the idea is a good one. I attempted to write a story like this one a while back and I understand the difficulties. Keep it up!
phantom_jedi
19phantom-jediSlow down. A lot. You take us from a normal day at school to running for life within two chapters. Build up the characters a little more before introducing their powers. It will make them seem more real, more like high school kids. Why doesn't Eric get along with Luna? Why haven't their powers shown up earlier? Slow it down.Also, read through your writing. There were a couple of clunky places that could be reworded.Overall, the idea is a good one. I attempted to write a story like this one a while back and I understand the difficulties. Keep it up!
phantom_jedi
9/15/2006 c1 18John Aleages DragounNoise
good first chapter, can't wait to read more, please keep writing
18John Aleages DragounNoisegood first chapter, can't wait to read more, please keep writing
9/14/2006 c1 StarDust1880
good start off, i'm hooked now ^_^ so is she a vampire or some other supernatural being?
good start off, i'm hooked now ^_^ so is she a vampire or some other supernatural being?