11/15/2006 c1 7The Breakdancing Ninja
I was going to correct "poke-a-dots" as "polka dots", when I thought about the imagery. Remember that "Nobody Knows" movie? Yeah, I don't think of that. I think of a white mother. Smoking is usually a cold-compress for stress; I could imagine her stress being: "what the hell am I going to do with this kid."

I don't understand the vague reference to the child saying,

"I'll become like that." It sounds sort of like some vague thing that a poet puts in a poem rather than a thought a child speaks aloud. If I were to try and analyze it, I would guess that he wants to be the rain, because he...? Ready for the bullshit? He wants to be the rain, because the rain is free and clear.

I would think he wants to be more like the paper boat, or identifies with the paper boat.

"off-colored", everything in this poem stripped of life and color. I wonder what puddle the paper boat must have been put in. I think of some really bored couple making this paper boat and leaving it in a puddle by their car.

[She suddenly felt empty,

like a crystalline vase.

Fragile and clear.] My more pathological tendencies wish for me to say this is a psychological foil of tired women. I really liked this, because that barren nature-lacking flowers, color and life insinuates dreams that are already dead. The glass vase is not only shallow, but hollow and echoic. I think women are usually associated with recepticles for containment and are usually seen as having too much or being too empty-why is thay?

[Later on, we take our family portrait.

Having mom there

looks strange for some reason.] My favorite lines. Insightful.

[I saw Mom’s breathe escape] *breath.

[her shadow left mine.

“You’ll become like that” she said] That's so sad. Instead of becoming a tangible thing like rain or a boat, she suggests he will disappear like a shadow. That's so sad that she would abandon him at night instead of during the day, when someone could find him.

I imagine that the last three stanzas are her sitting in her car, post-abandonment off by the roadside, thinking about how she's basically just aborted her own future with her child.

This was an insightful poem, much more vivid and direct compared to your other pieces. And a lot more poignant. I might have to send a follow-up review, if I have a few more thoughts. This was very good, nonetheless.

9/15/2006 c1 39Countess Chocula
This is gorgeous. It's a sort of...quiet poem. A very quiet, sad poem. And it's going on my favorites list.

9/15/2006 c1 61Padimate
Very sad, pretty words. I love it. The words are simple, yet hold a lot of meaning. Good work.