9/24/2006 c1 Mashed Keyboard
I made it all the way up to "Marilyn Manson is my favorite blah-blah-blah ever" and had to stop, if only for the sake of my sanity. All I will say is, it's funny how your character notices all these things about dragons and ketchup yet never stops to think about the faulty logic involved in (say) complaining about God while simultaneously saying or exists; or whining about the fascist Christian theocracy while ignoring the fact that if there really were a fascist Christian theocracy, the person in question would have been jailed/whatever years ago; or indeed, any one of the other idiotic things Mr. Warner says and does. Manson fans as a group tend to be morons because they are so swept up in their desire to be an 'individual,' or at least a part of a vaguely-alternative-looking group, that they fail to realize these basic self-contradictions. And it's a very special kind of Manson fan who suggests that their hero is the slightest bit better than Britney Spears or Hilary Duff, from either a commercial or an artisic vantage point. Marilyn Manson is a carbon copy. For some reason, Mansonites never seem to notice this, even though Mr. Manson himself is waving it around right in front of him. It's funny how the only people who understand the title "Mechanical Animals" are the people who dislike Manson. I forget where I was going with this. I think I need to chill out. While I'm spinning off on a tangent I might as well mention that I very much envy Manson's career choice. He gets points for being a model capitalist. I'm certainly not savvy enough to trick millions of stupid teenagers into giving me off their money. It sounds lovely though, doesn't it? And the irony is wonderful. I complain about Mansonites a lot, but the truth is that I love walking into high school and seeing a hallway full of retards, each and every one of them wearing the exact same shirt with the exact same slogan: "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same." You can't make this stuff up, can you? Oscar Wilde would have a field day. Excuse me while I go pass out. :)
I made it all the way up to "Marilyn Manson is my favorite blah-blah-blah ever" and had to stop, if only for the sake of my sanity. All I will say is, it's funny how your character notices all these things about dragons and ketchup yet never stops to think about the faulty logic involved in (say) complaining about God while simultaneously saying or exists; or whining about the fascist Christian theocracy while ignoring the fact that if there really were a fascist Christian theocracy, the person in question would have been jailed/whatever years ago; or indeed, any one of the other idiotic things Mr. Warner says and does. Manson fans as a group tend to be morons because they are so swept up in their desire to be an 'individual,' or at least a part of a vaguely-alternative-looking group, that they fail to realize these basic self-contradictions. And it's a very special kind of Manson fan who suggests that their hero is the slightest bit better than Britney Spears or Hilary Duff, from either a commercial or an artisic vantage point. Marilyn Manson is a carbon copy. For some reason, Mansonites never seem to notice this, even though Mr. Manson himself is waving it around right in front of him. It's funny how the only people who understand the title "Mechanical Animals" are the people who dislike Manson. I forget where I was going with this. I think I need to chill out. While I'm spinning off on a tangent I might as well mention that I very much envy Manson's career choice. He gets points for being a model capitalist. I'm certainly not savvy enough to trick millions of stupid teenagers into giving me off their money. It sounds lovely though, doesn't it? And the irony is wonderful. I complain about Mansonites a lot, but the truth is that I love walking into high school and seeing a hallway full of retards, each and every one of them wearing the exact same shirt with the exact same slogan: "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same." You can't make this stuff up, can you? Oscar Wilde would have a field day. Excuse me while I go pass out. :)
9/24/2006 c1 5S. K. Doyle
I was intruiged by the title, but I wasn't very impressed with the writing. I think when you made the outline (or even some general thought about where the first chapter would go) you thought 'insert clever random commentary in first paragraph'. It isn't particularly insightful or clever, but it sets the tone for the character. I think you could think of a better opening subject. Not that what you're leading up to is much different.
You could be making a unique character with his own distinct voice, but instead you are telling the same angsty teen high school drama as everyone else on this site. I'm only telling you this because I have a feeling that you are capable of more. Coming from me, that means a lot, since I am an infamous flamer on this site. On the other hand, your pen name gives way to this cliche angst-wrought persona, so I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised. I hope I am underestimating you.
Good luck with your writing and remember this important advice (not from any wise bawd): write only what is absolutely necessary. If you see something that doesn't belong: edit. Find the character's true voice instead of reading it in your own. Well developed characters are going to be the key to this story, and any and all others.
I was intruiged by the title, but I wasn't very impressed with the writing. I think when you made the outline (or even some general thought about where the first chapter would go) you thought 'insert clever random commentary in first paragraph'. It isn't particularly insightful or clever, but it sets the tone for the character. I think you could think of a better opening subject. Not that what you're leading up to is much different.
You could be making a unique character with his own distinct voice, but instead you are telling the same angsty teen high school drama as everyone else on this site. I'm only telling you this because I have a feeling that you are capable of more. Coming from me, that means a lot, since I am an infamous flamer on this site. On the other hand, your pen name gives way to this cliche angst-wrought persona, so I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised. I hope I am underestimating you.
Good luck with your writing and remember this important advice (not from any wise bawd): write only what is absolutely necessary. If you see something that doesn't belong: edit. Find the character's true voice instead of reading it in your own. Well developed characters are going to be the key to this story, and any and all others.