Just In
for Fate and the Cosmos

11/20/2006 c1 8Atlas Bergeron
Your story is kind of sketchy in the way you try and illustrate what you are saying. Part of the problem is because of punctuation, for instance

"he battle had moved on[,] and with it my hopes of being rescued"- missed the coma

"Is this not working as well? I thought to myself,"- need quotations or italics or something here. Actually, an interesting style is to never say "I thought to myself" at all. This is the style I normally choose to take

"but before I could finish my thought[,] the sound of the air being"-missed another coma

As such, the story is hard to really get into. In addition to simple punctuation, you need to flow the language better and add more description. Fragments and short sentences are useful occasionally (normally for powerful interjections) in a story, but your entire chapter is almost entirely composed of them. As it is, it just doesn't seem realistic.

If you would like an example of what I mean, you should take a look at my novel. (it is called "Gods of Men". I, like you, would appreciate a few more reviews).
9/28/2006 c1 1Rubinbob
This is a story to look out for. I like it, great work thus far.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service