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5/3/2011 c1 38Around.the.Rainbow
That was a great story. It had a very bittersweet ending. It was painfully sad that they died, but it was extremely sweet that Navashine's parents went a buried them together. I loved when Navashine and his brother fought. It flowed very well. Good job!
4/29/2007 c2 3Virage
Wow I'm really impressed with this story. Not only is this writing so much better than the other story I read, but the transitions and plot are really good too. I don't know about the language though, they still kinda feel highschoolish with the insults and the "W-T-F" comment, but dayum, the mood of the story is about as mature as you can get. The characters are dark and gritty and they're really savage when it comes to personality. I can only imagine the type of growing up that must have taken place to create such behemoths of suvival-of-the-fitest type people. I really liked Russ' run in at the beginning with Kenno and Snow Dragon. And I would be lying if I didn't say Snow Dragon was hot stuff. Fuckin' A man.

Only suggestions I can think of, try to notch the langauge so they don't use as many curses, (but who knows, maybe the cursing and insults is more within their characters; you can always experiment with alternative insults, be creative!) and yeah...that's it lol. It's a wonderful story, really tense and action-packed, and does a helluva lot to draw me in. The characters you have done know each other in such an interesting way, Chino, his brother Kenno, Kenno's gf Snow Dragon, Chino's friend Russ, who happened to sleep around with Snow Dragon once, yet got his ass kicked by her and Kenno once upon a time ago...you can see where I'm going with this.

This is good stuff man, keep it up. Like I said, I'm really impressed. If that means anything.
4/28/2007 c2 6Tala Lakota
ew, more more
10/9/2006 c1 13Chino Raven Star
Good Story there Russ.Like the detail on the Swords and the whole story.Navashine is one of best characters you've made in a long time(Next to Russ and Chino and a few others,lol).Story was overall very good.
10/2/2006 c1 7Charming Dice
This is a nice story you have here. Pretty solid for a short one. I really like the name Navashine. Its creative and definitely one of the better one's I've ever seen in fiction.

And thanks for reviewing my story. The two hitmen are dressed like - and are - professionals. Their profession and attire have no affect on their personalities, so they're a little more easygoing than you usually see.

Anyway, I like how you gave me a bit of constructive criticism. That was kind of you. Now whenever someone does that for me, I always return the favor. If you don't want any CC, and you're just looking for an ego boost, then just ignore the rest of this.

I'll be as honest and as helpful as I can. Here goes.

"I’ve been worried to death, ‘What if a thief had got him’ I thought, you’ve got some nerve."

That sentence is quite the run-on. I don't point out grammar errors often, but I felt I should this time. I'm guessing that sentences should've been:

"I've been worried to death. 'What if a thief got him,' I thought. You've got some nerve."

A few times I saw you went back forth between saying 'hath thou' to 'have you.' I think you should pick one style and stay with it. Also, you jumped back and forth between past and present tense narration. Stay with one of those too. I make that mistake sometimes, so I understand.

Also, you really should decide on how you're going to format your paragraphs. Either do it the way that look best online or do it the proper way that's seen in printed novels.

Online, people usually don't indent their paragraphs, and they put them at least one space apart from each other. Printed, there aren't any spaces between paragraph's, but you should indent every paragraph- dialogue included.

Decide which works best for you. Sometimes fictionpress screws up the format of stories, so maybe that's what happened. Either way, you should go back and fix this story.

Also, when doing dialogue you should be careful what punctuation you have at the end. If you have 'he said' after dialogue that ends in a period, then replace the period with a comma. Here's an example from your story:

"Greetings brother." Said Navashine’s brother with a malicious smile.

Try writing that as:

"Greetings brother," said Navashine's brother with a malicious smile. Maybe you could replace 'with a malicious smile' with 'smiling maliciously.' That's up to you.

I liked your description of Navashine's dragnol form, but putting it in at the beginning wasn't a good idea. Its best to add those things in as they become necessary, instead of just randomly dropping in information.

Is it necessary to tell this info right now or can you wait? That's a question you should always ask yourself, so you can avoid 'info dumping' (piling up too much info into one space, overloading the reader) as some people call it.

The first paragraph starts the story off with an example of info dumping. You took five sentences to describe two swords. I'm all for imagery, but what makes the look of the swords so important? And if you needed to describe it, couldn't you have sprinkled details throughout the story instead? You shouldn't spend more than two sentences in a row describing one object. Three if its extremely important.

These are just things to think about. I thought the details themselves were very good, they were just sometimes presented poorly. Many times they were well done, though.

Also, while you seem to have okay fight scenes, you should usually avoid adding exclamation points to your narration. If you want to make things feel exciting, use your sentence length to slow or quicken how fast the reader reads each sentence.

Here's some examples I wrote on the fly:

- The shimmering, silver-bladed katana pierced the wind as I thrusted it forward, aiming for my adversary's chest. Biting into his flesh, my sword bathed in his warm, crimson fluid as it punctured the enemy's rapidly beating heart.

- I drove my blade through his chest.

The top one is more descriptive and has more feeling, but it takes far longer to read. The lower one lacks that punch of the first, but you can speed through it, giving it that fast paced feel. Use these styles (and more, if you know any) to manipulate the reader into feeling whatever you want them to.

If you're showing the last blow of an emotional battle, go with the top one and it'll be the perfect end to a powerful scene. If you're just showing a horde of enemies getting killed quickly, then go with the bottom one.

The ending of the fight was pretty cliche. I'll just say that now. But, I still liked the whole last kiss part. I thought it was sweet. Also, I liked how the king went crazy at the end. That was unexpected, but believable. The kiss and the king dying were the highlights of the story, and they came right at the end. At the right time.

All in all, this is a solid story. It has its fair share of problems, but the ending left me with a good feeling. I've read far longer stories with far less emotion.

Great job bringing heart into an action tale.

I'd love to read your next story if you do one, so I'll put you on author alert. If you have any complaints, questions, or thoughts, then just send me an e-mail. My address is in my profile. I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Good luck with your writing.

Snake Eyes of aka Meteor-Infinity

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