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5/28/2011 c3 1Amelia4Allison
Dear Estelin,

I like the idea of the story, but your writing is really choppy. it has a lot of dialogue, but not enough sensory details. I can barely follow along. And you start your quotations, but never seem to end them. I love this idea and i think you should try to rewrite this story how it is, just in more detail and try to find a beta to help with grammar. Or just try writing it on a word document that corrects spelling errors then copy and paste. I'm trying to just give you constructive criticism, but I REALLY do like the idea of this story, I just think you need more length.

Keep up the good work!


P.S. In the summary it said the girls name was Jen?
10/14/2009 c19 13Aaerie
cant wait till nxt chapter
4/28/2009 c1 jax
i read three chapters and was so annoyed by your lack of talent i dont think i can try to read another story on this site for a while.
3/25/2009 c2 1vampiramoon
chek your facts, 2 thou, and 42 thou acers arent small. therfore the comunity isant small
12/29/2008 c19 ChristianAngel01
hmm..I totally forgot about this and I am sorry to say I lost my interest after so long but I will keep reading it to see if it will caught my interest again

ohh Great chapter :)
6/28/2008 c3 3HeroR
Nice beginning, but I noticed a lot of grammar errors. You may want to consider returning to this chapter and cleaning it up. It takes away from the story every time a error is seen.

Keep writing and keep up the good work.
6/6/2008 c3 1Chee
Like another reviewer said: the bold is very distracting.

Alright, dialouge. Boring. Too much of it. Add more details and less dialouge. It sounds like I'm reading a play, and that is bad, I'm reading a 'novel'.

There are also many other ways of formatting dialouge. The way you are formatting it gets very boring after awhile.

"blah blah blah blah," she said.

"blah blah blah blah," he said.

No. Change it up a bit.

"blah blah blah blah," she stammered, clicking her heels against the floor nervously, "blah blah blah blah blah."

The man looked at her awkwardly, leaning against the door frame, "blah blah?"

There are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes in here. So a beta reader will go you good.

I got bored and didn't continue reading. There is way too much dialouge, and it just bored the hell out of me.

You have a lot of potential so: I'm avalible as an editor for aspiring novelists on here, and if you can take pressure and harsh/advanced critques, email me if you'd like.

As an editor I literally tear apart your story. Finding every mistake, from grammar to bad story-telling, you make.

That's why I don't want you considering it if you don't handle pressure well, but if you can: drop me an email. :)
6/6/2008 c2 Chee
I don't find this introduction helpful whatsoever. You can tell us, the readers, all of that information inside the story.

I'd recommend you cut out this introduction chapter and just jump right into the story.

/On Naylor rd/

What in the world is a "rd"?

If its supposed to be "road", spell it out.
6/6/2008 c18 ChristianAngel01
I absoultely love this I can not wait to see what happens next

Please finish your masterpeice :)
5/28/2008 c4 Chee
The bold is very distracting...
5/13/2008 c3 misery sister
You probably know this already, but the entire chapter was bold - thus making it very distracting when reading.
5/5/2008 c18 50Eve's Deception
you're a very good writer. very persistant and an excellent vocabulary. this is really good. great job.
4/21/2008 c18 21Nina Kindred
I'm still liking it. Keep up the good work
4/9/2008 c17 Nina Kindred
Good job. I'm still very intrigued. Keep up the good work.
3/24/2008 c15 11Speak For the Noise
=D this story's pretty nifty
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