for What Makes Me Human11/13/2006 c1 
9Aluminum Tinkerbell
Okay. I love, love, love, LOVE your non sterotypical elves. There's no long silky hair, no fancy adorning objects. They're not perect. They even seem closed minded and naive. Amen to that. I do have a bit of con/crit though, mostly grammtical.
"considering it is only 3 miles long and 1 mile wide". Grammatical Rule- all numbers under ten must be written out.
"piers"? Do you mean "peers"? And again-'alai' should probably be 'ally'. 'Villiage' should be 'village'. Unless you mean to have strange langauge, in which case I should just shut up.
Every now and then your tense switches. =/ You should fix that.
Nice sense of flow with the passage of time. Unfortunately, this flow is slightly broken up near the end. I wished you have described the goodbye's a bit more. He's parting with his foster family! They love each other! If you ever do return to this, you might want to work in a but more emotion.
I'm not sure if you'll be updating this, but I hope you do. I really hope it's not one of those oneshots that end in a cliffi, because I'm desperate to know what happens to Warren next.
-Marie
9Aluminum TinkerbellOkay. I love, love, love, LOVE your non sterotypical elves. There's no long silky hair, no fancy adorning objects. They're not perect. They even seem closed minded and naive. Amen to that. I do have a bit of con/crit though, mostly grammtical.
"considering it is only 3 miles long and 1 mile wide". Grammatical Rule- all numbers under ten must be written out.
"piers"? Do you mean "peers"? And again-'alai' should probably be 'ally'. 'Villiage' should be 'village'. Unless you mean to have strange langauge, in which case I should just shut up.
Every now and then your tense switches. =/ You should fix that.
Nice sense of flow with the passage of time. Unfortunately, this flow is slightly broken up near the end. I wished you have described the goodbye's a bit more. He's parting with his foster family! They love each other! If you ever do return to this, you might want to work in a but more emotion.
I'm not sure if you'll be updating this, but I hope you do. I really hope it's not one of those oneshots that end in a cliffi, because I'm desperate to know what happens to Warren next.
-Marie
10/27/2006 c1 9Alteng
Okay, I have finished reading this piece. I had stopped reading earlier about the swords. Hey, what can I say.
Anyway, you have some problems with the tense changing back and forth from past to present. There's grammarical critique.
You have some really different ideas. I can appreciate that. My idea of a sphinx doesn't look much like what you describe, but to each their own. I like your description of the elves though. That was really a bit different. So, I can appreciate that one.
There are many things that I don't see in this. A horse needs a lot of wide open space to run, and I don't think that the domes has that space. Of course, you did mention that horses were rare in this place.
Just curious. If Warren was the product of a human raping a sphinx, wasn't that a bit of a one night stand thing. Did the man feel guilty for his actions, and this is why there is the Crest in the wolves' possession. Did the human decide that he like Warren's mother? Did the sphinx kick Warren's mother out of the tribe because she was raped? If so, is that not a bit harsh, or was it because she refused to have the child killed in the womb? You leave a lot of questions in this, and it is nothing that a good rewrite won't hurt, mind you.
9AltengOkay, I have finished reading this piece. I had stopped reading earlier about the swords. Hey, what can I say.
Anyway, you have some problems with the tense changing back and forth from past to present. There's grammarical critique.
You have some really different ideas. I can appreciate that. My idea of a sphinx doesn't look much like what you describe, but to each their own. I like your description of the elves though. That was really a bit different. So, I can appreciate that one.
There are many things that I don't see in this. A horse needs a lot of wide open space to run, and I don't think that the domes has that space. Of course, you did mention that horses were rare in this place.
Just curious. If Warren was the product of a human raping a sphinx, wasn't that a bit of a one night stand thing. Did the man feel guilty for his actions, and this is why there is the Crest in the wolves' possession. Did the human decide that he like Warren's mother? Did the sphinx kick Warren's mother out of the tribe because she was raped? If so, is that not a bit harsh, or was it because she refused to have the child killed in the womb? You leave a lot of questions in this, and it is nothing that a good rewrite won't hurt, mind you.
10/4/2006 c1 1marjorievonnordeck
Hi there. I'm glad to see how well this has blossomed. I can still see a few grammar things, they're mostly little nit picky things though... Read the "self editing" thing I sent you, and you'll be able to pick out most of them yourself this time... If you'd like a seckond time around the beta wagon I'd be happy to look it over for you again, with a fine toothed comb. Anyway, I have to say the flow is much better, and you've worked out many of the rough edges and smoothed out a lot of the ruffles. Congrats! It's much better.
~Marjorie
1marjorievonnordeckHi there. I'm glad to see how well this has blossomed. I can still see a few grammar things, they're mostly little nit picky things though... Read the "self editing" thing I sent you, and you'll be able to pick out most of them yourself this time... If you'd like a seckond time around the beta wagon I'd be happy to look it over for you again, with a fine toothed comb. Anyway, I have to say the flow is much better, and you've worked out many of the rough edges and smoothed out a lot of the ruffles. Congrats! It's much better.
~Marjorie
10/4/2006 c1 10Rosemarine
Note: this is the edited version with an adjusted title and revised content.My thanks to marjorievonnerdeck for her 'beta reading'! Although feel free to give me any comments, sudgestions, or opinions, and I will see if I can fix anything I have over-looked
10RosemarineNote: this is the edited version with an adjusted title and revised content.My thanks to marjorievonnerdeck for her 'beta reading'! Although feel free to give me any comments, sudgestions, or opinions, and I will see if I can fix anything I have over-looked