Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for A Taste of California Land

2/24/2008 c2 57empathic life
I definitely like the rewritten bits, but they don't exactly flow perfectly into the remnants of the original. That, and there's a missing "them" in the second to last stanza... Mostly the same comments as my other review... Still terrifically fond of the imagery, as most of it was carried over from before.

I like this rewriting idea of yours, but your rewrites always seem less finished than the original. You have to be careful that your old and new styles can flow into each other seamlessly...

Of course, if I had read this version without having read the former, I might not've gotten the same disconnected feeling. It may just be me. .

Yours, Alex
2/24/2008 c1 empathic life
I love this! I'm a California fan myself... I'd love to live there someday, just for a while... And I did a research paper on Grapes of Wrath a while back that was all about California, so I'm rather fond of the subject, both literally- and symbolic-wise.

Let me start off saying that long poems aren't my favorite, because I don't remember what the beginning said by the time I reach the end, but your imagery and word choice flows so well that I shall forgive you. ^^ My favorite part was definitely the idea overall, followed closely by the myriad of imagery, particularly eating birthday bit... And then the contrast between the beginning of the poem's mood and the end is great...

Sigh. I don't know why I haven't reviewed this before... I seriously thought I had reviewed all of your older works. .
1/19/2008 c2 7Charming Dice
Yeah, you’re awesome. In a completely average way, of course. This poem was great. I thought this was about California at first, but I read through it again and caught the meaning.

I don’t review poetry often, because I have no clue what to write. Just know that I really like this.
1/18/2008 c2 871no.peace.los.angeles
Alright. Good first. For some reason, I really like the 3rd to last stanza, especially the part between "humanity would fall into peril" and the end of the stanza. It's the most poetic part of this, the most flowing part, I guess. But I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I get what you're saying, but it feels a bit . . . preachy? I don't know if that's the right word. It's very prose-y, as my creative writing professor would say. It's easy to make free verse prosaic (I don't even know if that's a word :p), so that's not entirely your fault. I'll use incomplete sentences or run-on sentences or repetitive phrasing to keep that poetic element when I'm writing so my own poetry isn't too prosaic. And I use a lot of semi-colons & colons & commas. But that's beside the point. It can be very difficult to transition to poetry from prose, I've definitely been there. But you have a good head on your shoulders; with some work, you'll be able to get there. :) Keep writing! :)
1/14/2008 c2 33WyrdWolf
The initial message and feeling of this poem is still very much intact; the only change that I really noticed was the length of the poem-shorter. And the loss of that interesting line, 'the ideas and images flowing out of every pore in our bodies'. *grin*

Wolfie
11/27/2006 c1 18little boy on her bike
i live in California. I wonder how i'm gonna turn out...
10/20/2006 c1 879Moondog Dozier
Very interesting social and cultural commentary. I like how this focuses on the aftermath of the situation presented. Very honest and socially informed viewpoint. Good work.
10/18/2006 c1 1Spirit Tigress
This is nice! =)

Dark Revival

p.s. sorry for short reviews!
10/11/2006 c1 General Populus Sloan
So this is what a real poem looks like, huh? It'll be a while before I can make them like you, I guess.

Thanks for the spacing tip. My poem looks better now.

Great stuff. Your poetry crap is pretty fun.

S.E. of aka MI
10/10/2006 c1 16brokendreams21
Oh wow. I bet you've been there. Although this poem sounded lighthearted, happy, and random...it still gives me a feeling of how this actually relates to real life. And then it hits me. That's why it's called 'California Land.' Those silly celebrities. When will they learn...and when will we? (We'll probably learn before the media does...that's for sure.) I just love the fifth stanza because of the whole hyperbole thing going on...sounds like someone is being pessimistic. Not that I blame you. I'd do it too. All in all, you did an awesome job here (again. I'm getting tired of saying this. Would you prefer it if I stopped? Haha.) and you never cease to amaze us all. (Especially me.) Super-duper fantastic job!
10/10/2006 c1 33WyrdWolf
Hee. The line

'the ideas and images flowingout of every pore in our bodies'

scared me in a good way. ^_~

This seemed like a broken dream of sorts. The gum and drugs...the gum-drugs...!^_^ Quite neat, though. *cough* I mean, this poem was totally ghetto. *beams*

Shane
10/9/2006 c1 18Sir Scott
Good poem. Someday California Land will fall into the ocean.

Wishing You Good Health And Plenty Of Wealth, ~SirScott~

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service