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for Morbid Beauty

1/30/2007 c1 24Will Sachiksy
Very effective and haunting imagery here. You played wonderfully with the images of decay and beauty.

I noticed that you describe the city early on using passive voice. Passive voice is usually used to indicate the "victim" of an action, and I doubt your narrator would have victimized his city. Also, there are a couple of places in which you use words a bit too formal for the style of the piece (for example: "Their bones are small with hardly any meat encasing them...").

Very much liked the repetition and parallelism of your sentences, as well as the repetition of certain metaphors and descriptions. Well done.

I don't think the title's as strong as it could be, but you should make your own decision about that.
11/7/2006 c1 Royal Bliss
I really liked this. It was pretty dark in a cool way. Nice use of imagery as well I could picture a lot of the things you described in here. The only thing I have to say is: you might want to watch your use of semicolons. Especially here:

"I cannot stand; I cannot breathe; I cannot see."

and here

"The harbor is barren; the bridges are rotting; the sea is slow and calm as though waiting on its death bed."

It looks a little awkward and doesn't "flow" as well. A comma and one would be enough. I feel like a dick pointing that out since someone kind of pointed it out a little in a previous review.
11/2/2006 c1 6Absolut Hooliganism
You have quite a way with words and your concept is potent; this was very well written, indeed. But I have spyed with my little eye an insignificant error, you have a typo in your eighth paragraph, "sallow,"

But yeah, that doesn't really matter. ROCK ON.
10/26/2006 c1 2Bloodflower
It's very powerful; very, and I hate to bring this up yet again (my friends are ten seconds or so away from bashing my head into the nearest wall the next time I say this) but there is an element of the 'kalos thanatos' about it - the beautiful everlasting sleep, a Homeric concept wherein he suggests that a person's death is only made worthwhile and - as you say, yes, beautiful - if that person has lived a life worth living according to the codes that they believe in. Or not.

Ignore me if that didn't make any sense, but the piece is a powerful one. I can't believe you don't have more reviews, but then again, the FP reviewers seem to have pulled a lemming-like trick and thrown themselves all off the nearest cliff. (I would, too, considering the number of appalling writers there are out there!)

Speaking of which, this is just the TEENSIEST criticism because I am a Grammar Knotzie. (I once met a person that INSISTED the word was spelled that way, thought it rather cute than its more sinister correct spelling, and have since then become a Knotzie.)

"The city is dying; and yet it is plainly beautiful."

You don't need the semicolon there. Semicolons aren't as bad as colons, which I suspect nobody in the entire universe and its history, present and future knew, knows or ever will know how to use properly in a grammatical sense, but semicolons are still awkward. (As usual, if the sentence doesn't make sense on a first reading it's not going to.) What I DID want to say is that the semicolon splice is a little jarring; you could use a comma instead of a semicolon and it would flow just as well.

Well done! Keep up the good work!
10/22/2006 c1 15dbz 77
Very interesting concept.

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