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for One Moment in Time

3/13/2008 c1 3HiddenFact
Hmm. Interesting. I love the concept, it's very good - I didn't need your interpretation at the beginning to understand - so, you got that going for ya. Nice.

Buut...I'm a little confuzzled by your style, i.e. choice of words, rhythm, and so forth. This always confuses people when I critique them on this, but I'll try to explain to the best of my ability.

I'm sure that, whenever you read something, there's a little voice inside your head that says the words you're reading out loud (inside your head). Right? Well, whenever one's style is bad, that little voice begins to sound like an idiot.

In your case, I'm irked by your curious choice of words. For example, from the first sentence,

"At this moment in time, in an interval of space, she felt like a rosebud that had just suddenly been smothered."

not only is there a bit of tense confusion, there are some words I find rather...out of place. For the verb confusion, you're talking in the present tense in the beginning (At THIS moment in time), and then you suddenly transition into the past tense (she FELT like a rosebud). Shouldn't it be "At that moment in time...she felt like a rosebud..." or "At this moment in time...she feels like a rosebud..."? As for the word choice, I think the word "just" is not necessary, and you may want to reconsider your use of the word "smothered".

Please don't take what I say to heart. Style is very much something that has to be evolved personally, uniquely, and what I am pointing out is simply what I find out of place. Our styles could very much differ, and I understand that, I truly do.

Other than that, it's a pretty solid piece. Keep up the good work.

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