for Witness Protection4/15/2010 c5 
4Garneau
Hey, as promised I am returning the favour.
I really like the plot line of this story. Plus it was a great idea to refer to Jack as the next door neighbour with vampire habits. A very unique idea, making him seem vampiric but still human. Also is the main character Alexandria or Serena? I couldn't tell in the first chapter.
I did notice some inconsistancies with your dialogue when it jumped from one perspective to another and on the timeline.
I also don't think it was necessary to have the official meeting of Jack and Lexxie repeated 3 times. I have to admit I got a bit confused, though I understand your reasons of doing it. Also is Lexxie's car a jeep or a mustang, I couldn't work it out?
In one of the perspective switches to Lexxie's you write in both first and third person. You have to be careful when writing in different points of view as one can get quite confused (which is why I stick to one character first person). Having said that, you're switches from one character to another is very entertaining and insightful.
In terms of the opening chapter you have so much drama going on here! (A good thing!). I think you could potentially have the flashback longer and more descriptive, however try and avoid just listing descriptions like "one had short silver hair and glasses (put a fullstop here) he was wearing blue jeans . . ." etc. Its a great idea to let the reader know what the character looks like but maybe you could release the information in a more subtle way. "One of the men, flipped his silver hair out of the way of his glasses, wiping his bloodied hands on his blue jeans" for example. But this is your story, so write it how you want to.
It's a thrilling storyline and I can't wait to find out what happens next.
Expect another review,
Garneau.
4GarneauHey, as promised I am returning the favour.
I really like the plot line of this story. Plus it was a great idea to refer to Jack as the next door neighbour with vampire habits. A very unique idea, making him seem vampiric but still human. Also is the main character Alexandria or Serena? I couldn't tell in the first chapter.
I did notice some inconsistancies with your dialogue when it jumped from one perspective to another and on the timeline.
I also don't think it was necessary to have the official meeting of Jack and Lexxie repeated 3 times. I have to admit I got a bit confused, though I understand your reasons of doing it. Also is Lexxie's car a jeep or a mustang, I couldn't work it out?
In one of the perspective switches to Lexxie's you write in both first and third person. You have to be careful when writing in different points of view as one can get quite confused (which is why I stick to one character first person). Having said that, you're switches from one character to another is very entertaining and insightful.
In terms of the opening chapter you have so much drama going on here! (A good thing!). I think you could potentially have the flashback longer and more descriptive, however try and avoid just listing descriptions like "one had short silver hair and glasses (put a fullstop here) he was wearing blue jeans . . ." etc. Its a great idea to let the reader know what the character looks like but maybe you could release the information in a more subtle way. "One of the men, flipped his silver hair out of the way of his glasses, wiping his bloodied hands on his blue jeans" for example. But this is your story, so write it how you want to.
It's a thrilling storyline and I can't wait to find out what happens next.
Expect another review,
Garneau.
3/14/2010 c5 1xXliarliarXx
Great story so far. Update soon! :)
Check out my supernatural/romance story When The Sun Goes Down.
1xXliarliarXxGreat story so far. Update soon! :)
Check out my supernatural/romance story When The Sun Goes Down.
3/5/2008 c1 1artificial destiny
hmm this is interesting...
haha love the last line
-artificial destiny
r/r back?
1artificial destinyhmm this is interesting...
haha love the last line
-artificial destiny
r/r back?
8/14/2007 c5 6Carmel March
Wonderful, wonderful story. I love this! You've got interesting, likable characters, a clever storyline, and a great style of writing.
I can't wait for more :)
~Carm~
6Carmel MarchWonderful, wonderful story. I love this! You've got interesting, likable characters, a clever storyline, and a great style of writing.
I can't wait for more :)
~Carm~
1/28/2007 c4 3Da Vinci at Work
Good chapter, just remember to not switch POVs too often. It gets dizzy. Maybe leave it to one person per chapter.
3Da Vinci at WorkGood chapter, just remember to not switch POVs too often. It gets dizzy. Maybe leave it to one person per chapter.
1/28/2007 c3 Da Vinci at Work
Ah. I didn't see this update. (Sorry.)
Haha. Nicely done again. The she-devil. That's funny. :D
Ah. I didn't see this update. (Sorry.)
Haha. Nicely done again. The she-devil. That's funny. :D
11/6/2006 c2 Da Vinci at Work
Yay! You continued. I guess you should try take out the author's notes in the middle, but some of them are kind of needed. Anyhoot, nice story. Neighbourly, my new word of the day.
Yay! You continued. I guess you should try take out the author's notes in the middle, but some of them are kind of needed. Anyhoot, nice story. Neighbourly, my new word of the day.
11/5/2006 c1 Da Vinci at Work
Hm. Interesting start. Few grammar stuff, but definitely intriguing. Hope you update soon!
Hm. Interesting start. Few grammar stuff, but definitely intriguing. Hope you update soon!