for Heroines Of Dracona11/2/2006 c1 
12Adrienne Jones
Good. More. I almost just submitted that. Ok, I'm going to be Leslie right now and correct every little error in your writing. Good thing it's short. The title of the chapter implies something different than the chapter. It's a good title, save it for later. Seond sentence: "I slipped the dagger in front of me into..." maybe change to "I slipped the dagger I was holding into..." The current way implies that you slipped the dagger into your front. Not very pleasant.
For the mini dialogue, SEPARATE PARAGRAPHS! It annoys me. Enough said.
"she still lacked in certain important skills..." to "she still lacked in some important areas..." or "she still lacked some important skills..."
"I stood quite short next to my sister clad..." to "I stood quite short next to my sister, clad..." unless your sister is clad in which case keep it as it is.
From the second paragraph to the third one, rather abrupt I must say. Maybe have a little interaction with another character to reveal this. I am changing my backstory in Lost Castle because of this exact reason.
Enough for now. Don't worry, it's good. I wrote a bit more for Leslie's though have her read it for Revising, I merely edit.
See ya.
-AJ
P.S. It wouldn't be a bad idea if you would plug my story. I'll plug yours when I get around to posting (probably this weekend).
12Adrienne JonesGood. More. I almost just submitted that. Ok, I'm going to be Leslie right now and correct every little error in your writing. Good thing it's short. The title of the chapter implies something different than the chapter. It's a good title, save it for later. Seond sentence: "I slipped the dagger in front of me into..." maybe change to "I slipped the dagger I was holding into..." The current way implies that you slipped the dagger into your front. Not very pleasant.
For the mini dialogue, SEPARATE PARAGRAPHS! It annoys me. Enough said.
"she still lacked in certain important skills..." to "she still lacked in some important areas..." or "she still lacked some important skills..."
"I stood quite short next to my sister clad..." to "I stood quite short next to my sister, clad..." unless your sister is clad in which case keep it as it is.
From the second paragraph to the third one, rather abrupt I must say. Maybe have a little interaction with another character to reveal this. I am changing my backstory in Lost Castle because of this exact reason.
Enough for now. Don't worry, it's good. I wrote a bit more for Leslie's though have her read it for Revising, I merely edit.
See ya.
-AJ
P.S. It wouldn't be a bad idea if you would plug my story. I'll plug yours when I get around to posting (probably this weekend).
10/31/2006 c1 7Lorendiac
Well, you asked for feedback and I'll do my best to offer some. Although I admit it shocked me to see you actually asking for flames, apparently on the theory that even they'd be better than nothing. (Yes, I suppose I shock easily!)
I don't believe in flaming people, but I do work to build and keep a reputation for Shameless Nitpicking. (Not the same thing! Flaming would be if I went out of my way to insult people and call them nasty names.)
So, just to make my feelings clear, before I start criticizing some specific little bits and pieces of your writing: I hope you will KEEP writing! I'm a firm believer in the concept that "practice makes perfect." And I admit that I'm already at least mildly interested in finding out how their assassination attempt goes. One of the things I'm wondering is, "Are these sisters so angry that they are willing to die as long as they get their revenge in the process, by killing the king before anyone realizes what they're doing and can stop them? Or does their plan involve a possible way to kill him and still escape somehow before they can be trapped, tortured, and killed by angry guards?"
(As one possible suggestion: IF they actually care about making a clean getaway, then a good assassination method might be to find an opportunity to poison something the king's going to eat or drink today. Ideally, by the time he's swallowed it and the poison has started to affect him enough for the symptoms to be obvious, the sisters could already have a long head start, disappearing quietly into the crowds of whatever town they're in before anyone knew there was anything suspicious happening in the first place. That is just one possible idea - of course you can handle it any way you prefer; it's your story!)
Now for the Shameless Nitpicking I mentioned. There are several little things I could complain about in this chapter, but I'm going to restrict myself to mentioning three passages and explaining why I would change them slightly. There are various times in this first chapter when it seems to me that you could add more commas in the middle of sentences. Here's one example.
* “Oh and I was so close too”, pouted Crystal, my older sister. *
I'd stick a couple more commas into Crystal's speech (although there might be room for argument about whether they're absolutely necessary). However, I'm absolutely sure of this next part I'm going to say: When the spoken dialogue part of a longer sentence is ending, with the rest of the sentence telling us who just said the dialogue we read, the comma should go right inside the quotation marks, instead of right after them. You made that same tiny mistake in the the narrator's response to Crystal a moment later. Anyway, I would write that sentence as:
“Oh, and I was so close, too,” pouted Crystal, my older sister.
* My hair was lack but it was a weird color for black *
Strictly speaking, I think "black" is only one "color," but can come in different "shades." I could be wrong, but to be on the safe side, I'd probably rewrite that bit as:
My hair was black, but a weird shade of black.
* But our personality is an entirely different matter we could have been twins. Our personalities are so similar that we can almost finish each other’s sentences and thoughts. *
In that first sentence I quoted there, it should be "personalities," plural, instead of "personality," singular. Since we're talking about two different people, each with her own thoughts inside her own brain, even if they often think alike. And I don't think you need to say "personality" or "personalities" in two sentences in a row, actually - although there's no solid rule against it! Call it a matter of taste; I think it's better if you don't sound like you're repeating that word right after you mention it the first time. And I think you need a semicolon in the middle of that first sentence to show where one thought stops and the other thought starts; it's a little confusing the way you have it right now. So I might have said it this way:
But our personalities are an entirely different matter; we could have been twins. Our minds are so similar that we can almost finish each other's sentences and thoughts.
7LorendiacWell, you asked for feedback and I'll do my best to offer some. Although I admit it shocked me to see you actually asking for flames, apparently on the theory that even they'd be better than nothing. (Yes, I suppose I shock easily!)
I don't believe in flaming people, but I do work to build and keep a reputation for Shameless Nitpicking. (Not the same thing! Flaming would be if I went out of my way to insult people and call them nasty names.)
So, just to make my feelings clear, before I start criticizing some specific little bits and pieces of your writing: I hope you will KEEP writing! I'm a firm believer in the concept that "practice makes perfect." And I admit that I'm already at least mildly interested in finding out how their assassination attempt goes. One of the things I'm wondering is, "Are these sisters so angry that they are willing to die as long as they get their revenge in the process, by killing the king before anyone realizes what they're doing and can stop them? Or does their plan involve a possible way to kill him and still escape somehow before they can be trapped, tortured, and killed by angry guards?"
(As one possible suggestion: IF they actually care about making a clean getaway, then a good assassination method might be to find an opportunity to poison something the king's going to eat or drink today. Ideally, by the time he's swallowed it and the poison has started to affect him enough for the symptoms to be obvious, the sisters could already have a long head start, disappearing quietly into the crowds of whatever town they're in before anyone knew there was anything suspicious happening in the first place. That is just one possible idea - of course you can handle it any way you prefer; it's your story!)
Now for the Shameless Nitpicking I mentioned. There are several little things I could complain about in this chapter, but I'm going to restrict myself to mentioning three passages and explaining why I would change them slightly. There are various times in this first chapter when it seems to me that you could add more commas in the middle of sentences. Here's one example.
* “Oh and I was so close too”, pouted Crystal, my older sister. *
I'd stick a couple more commas into Crystal's speech (although there might be room for argument about whether they're absolutely necessary). However, I'm absolutely sure of this next part I'm going to say: When the spoken dialogue part of a longer sentence is ending, with the rest of the sentence telling us who just said the dialogue we read, the comma should go right inside the quotation marks, instead of right after them. You made that same tiny mistake in the the narrator's response to Crystal a moment later. Anyway, I would write that sentence as:
“Oh, and I was so close, too,” pouted Crystal, my older sister.
* My hair was lack but it was a weird color for black *
Strictly speaking, I think "black" is only one "color," but can come in different "shades." I could be wrong, but to be on the safe side, I'd probably rewrite that bit as:
My hair was black, but a weird shade of black.
* But our personality is an entirely different matter we could have been twins. Our personalities are so similar that we can almost finish each other’s sentences and thoughts. *
In that first sentence I quoted there, it should be "personalities," plural, instead of "personality," singular. Since we're talking about two different people, each with her own thoughts inside her own brain, even if they often think alike. And I don't think you need to say "personality" or "personalities" in two sentences in a row, actually - although there's no solid rule against it! Call it a matter of taste; I think it's better if you don't sound like you're repeating that word right after you mention it the first time. And I think you need a semicolon in the middle of that first sentence to show where one thought stops and the other thought starts; it's a little confusing the way you have it right now. So I might have said it this way:
But our personalities are an entirely different matter; we could have been twins. Our minds are so similar that we can almost finish each other's sentences and thoughts.