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3/10/2008 c6 4jammi
Hey, first and foremost your writing style is really engaging and it catches the reader's attention and keeps it, my main problem though is that considering the timeline that this is happening in she seems to be jumping to huge conclusions. Like, the way she talks about Ryan and Hunter it seems like things she would be commenting on after at least a week, she describes how they are as people and it flows but I'm pulled out because after it's apparent that she's only know hunter for what? A day? But I don't know, that was bothering me, lol, maybe I missed the passage of time or something.

If you're writing it in the form of her telling it from the future and relaying the past maybe you could show us more about their personalities then have her tell us about them because I start to connect with her then she says something and I have no idea where that impression came from considering what we've seen in the story. Also, Hunter doesn't believe in premarital sex and whatnot then wouldn't he have stopped her when they were in the driveway and she was feeling him up? I mean, considering the fact that they didn't even know each other it just seems strange that someone who's staunch in that sort of belief would forget it just for a kiss from someone he doesn't know or whatever.

But overall, really intriguing story line, Denise is extremely irritating and her dad is a dumbass. Going to read the rest but wanted to comment on those things. :)
1/29/2007 c11 2akaCHEEKS
haha that's right! i like Hunter Green better than Ryan!
1/29/2007 c11 gonnabefamous
It wasn't mundane! Haha, it was very soulful...okay I'm done. But serisouly, it helped me establish Lin's and Ryan's relationship. Well we can safely say she is not interested in her step brother. Oh and Stephen Green, ew, mean nasty man. Yuck, nice character protrayel there. Great job and I can't wait for more.
1/28/2007 c11 12Jo Rene
Mistake: A look of pure sadness crossed his face. “At home, he treated her as if he didn't exist. To please his needs, he had a new mistress every month.”

Correction: A look of pure sadness crossed his face. “At home, he treated her as if she didn't exist. To please his needs, he had a new mistress every month.”

Mistake: but Kara White wasn't the sort of guy that wanted to be tied down to one man.

Correction: but Kara White wasn't the sort of girl that wanted to be tied down to one man.

Mistake: Ryan asked, “What is your relationship with Ryan?”

Correction: Ryan asked, “What is your relationship with Hunter?”

There ya go. Good chapter btw. Cant wait to read more! Update soon :D
1/28/2007 c10 Jo Rene
Mistake: He didn’t have a six back or anything.

Correction: He didn’t have a six pack or anything.

That the only error I found, That was a wonderful chapter. So full of emotions to. :D Good work!
1/28/2007 c9 Jo Rene
HAHA Nice going there with the waitress. Speaking of waitress. My husband hates the girls at work. They are so whinie and never write clearly enough on the ticket lol.
1/28/2007 c8 Jo Rene
Ah, I cant wait to find out Ryan big secret. HEH I use to have a crush on a Ryan in highschool o so long ago to :D
1/28/2007 c7 Jo Rene
I hope things work out for Lin. Keep it up :D
1/28/2007 c6 Jo Rene
My dad did the same thing, I use to be a daddy's girl. Then all of a sudden he changed. And he still the same angry man he is today. I had to cut off relation's with him as well. Keep up the good work :D
1/28/2007 c5 Jo Rene
I wasnt expecting this turn of events. Let keep reading!
1/28/2007 c3 Jo Rene
The snow down his pants just had me laughing my ass off to the point that my family gave me strange looks and I had to contain myself and say it was nothing at all nothing at all :D
1/28/2007 c1 Jo Rene
I made a new year resolution to review every I read for every single chapter this year! So Here it is. I never really have much to say though. But this story looks like it might be interesting. It was short but at least it didnt feel like I was reading from a machine :D Keep up the good work.
1/24/2007 c10 SnowedGirl
hey girl! i know i have never reviewed before but im reading ur story! i like it very much really and im waiting anxiously for the next chapter. i know u said u werent writting another chapter until 2007 but i cant wait to read whats next lol :) ok, hope u update soon. c ya!
1/5/2007 c10 14Luelle
hey

u noe a good story by not reading but seeing it

and i see this story its good

the characters all seem to share not a very pleasnt hmm lets say home life, but they re good all in all

:D

there are putting so muych effort into defending themselves they must be strong its funny how event certain thing eaither shatter you or learn and they make u stronger

nice work

Luelle
12/27/2006 c10 autumnsprite
omigosh, i was so damn lucky to stumble onto this piece of writing! It's so good, your characters are "real" your descriptions vibrant, i love this story! please update soon!
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