for War Over Jadd5/25/2010 c1 eiyuang999
hi !
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hi !
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11/29/2006 c2 
25M.H. Moosetail
I'll say, its a real good story. Nice writing in all of it. You have potential. But you lack in the dialogue, my friend. In a published novel, do you ever see two people chat back and forth like in your story? My point. Also, *smiles* your story needs a little more excitement. Halfway through the chapter I'm getting bored of learning the relations between Naia and her father. Its a nice setup but time on it should be shortened I think. More dire situations and fix up the dialogue and Hey! You'll be a good writer! Everything else is fine. You want to keep people's eyes locked in. I hope to see more of your story. Later
25M.H. MoosetailI'll say, its a real good story. Nice writing in all of it. You have potential. But you lack in the dialogue, my friend. In a published novel, do you ever see two people chat back and forth like in your story? My point. Also, *smiles* your story needs a little more excitement. Halfway through the chapter I'm getting bored of learning the relations between Naia and her father. Its a nice setup but time on it should be shortened I think. More dire situations and fix up the dialogue and Hey! You'll be a good writer! Everything else is fine. You want to keep people's eyes locked in. I hope to see more of your story. Later