for Misconception REWRITE6/23/2007 c13 
19Olivine
There are parts where it's really cheesy, and I wonder if you're attempting drama, but other than that, it's pretty good. An example of one of those times is back when they were going to the party, and were attacked. After that, Jordyn said something like, "I didn't think you were going to live!" And something else incredible cheesy afterwards. Okay, I understand that the situation was really bad, and they probably weren't going to live, unless Jordyn and Kori had gotten back on time, and everything, but that was too much. It's alright that he said that, but maybe it would have been better if he'd said it more subtly, as opposed to sobbing it. Which is the impression I got, even though I know he wasn't full out crying. It's just little scenes like this that are a little too extreme, and I keep getting confused because I don't know whether it's for drama, or just there and part of the story.
But, I like the whole VRBG idea. It's very creative and it's like a school sport, or something. I'm surprised that the girls in the school don't watch it; wouldn't they want to see the 'hot' guys fighting, or whatever? Maybe when it comes time for that tournament, you could add that in there. I get the feeling that what they've been doing so far is just practice or for fun, and the tournament is going to be a lot bigger. I honestly like Christian. I don't agree with his player ways, of course, but although it was obvious from the beginning that that's who Alex is going to end up with, I'm still cheering for him. I am a little confused, though. I know she went to that dance with Jordyn, but was it just a one time thing, or was it more? See, the thing is, you're giving her a lot of situations with guys, which I understand, because she's living in a guy's dorm, or whatever it's called, but then you make it seem as if there's more to it. That they're not just friends, but something's sparking. I get that there was something on Lurak's part, in this chapter and last chapter, and everything, and that was fine. That was good, but what was it with her and Jordyn? And when she sat down and told Kori about Tom in the beginning, I thought there might have been something there, too. I find it weird that she told only him about Tom, and not someone else. I don't know.
But you're doing a great job, here. I think I'll add it to my C2, Island of the Romanced. Just take everything I mentioned here and think about it. I think I've made some valid points, unless you're doing everything for another purpose, for later in the story. Update soon, though.
Olivine.
19OlivineThere are parts where it's really cheesy, and I wonder if you're attempting drama, but other than that, it's pretty good. An example of one of those times is back when they were going to the party, and were attacked. After that, Jordyn said something like, "I didn't think you were going to live!" And something else incredible cheesy afterwards. Okay, I understand that the situation was really bad, and they probably weren't going to live, unless Jordyn and Kori had gotten back on time, and everything, but that was too much. It's alright that he said that, but maybe it would have been better if he'd said it more subtly, as opposed to sobbing it. Which is the impression I got, even though I know he wasn't full out crying. It's just little scenes like this that are a little too extreme, and I keep getting confused because I don't know whether it's for drama, or just there and part of the story.
But, I like the whole VRBG idea. It's very creative and it's like a school sport, or something. I'm surprised that the girls in the school don't watch it; wouldn't they want to see the 'hot' guys fighting, or whatever? Maybe when it comes time for that tournament, you could add that in there. I get the feeling that what they've been doing so far is just practice or for fun, and the tournament is going to be a lot bigger. I honestly like Christian. I don't agree with his player ways, of course, but although it was obvious from the beginning that that's who Alex is going to end up with, I'm still cheering for him. I am a little confused, though. I know she went to that dance with Jordyn, but was it just a one time thing, or was it more? See, the thing is, you're giving her a lot of situations with guys, which I understand, because she's living in a guy's dorm, or whatever it's called, but then you make it seem as if there's more to it. That they're not just friends, but something's sparking. I get that there was something on Lurak's part, in this chapter and last chapter, and everything, and that was fine. That was good, but what was it with her and Jordyn? And when she sat down and told Kori about Tom in the beginning, I thought there might have been something there, too. I find it weird that she told only him about Tom, and not someone else. I don't know.
But you're doing a great job, here. I think I'll add it to my C2, Island of the Romanced. Just take everything I mentioned here and think about it. I think I've made some valid points, unless you're doing everything for another purpose, for later in the story. Update soon, though.
Olivine.
6/22/2007 c13 6ObliviousLady
Poor boys. I love them both. Lol.
Great chapter. Have fun on your trip and do update as soon as you can!
6ObliviousLadyPoor boys. I love them both. Lol.
Great chapter. Have fun on your trip and do update as soon as you can!
6/22/2007 c13 6Pointy Objects
I suddenly have a deep understanding for Christian, and I love his character. He' portrayed with the right blend of cockiness and insecurity. It's actaully very endearing knowing a little about is pastt and everything. Very rewarding chapter.
-Pointy_o
6Pointy ObjectsI suddenly have a deep understanding for Christian, and I love his character. He' portrayed with the right blend of cockiness and insecurity. It's actaully very endearing knowing a little about is pastt and everything. Very rewarding chapter.
-Pointy_o
6/22/2007 c12 Murphy's Lawyer
YAY! Update!
Sorry I'm insanely cheerful. One of my stories was nominated for a SKoW award.
- LL
YAY! Update!
Sorry I'm insanely cheerful. One of my stories was nominated for a SKoW award.
- LL
6/21/2007 c12 Brookelyn Thomas Caine
I love your story! It's so good! I can't wait until the next one comes out!
I love all the characters. I just feel that sometimes Alex is a little indecisive. Sometimes she seems really confident and sure of herself, like she thinks so highly of herself. Then other times she's really down on herself. I know that most teenage girls act like that (I know I do), but she has such extremes. I'm not saying to change it, I just wanted to make sure that you realized how extreme the change is.
But I love the story and I honestly don't think you should change anything! I hope that it lasts for a while cause I really like it!
I can't wait for the next one to come out!
Brooke
I love your story! It's so good! I can't wait until the next one comes out!
I love all the characters. I just feel that sometimes Alex is a little indecisive. Sometimes she seems really confident and sure of herself, like she thinks so highly of herself. Then other times she's really down on herself. I know that most teenage girls act like that (I know I do), but she has such extremes. I'm not saying to change it, I just wanted to make sure that you realized how extreme the change is.
But I love the story and I honestly don't think you should change anything! I hope that it lasts for a while cause I really like it!
I can't wait for the next one to come out!
Brooke
6/21/2007 c12 6ObliviousLady
aw, this is so sweet. Lurak is so sweet, and the other guys are such idiots. Jeez, Alex's life is getting more and more complex. I love it all. Great chapter. Hope to see another one up soon.
6ObliviousLadyaw, this is so sweet. Lurak is so sweet, and the other guys are such idiots. Jeez, Alex's life is getting more and more complex. I love it all. Great chapter. Hope to see another one up soon.
6/21/2007 c12 3cerulean morning
Aww, this is cute! It's refreshing to read a story that doesn't have the storyline of a girl dressing like a boy in an all boys school. It just doesn't appeal to me, but this mix-up thing is a good subsitute. I really like your plot line, but there are a few places that you need to clean up on your wording. It can get a bit confusing. I'm forgetful and being the lazy person I am, did not write down where these places are. Just letting you know. Update soon! I want to know who Alex gets together with! It's pretty hard to figure out this early in the story but personally, I'm rooting for Jordyn.
3cerulean morningAww, this is cute! It's refreshing to read a story that doesn't have the storyline of a girl dressing like a boy in an all boys school. It just doesn't appeal to me, but this mix-up thing is a good subsitute. I really like your plot line, but there are a few places that you need to clean up on your wording. It can get a bit confusing. I'm forgetful and being the lazy person I am, did not write down where these places are. Just letting you know. Update soon! I want to know who Alex gets together with! It's pretty hard to figure out this early in the story but personally, I'm rooting for Jordyn.
6/21/2007 c1 angelgrl
i love this so far. i liked the beginning where u put in a bit of her past, but wasnt too detailed so the story can start but enough so that we can see how much she liked tom and when alex opened the room and saw that the y were making out, i thought that the girl was the roomate, not the guy and when he was like u might want to check if u have the right room and he was like 'check with my roomate' i still didnt expect him to be alex's roomate. so i think that part was really good since it was unexpected..or that im just really tired and my brain isnt functioning correctly. either way, i enjoyed the first chap.
i love this so far. i liked the beginning where u put in a bit of her past, but wasnt too detailed so the story can start but enough so that we can see how much she liked tom and when alex opened the room and saw that the y were making out, i thought that the girl was the roomate, not the guy and when he was like u might want to check if u have the right room and he was like 'check with my roomate' i still didnt expect him to be alex's roomate. so i think that part was really good since it was unexpected..or that im just really tired and my brain isnt functioning correctly. either way, i enjoyed the first chap.