for Malevolent and Undoubtedly Grotesque Arthropods1/21/2010 c23 william strother
A very good story well worth your time reading. so take the time and read it. I highly think that you well like two other storys by the same auther ( space tail)(the other war)
A very good story well worth your time reading. so take the time and read it. I highly think that you well like two other storys by the same auther ( space tail)(the other war)
12/20/2008 c23 
10Four Minute Warning
"I do not hold Jonathan 'Nathan Ridge' responsible for the content portrayed in the upcoming chapter and in no way will I do him bodily harm or even think evil thoughts about him lest I wish to have many ill-fated things happen to me including but not limited to fifty lashes with a wet noodle."
(...Ssh, I had my fingers crossed behind my back. =3 'Sides, I'm way Too Kinky To Torture.)
'My little teddy bear'? Aw, bless, excuse me while I vomit in the corner over here. x3
Sir Harold gets way too drunk way too fast, even for someone who can't hold their licker. The key with writing drunken-ness tends to be 'less is more'...
But a good chapter and a nice song. =3
10Four Minute Warning"I do not hold Jonathan 'Nathan Ridge' responsible for the content portrayed in the upcoming chapter and in no way will I do him bodily harm or even think evil thoughts about him lest I wish to have many ill-fated things happen to me including but not limited to fifty lashes with a wet noodle."
(...Ssh, I had my fingers crossed behind my back. =3 'Sides, I'm way Too Kinky To Torture.)
'My little teddy bear'? Aw, bless, excuse me while I vomit in the corner over here. x3
Sir Harold gets way too drunk way too fast, even for someone who can't hold their licker. The key with writing drunken-ness tends to be 'less is more'...
But a good chapter and a nice song. =3
8/6/2008 c1 3Tar Heel
Hey there. So I've only read the first chapter, but it was interesting, and I plan on continuing.
For the first chapter though, I like a lot of your word choices. There are a few issues I do have though. First of all, your character seems like a smart alack, which is good, because it makes your story have a bit of humor. At the same time, I think her internal dialogue is a bit overdone, at some points.
She also seems a bit too smart for her own good - almost a mary sue type of character. She's in 10th but has already baffled her teacher and her psychologist? It's fine to have a witty character, but don't overdue it. Wittiness turns to cockiness and annoying pretty quickly if every single line is witty.
Another thing I think you could do is make the end of this chapter into a scene. Instead of saying "I hate my step-father because of x, y, and z," why not give us a scene to show us an example of him being a giant douchebag? It would make us feel more for the character. As of this beginning, I don't really feel connected with the character because she has no signs of weakness. Granted, she cuts herself, but the way she talks and the way she internalizes makes me see no real person in here. I'll comment on this more later, because I'm sure there will be more characterization in the many chapters you have up.
I also would suggest making some of your chapters longer. You don't really get any steam going, and things seemed to happen extremely quickly here.
Another minor quirk. While it is hard to describe the protagonist in first person, try working it into the story a bit more. Looking in the mirror is an obvious, cliched way of doing it, but can work well if you just put it within context. Saying, "I walked upstairs and looked in the mirror," just screams of needing to describe her appearance and not really having a better way to do it. You've got talent - I'm sure you can find a way.
Anyway, overall, interesting beginning. I look forward to reading the rest.
3Tar HeelHey there. So I've only read the first chapter, but it was interesting, and I plan on continuing.
For the first chapter though, I like a lot of your word choices. There are a few issues I do have though. First of all, your character seems like a smart alack, which is good, because it makes your story have a bit of humor. At the same time, I think her internal dialogue is a bit overdone, at some points.
She also seems a bit too smart for her own good - almost a mary sue type of character. She's in 10th but has already baffled her teacher and her psychologist? It's fine to have a witty character, but don't overdue it. Wittiness turns to cockiness and annoying pretty quickly if every single line is witty.
Another thing I think you could do is make the end of this chapter into a scene. Instead of saying "I hate my step-father because of x, y, and z," why not give us a scene to show us an example of him being a giant douchebag? It would make us feel more for the character. As of this beginning, I don't really feel connected with the character because she has no signs of weakness. Granted, she cuts herself, but the way she talks and the way she internalizes makes me see no real person in here. I'll comment on this more later, because I'm sure there will be more characterization in the many chapters you have up.
I also would suggest making some of your chapters longer. You don't really get any steam going, and things seemed to happen extremely quickly here.
Another minor quirk. While it is hard to describe the protagonist in first person, try working it into the story a bit more. Looking in the mirror is an obvious, cliched way of doing it, but can work well if you just put it within context. Saying, "I walked upstairs and looked in the mirror," just screams of needing to describe her appearance and not really having a better way to do it. You've got talent - I'm sure you can find a way.
Anyway, overall, interesting beginning. I look forward to reading the rest.
7/14/2008 c20 Shadow Reina
Ack! Cliffy! That notebook will be ripped from your hand as soon as you get off that plane. It will be my entertainment on the ride home.
Ack! Cliffy! That notebook will be ripped from your hand as soon as you get off that plane. It will be my entertainment on the ride home.
7/11/2008 c19 10Four Minute Warning
I want a walking stick like that. =3
Btw, sorry that my last message to you on aim was how I didn't much like Sruun. x3 I was going to explain why when it logged me out...
She is just not nearly so likeable. She comes across as stiff, hostile and overmoral (Gavin isn't going to do anything, and sleeping next to him helps the dreams, so why /not/? I know she doesn't like to be close to people, but...). I know that this is her character and it's not going to change...and it's not a slur on you or your characterisation or your writing, in fact probably the opposite. x3
It's...just the reasons I don't like her as much as the other two protagonists from the other two stories.
...I feel bad now. =x
10Four Minute WarningI want a walking stick like that. =3
Btw, sorry that my last message to you on aim was how I didn't much like Sruun. x3 I was going to explain why when it logged me out...
She is just not nearly so likeable. She comes across as stiff, hostile and overmoral (Gavin isn't going to do anything, and sleeping next to him helps the dreams, so why /not/? I know she doesn't like to be close to people, but...). I know that this is her character and it's not going to change...and it's not a slur on you or your characterisation or your writing, in fact probably the opposite. x3
It's...just the reasons I don't like her as much as the other two protagonists from the other two stories.
...I feel bad now. =x
7/11/2008 c18 Four Minute Warning
Percentage, not percentile.
Other than that, pretty nice. Sorry for disappearing on AIM, but it logged me out and refuses to log back in again. I don't know why.
Percentage, not percentile.
Other than that, pretty nice. Sorry for disappearing on AIM, but it logged me out and refuses to log back in again. I don't know why.
7/10/2008 c19 Shadow Reina
Nicely done. Update soon or I'll 'accidently' push you off the golf cart when you get here.
Nicely done. Update soon or I'll 'accidently' push you off the golf cart when you get here.
5/7/2008 c17 Shadow Reina
Very good. That would suck being captive like that. Update soon please. ^_^
Very good. That would suck being captive like that. Update soon please. ^_^
2/27/2008 c15 Shadow Reina
Sounds like someone escaped a mental institute. Nice chapter. Update soon please.
Sounds like someone escaped a mental institute. Nice chapter. Update soon please.
10/2/2007 c13 Four Minute Warning
YAY CATRIONS. And daft people! Catrions and daft people are fun! Oh yes they are.
YAY CATRIONS. And daft people! Catrions and daft people are fun! Oh yes they are.