for OneHundredandOneThemes11/17/2006 c15 
871no.peace.los.angeles
Ooh, very nice. Very philosophical or something. I love that you capitalize all these really random words throughout (but they're not random, I see that much). My favorite section would be the middle, starting with "holding Sunset" and ending with "Symphony of which she is the conductor." Beautiful description there. I don't think you need "(like ice)" because we all know ice is cold. Keep writing! :)
871no.peace.los.angelesOoh, very nice. Very philosophical or something. I love that you capitalize all these really random words throughout (but they're not random, I see that much). My favorite section would be the middle, starting with "holding Sunset" and ending with "Symphony of which she is the conductor." Beautiful description there. I don't think you need "(like ice)" because we all know ice is cold. Keep writing! :)
11/17/2006 c14 no.peace.los.angeles
This is a really disturbing poem. You're giving us some really weird and kind of disgusting images with his mouth and teeth, and that's good. I mean, the fact that you got me disturbed shows your poem worked. Definitely not what I would have done with a prompt like "smile." Keep writing! :)
This is a really disturbing poem. You're giving us some really weird and kind of disgusting images with his mouth and teeth, and that's good. I mean, the fact that you got me disturbed shows your poem worked. Definitely not what I would have done with a prompt like "smile." Keep writing! :)
11/17/2006 c13 no.peace.los.angeles
I'm pretty ambivalent about this one. It's nice enough, but I don't know that it has enough to really draw me in. I think it's because there aren't a ton of images, and hey, that doesn't mean anything, it's just my own personal preference. Keep writing! :)
I'm pretty ambivalent about this one. It's nice enough, but I don't know that it has enough to really draw me in. I think it's because there aren't a ton of images, and hey, that doesn't mean anything, it's just my own personal preference. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c12 no.peace.los.angeles
This is a strange poem. I think my favorite bit is smelling like cleaning fluids because wow, that is kinda crazy. I don't know if the form of this poem is supposed to replicate insanity? (That is totally not a rip on your writing, btw, in case you thought that.) I don't know what I think of this one, quite honestly. Keep writing! :)
This is a strange poem. I think my favorite bit is smelling like cleaning fluids because wow, that is kinda crazy. I don't know if the form of this poem is supposed to replicate insanity? (That is totally not a rip on your writing, btw, in case you thought that.) I don't know what I think of this one, quite honestly. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c11 no.peace.los.angeles
Okay, first time reading through, I didn't like the dead rose, but now I don't mind it so much. Crazy. I like making the air tangible in the first stanza. That is so nice, all the descriptions and comparisons you've given. It really helps to visualize the scene. This is one of those poems that's so heartbreaking, but at the same time, you want to live it just to say you've actually lived what's going on in this poem. I probably don't make a lot of sense. It's about 2 AM and I am fired up. Keep writing! :)
Okay, first time reading through, I didn't like the dead rose, but now I don't mind it so much. Crazy. I like making the air tangible in the first stanza. That is so nice, all the descriptions and comparisons you've given. It really helps to visualize the scene. This is one of those poems that's so heartbreaking, but at the same time, you want to live it just to say you've actually lived what's going on in this poem. I probably don't make a lot of sense. It's about 2 AM and I am fired up. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c10 no.peace.los.angeles
Ooh, I like this one a lot, too. Lots of gorgeous images in this one, and I just love the idea of the scene in general. There are lots of little things in this that make this really nice, like rain coming in through the crack in the passenger door, are you really in (Kansas) Massachusetts anymore, turning the radio down so he could hear you think, best friends being mundane. It's just a great poem. Nice work. Keep writing! :)
Ooh, I like this one a lot, too. Lots of gorgeous images in this one, and I just love the idea of the scene in general. There are lots of little things in this that make this really nice, like rain coming in through the crack in the passenger door, are you really in (Kansas) Massachusetts anymore, turning the radio down so he could hear you think, best friends being mundane. It's just a great poem. Nice work. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c9 no.peace.los.angeles
Now here we go, we're back on track with this one. Gorgeous gorgeous images in this. I love how you put all these different materials into his eyes and then you explain it with that beautiful last sentence - "So that when he looked at me, he could show me the world." It all comes together with that line, and my goodness is it beautiful. Nice work. Keep writing! :)
Now here we go, we're back on track with this one. Gorgeous gorgeous images in this. I love how you put all these different materials into his eyes and then you explain it with that beautiful last sentence - "So that when he looked at me, he could show me the world." It all comes together with that line, and my goodness is it beautiful. Nice work. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c8 no.peace.los.angeles
Hmm, interesting. I do love what you've put in heaven ("long, deep silences, and happy birthdays and apple trees, dug deep between the clouds") because I think those are great things to want in heaven, but I'm not sure how I feel about the dialogue again. The more I think about it, the more I realize that poetry kinda does suffer under the use of dialogue. I mean, I've used it before, too, so that doesn't mean I'm not guilty of doing it, too, but do you see what I mean? I think it's maybe because you're including the dialogue tags with the dialogue. Because I think it would be okay without the tags. Whatever. Man, I am leaving some long reviews tonight. That's what you get when I'm hyper. Not that you mind, I'm sure. Keep writing! :)
Hmm, interesting. I do love what you've put in heaven ("long, deep silences, and happy birthdays and apple trees, dug deep between the clouds") because I think those are great things to want in heaven, but I'm not sure how I feel about the dialogue again. The more I think about it, the more I realize that poetry kinda does suffer under the use of dialogue. I mean, I've used it before, too, so that doesn't mean I'm not guilty of doing it, too, but do you see what I mean? I think it's maybe because you're including the dialogue tags with the dialogue. Because I think it would be okay without the tags. Whatever. Man, I am leaving some long reviews tonight. That's what you get when I'm hyper. Not that you mind, I'm sure. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c7 no.peace.los.angeles
Okay, I like some of the images in this - the breaking of the passenger seat window (the specificity of that is nice), I like the paths of scar tissue (interesting phrasing), and the growing wings bit at the end from a scar and a freckle (well done). That said, I looked at the other reviews you had gotten to make sure I wasn't telling you something you didn't already know, but the "broken shards of my heart" line, yeah, gotta agree with crazy dog events. Don't like it so much. Very angsty and not in a good way. Also, in the first stanza, the line "I don't think you saw the scratches which the glass left" can either do without the "which" altogether or have the which be replaced with "that." Yeah, not my favorite of these, but still nice. Keep writing! :)
Okay, I like some of the images in this - the breaking of the passenger seat window (the specificity of that is nice), I like the paths of scar tissue (interesting phrasing), and the growing wings bit at the end from a scar and a freckle (well done). That said, I looked at the other reviews you had gotten to make sure I wasn't telling you something you didn't already know, but the "broken shards of my heart" line, yeah, gotta agree with crazy dog events. Don't like it so much. Very angsty and not in a good way. Also, in the first stanza, the line "I don't think you saw the scratches which the glass left" can either do without the "which" altogether or have the which be replaced with "that." Yeah, not my favorite of these, but still nice. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c6 no.peace.los.angeles
Oh, this one is so sad! I can't stand it when people are in relationships like that, it's so painful to watch, especially when you're the one doing the comforting. The image of this guy as a "little lost dog at the back door" is so cute and it makes ME want to hug him, so nice choice. I LOVE "it's days later when he tells me he dreamt of pens and clocks and trips to the circus" because it's those random things that people really do dream about, and since you had been saying all this random stuff to him, it makes sense. Beautiful. I also love the rhyme at the end, with "slow" and "go" and the slight rhyme in "more." Nice work. Keep writing! :)
Oh, this one is so sad! I can't stand it when people are in relationships like that, it's so painful to watch, especially when you're the one doing the comforting. The image of this guy as a "little lost dog at the back door" is so cute and it makes ME want to hug him, so nice choice. I LOVE "it's days later when he tells me he dreamt of pens and clocks and trips to the circus" because it's those random things that people really do dream about, and since you had been saying all this random stuff to him, it makes sense. Beautiful. I also love the rhyme at the end, with "slow" and "go" and the slight rhyme in "more." Nice work. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c5 no.peace.los.angeles
There are some really gorgeous descriptions in this one at the beginning, where you're walking across the sand and the waves are crashing in. Very vivid. I really love "quaking and cracking" because you've managed to have a not-quite-a-rhyme rhyme (I can't think of the word for that at the moment) and it's just nice, and also onamotopoetic. "deepdarkshadow" is wonderfully formatted. However, I don't know that I like the subject of the poem that much - this whole trip to Hell seems kinda cliche. I mean, you've done wonders with it, but the end seems a bit trite. I don't like the stanza with the dialogue at all, because dialogue can work at times in poetry, but I don't think it felt right in this poem. Overall, though, better than most poetry I read. Keep writing! :)
There are some really gorgeous descriptions in this one at the beginning, where you're walking across the sand and the waves are crashing in. Very vivid. I really love "quaking and cracking" because you've managed to have a not-quite-a-rhyme rhyme (I can't think of the word for that at the moment) and it's just nice, and also onamotopoetic. "deepdarkshadow" is wonderfully formatted. However, I don't know that I like the subject of the poem that much - this whole trip to Hell seems kinda cliche. I mean, you've done wonders with it, but the end seems a bit trite. I don't like the stanza with the dialogue at all, because dialogue can work at times in poetry, but I don't think it felt right in this poem. Overall, though, better than most poetry I read. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c4 no.peace.los.angeles
Wow. Such a simple topic, yet you've done wonders describing it. "butter-like tones" is such a gorgeous way to describe light, and it's very accurate and original. Nice work. Just how you've gone through every phase in great detail is wonderful. Beautiful work yet again. Keep writing! :)
Wow. Such a simple topic, yet you've done wonders describing it. "butter-like tones" is such a gorgeous way to describe light, and it's very accurate and original. Nice work. Just how you've gone through every phase in great detail is wonderful. Beautiful work yet again. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c3 no.peace.los.angeles
Ooh, this one is really sad and angsty. I like. "I was foolish enough to pay the toll man." Ouch. This one bites a little bit, and that's good. Definitely a strong poem. Keep writing! :)
Ooh, this one is really sad and angsty. I like. "I was foolish enough to pay the toll man." Ouch. This one bites a little bit, and that's good. Definitely a strong poem. Keep writing! :)
11/16/2006 c2 no.peace.los.angeles
Oh my. This is just stunning. I love how you use images throughout this, and this religious theme you have running throughout this is astonishing. I love the phrases "a shower of shooting stars in my head" and "He spoke of rooftops and raindrops" because of the alliteration and imagery in both and the rhyme in the second. Beautiful. Just a gorgeous poem. Keep writing! :)
Oh my. This is just stunning. I love how you use images throughout this, and this religious theme you have running throughout this is astonishing. I love the phrases "a shower of shooting stars in my head" and "He spoke of rooftops and raindrops" because of the alliteration and imagery in both and the rhyme in the second. Beautiful. Just a gorgeous poem. Keep writing! :)
11/14/2006 c12 crazy dog events
The last line was stark, sad in the sort of off-hand contemplation, and it just worked really well. This has no extra frills- It's the sort of build and conclusion you would come to in your head, a transcript of thoughts, and that's good. That really works for you.
The last line was stark, sad in the sort of off-hand contemplation, and it just worked really well. This has no extra frills- It's the sort of build and conclusion you would come to in your head, a transcript of thoughts, and that's good. That really works for you.