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for Too Far Gone

1/27/2009 c1 18Lime-Cat
At the very first sentence, there is some confusion going on because of grammar errors. Here's what I think it should say:

"The sight of a patrol car pulling into her driveway made the hairs on Tanith's neck stand on end. She could see Jack's face as she waited for him to pull in, and it was not the face of someone who was returning from enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend."

I didn't particularly like the part about the hairs "standing on end" because it sounds a bit awkward even though I know what you're trying to say. Also, I didn't know how to reword it, so do a google search and look up the correct saying...at least, I think there's a correct saying for that situation. Haha.

"It was an explosion [...]" - I believe it's supposed to say, "There was an explosion" because 1) it is an event and 2) it already happened.

I wasn't fond of Jack's reaction to what Tanith said towards the end when she told him their daughter was kidnapped/abducted mainly because Jack uses the same word earlier in the chapter to describe his surprise/shock - "What?" Try using a different way to express his surprise/disbelief. I would suggest having him simply stare at Tanith, speechless, in a state of disbelief as if she really is "raving mad" to affirm his previous question.

"If Casey was dead, I would know." - I'm not a master at grammar, but this didn't sound right to me. Since Tanith strongly believes Casey is alive, she wouldn't imply that she's dead by using 'was'. Perhaps "If Casey is dead, I would know." sounds better? Use your best judgment.

Lastly, dialog...I had trouble figuring out who was speaking/thinking because you abruptly jump from one person's perspective to someone else's. For instance, "Jack sighed. She knew he didn't want this." You start off with an action from Jack, then you switch to Tanith talking about Jack from her perspective. I found it nice to know what both persons were thinking at that moment, but it was confusing at the same time and took me a few reads to figure it out.

Overall, I really enjoyed this first chapter. The suspense and Tanith's crazed reaction about Casey's disappearance worked very well. I am not a fan of sci-fi stories, but I think I'll continue reading this. Nice job at portraying the sixth sense that some mothers have when it comes to their children.


PS: Congrats on winning the January RM! :D
1/19/2007 c13 la elfa
Dude this was realy realy good, so, my hat´s off for you Congrats, man it is awesome! really! keep it on! it is similiar to another ficpress thing i read it's called "In the tiger's mouth" it's not the same thing but it's similiar and i am enjoying this one a lot keep it up...

la elfa
1/6/2007 c13 5Shdwphoenix
Aww. That's what's been going through my head for the past several chapters. Aww, how sad. Aww, how wonderful. Aww, how cute. Aww, how heart-breaking. This story is so awesome. I was completely drawn in by everything: the plot, the characters, their plight, your terrific narration. I was planning to work on my own fics today, but instead of stopping halfway through this story like I planned to, I just finished what you had because I couldn't bear to leave it for later. But it was worth it. Seriously, I'm surprised this doesn't have more reviews.

The plot is so well-constructed down to the small details. You took the concept of psychics and added your own spin, applied your own rules for how they exist, and it worked out great. I love that the heroes are parents, not teens. I love that Tanith has powers, but she's still in the process of gaining them back. What I love most are your characters and how you portray them... They're so realistic, which makes reading about their experiences that much better. It would be pointless to mention every emotion they stir up for me, but this really is an engaging story.

Chapter 12 was very touching. If you can picture it, I was covering my mouth and blinking a lot throughout Tanith's reunion with Casey and her last meeting with Jack.

And y'know, you nearly gave me a heart attack with the second sentence of Chapter 13.

I think the story's more supernatural than sci-fi, but maybe I've just been drugged with too many ideas of Star Wars spaceships and insectoid aliens to understand what counts as sci-fi. .

Chapter Three onward might need some line breaks when the scene switches between Tanith's PoV, Jack's PoV, and Lasalle's PoV. It's not too hard to tell when the PoV change happens, but line breaks would help. And I know you mentioned you wrote this rather quickly, but there are some basic typos scattered around (like using 'through' when you meant 'threw'). I didn't take note of all of them, but if you like, I can go through the chapters again and gather a list for you if you want to edit them. I wish I could offer criticism beyond the technical stuff, but I just can't. Nothing comes to mind.

Anyway, I'd like to mention again what a rush this story gives me and I look forward to your next installment. ^ ^

- Shdwphoenix
11/13/2006 c2 4OttBallOut
Still Good. A little confusing, but good. Is uppose it'll all be explained in due time!
11/13/2006 c1 OttBallOut
Wow this story has quite a bit of potential!I am looking forward to reading on. I didn't notice any grammer or spelling issues (which relieves me). The story was easy to follow as well. Your summary seemed fitting to. A little reveiling however.

Keep up the good work!

`~*~`Anariel Of Mirkwood`~*~`

`~*~`River Of Earth`~*~`

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