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for Latalis Iuris

12/2/2006 c1 2Lyriic
Finely detailed and undoubtedly intriguing! You have quite a way with words, I was caught up in the story right away. I look forward to reading more about Avis and his mysterious companion, Illarius.
11/18/2006 c1 12Piddiffle
Intriguing...very intriguing...I like it much. I think you do a good job of description...Watch out though, you use the word flesh a lot in the first section...Every story can always use a little tweaking, but this one seems off to a good start
11/15/2006 c1 Clarence Boddicker
This is an excellent beginning to a what will presumably turn out to be an excellent story. Overall your writing style is very enjoyable and makes for good reading, and there some nice descriptions and such, not to mention what appear to be very good characters.

There are, though, some things that bring it down (there always seem to be). Most noticeably (to me anyway) was that you tend to exposit too much too quickly. You go from these great descriptions and an excellent gradual introduction of key elements, and just sort of drop a paragraph or two of just pure backstory in the middle, which disrupts the flow of the narrative, I think. You obviously tried to avoid that and keep your writing in the same sort of current-moment style by making it his thoughts, but it still comes across as kind of blunt. The imagery with the invisible chains was really good (explained the situation perfectly), so possibly using just a rehash of that could replace all of that business.

ALSO, a minor thing, but this stuck out when I read it; you drop a lot of effectively useless information in some of your descriptions, like when you gave Avis' age when he's about to pass out (also in that spot, I think perhaps you meant to say "daze" and not "haze"?). Perhaps it's not so much the information that's given but how it's given, as though it's just tacked on as an afterthought. In the same vein as this, towards the bottom your writing gets a little strange in spots, basically around the innkeeper or whoever she is. That part needs some work (it seems to just come out of nowhere to me, but it also seems that there's a reason for it being like that).

Anyway, yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and if (when) you add more, I'll be sure to check it out. Good stuff.
11/15/2006 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Wonderful imagery; the way you form your sentences allows me to drink it in completely and easily. Illarius is so funny...and so mean. xD

"The only good ride you'll find in this village is your lady friend," Illarius purred, and I fixed him with a glare that could have melted steel.

That line made me laugh. ^^'

Keep up the good work, I can't wait to read the next chapter. Avis is such a player. ^.-

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