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for Justified Homicide

3/24/2011 c18 xofallenangelxx
Awesome, why not continue it? please update it soon
7/10/2007 c13 3massattraction
“So do most people,” John said wisely, “but I was encountered by one. Once I was running late after a football practice. It was dark out with only the moon giving light. I had just left the school when I was approached by this man. He was tall, had no hair, his face had marks and bumps and lines that showed age, he was maybe six thousand years old, by my guess. Two glistening fangs were visible as they went well below the bottom lip. His eyes were red but glowing yellow. He glared at me as I walked past. He grabbed my arm and tried to stare me in the eyes, but I didn’t let him and managed to get my arm free. I ran home, he tried to chase me, but I was too fast for him and got home first.” Aryan managed to maintain an interested expression as she nodded along with his talk. It took a lot of work not to laugh.

This sounds a bit to much like a descriptive paragraph that a narrator would use, things like "Glistening fangs were visible" should be changed into "I could see his two glistening fangs hanging down below his lip"

becuase its sounding more like a prologue than a conversation.

hahaha, i love this story:)

its so neeattoo:)
6/24/2007 c9 massattraction
hm, i think Aryan is a little to fearless, in order to be the "abandoned at birth and wrought with pain" kinda kid she needs to have a little hurt and fear, only a LITTLE mind you, but enough that when ol vampire is holding her up against some door with no one else home she just gets a little wee bit of fear flashing in her eyes maybe,

i mean seriously, if some guy who previously nearly broke your ankle, is now dangling you a foot off of the ground, and is way stronger than you, what would be going through your head?

it certanly wouldnt be smart remarks,

something more along the lines of "RAPE!"

he could totaly kill her right there, and seeing as he doesnt have much reason not to wallop the bejeezus out of her right there, she should maybe be a little scared,

and he should slap her around a little more.

i think.

but hey, its your story, not mine=)
6/24/2007 c8 massattraction
Its really turning out well exept for one itsy bitsy detail...

aryan is being way to sarcastic, shes supposed to make everyone beleive that she is a sweet little girl, so instead of having her freak out literaly, have her get mad internally, but not say anything, also, isnt she supposed to not let it out that shes a hunter, since only jacob was there when the killing occured, only jacob should really know that shes a hunter, and she should need to keep it secret from the rest of the people. ANDD... if she didnt need to keep it secret then she wouldnt have to worry about acting all prim and proper.

and if you take away the secrecy your taking away a large portion of the suspense and conflict,

HENCE FORTH, i would do some editing:)

but other than that im loving the story line:)
6/24/2007 c7 massattraction
just plops onto my bed and STAIRS at you with those little brown eyes as if she’s analyzing you

those are the stairs that you walk up, in this case, she STARES at her:)
6/24/2007 c5 massattraction
“Wow, how have you been hunting?” Susan asked.

haha, dont you mean how LONG you'VE been hunting?

i really like this story, just make sure that you dont get to caught up in aryans attitude and adding to the humor so much that it takes away the reality.

If you make her overly sarcastic it becomes less realistic and anoying to constantly read her not always funny remarks, instead make a few smaller but funny remarks:)

good job=]
4/20/2007 c18 8Mell8
You need to get a new editor! While you do have a strong plot and very good character development, you do not have good grammar.

The worst are your homophones!

There, Their, They're

Seem, Seam

Whenever any form of There, Their, or They're is in a sentence you always use Their in your writing even when there or they're should be used instead.

There- in, at or to that place or position.

Their- belonging to or associated with the people or things previously mentioned or easily identified.

They're- contraction of they are.

I have yet to see you use Seem in a sentence. Every single time you use Seam and unless you're talking about sewing, you always get it wrong.

A SEAM is a line along which two pieces of fabric are sewn together in a garment or other article.

Seem is giving the impression or sensation of being something or having a particular quality.

Please keep in mind that I am only giving you the definitions of the two homophones you abused the most and there are many more that you have messed up throughout your story.

The only other grammatical issue is all of the spelling mistakes that pepper this story. You are constantly leaving out letters in words and that makes it very difficult to both read and comprehend.

Using a basic spelling and grammar check such as the one in Microsoft Word or even an online one would catch many of your spelling and grammar mistakes. If that is unavailable to you just the practice of going back through your chapter and reading it aloud to yourself before you post will help you catch more of the spelling issues.

I would also suggest finding a new editor, preferably one who understands what a homophone is.

Like I said at the very beginning, I do not dislike your story. On the contrary, I really enjoyed reading it once I got around the issues mentioned above. Please don't take this review as a flame because it is meant as constructive criticism and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions!

Please begin posting the sequel soon! I am looking forward to finding out how Aryan copes with becoming a Vampire and how she makes Jacob pay for turning her.

P.S. In the summary of Twisting Time (your story) you wrote seam when you should have written seem. It's that homophone thing again. I just thought I'd mention it...
4/18/2007 c18 6Rogue-writer-16
Hiya, don't know if I've reviewed this already but i know i've read this chapter before, it's still awesome. When is the sequel coming? I can't wait, i really want to see what happens, it's a great story. I have to ask, is there ever going to be anything romantical between Jacob and Aryan? It just seems like there's something there, you know? Any way, great story.


4/1/2007 c18 7xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Omg! I can't believe that happened. *sniff sniff* Poor Aryan.

It was really good though. I totally enjoyed it. ^_^
3/23/2007 c4 3The Celtic Bard
Likey most definitely. There're some misspellings and a few akward sentences, but that's only to be expected since nothing can be absolutely perfect. Very much with the likey.
3/15/2007 c17 7xoxstorii-gurrlxox
O...nice twist. Lol. Its good..update soon!
2/6/2007 c1 6HushedSirens
I likey! This is very interesting. I'll read some more after I finish with this review.

I like your writing style, Aryan's point of view is like, I don't know, really, I guess I could call it unique. The way she writed in her "Stupid Writing Book That I Don't Even Want" she seems detatched in a way.

I also like the name Aryan, reminds me of Arya in the book Eragon (fantastic read by the way!) Even though I have only read the first chapter, it was a great start and it seems to have captured my attention. Always a plus ^.^. I look forward to reading more!

Thanks for reviewing my story, it was appreciated muchly.

~ixdreamxofxdeath (Jenny)
1/26/2007 c15 7xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Haha. Verii niice chapter. Febuaray is in like 6 daiiz. Yay! Hehe. Update as soon as yu can..and hope yu did good on yur tests. My fingers are crossed!
1/26/2007 c14 xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Nice chapter. Had a feeling she was going to hurt her ankle again. Haha. Anywho, I am glad you are making a sequel to this. Hehe. If you didn't I probably would have died. Lol.

1/21/2007 c14 Counting Petals
You do mix up "seem" and "seam", though. I keep noticing that and forgetting to mention it. Other than that, good chapter!
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