for Justified Homicide1/13/2007 c13 
7xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Very good chapter, I must say. That John character is happy lots, haha, but its good. Update soon, and tell yur friend I saii Happy Birthdaii! ^_^
XxTaylorXx
7xoxstorii-gurrlxoxVery good chapter, I must say. That John character is happy lots, haha, but its good. Update soon, and tell yur friend I saii Happy Birthdaii! ^_^
XxTaylorXx
1/13/2007 c1 25tornangelwings
this is really amazing, i love the detail. it would be really cool to see this john kid turn out to be a creep and jacob kicks his a...i mean butt, cause he tries to hurt Aryan. then jacob falls in love which is forbidden, ok yadadada im done sorry about that.
25tornangelwingsthis is really amazing, i love the detail. it would be really cool to see this john kid turn out to be a creep and jacob kicks his a...i mean butt, cause he tries to hurt Aryan. then jacob falls in love which is forbidden, ok yadadada im done sorry about that.
1/13/2007 c13 Counting Petals
Ugh. Overly-energetic people bug me, especially that early in the morning. I'd be ready to attack someone, too.
Ugh. Overly-energetic people bug me, especially that early in the morning. I'd be ready to attack someone, too.
1/11/2007 c12 7xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Wow, I think this is one of your longest chapters. Hehe. Anyway, it was ok, kinda boring; but hey nothing to worry about! Chapters have to be boring in order to be good. ^_^ Lol Update soon.
XxTaylorXx
7xoxstorii-gurrlxoxWow, I think this is one of your longest chapters. Hehe. Anyway, it was ok, kinda boring; but hey nothing to worry about! Chapters have to be boring in order to be good. ^_^ Lol Update soon.
XxTaylorXx
1/11/2007 c12 Counting Petals
I wish my parents would punish me like that. Hmm, wonder who the smooth voice belongs to?
I wish my parents would punish me like that. Hmm, wonder who the smooth voice belongs to?
1/7/2007 c11 xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Awesome chapter. Jacob sounds really awesome ^^. Hehe. Update soon!
XxTaylorXx
Awesome chapter. Jacob sounds really awesome ^^. Hehe. Update soon!
XxTaylorXx
12/12/2006 c8 xoxstorii-gurrlxox
O..things were heating up in this chapter. Hehe. Hope you update soon.
XxTaylorXx
O..things were heating up in this chapter. Hehe. Hope you update soon.
XxTaylorXx
12/12/2006 c7 xoxstorii-gurrlxox
Nice chapter. I for one don't like Jacob, haha and I love what you did with the whole thing of Aryan like talking to her "diary" like it was person. I find it quite amusing.
XxTaylorXx
Nice chapter. I for one don't like Jacob, haha and I love what you did with the whole thing of Aryan like talking to her "diary" like it was person. I find it quite amusing.
XxTaylorXx
12/11/2006 c5 5anti-climax
interesting story. Aryan's an unique name and she's got spunk. =). Nice. And a sarcastic mouth, which is always fine by me.
Well, I've seen quite a fair bit of spelling errors here and there, but other than that, nothing much else to add.
5anti-climaxinteresting story. Aryan's an unique name and she's got spunk. =). Nice. And a sarcastic mouth, which is always fine by me.
Well, I've seen quite a fair bit of spelling errors here and there, but other than that, nothing much else to add.
12/1/2006 c3 6believe-in-futures
Chapter 2 through 7 (Apologies for the length)
More errors with "their" also "eyebrow's" where it should be "eyebrows"
barley is a type of grain :) (barely) "only barley covered your tracks on it!"
"reveling" (chpt 5) should be "revealing"
You say "were" often when it should be "we're"
"meet the others shale we" shall not shale
Little nitpicky things but hopefully they will help.
She likes to stick her tongue out at the detective? She is four? Sorry that one seems painfully juvenile. Maybe flipping him the bird when he isn't looking would be more fitting with her age range and personality.
Your dialogue is very good. You do a good job of keeping the speech patterns of Smith and Aryan separate, their personalities both come through strongly in the dialogue.
"That was the fifth turn this year, the eleventh if you added the two previous years. The strange part, not one had been bit by a vampire and all the non-bitten burners were V negative and seventeen." (chpt 4) I don't understand this sentence at all.
And another that I don't understand: "“I’ll play fare you!” Mary Clarence snarled."
Why does everyone have uber Catholic names except for Aryan and Cassie?
I assume the explanation will come sooner or later but why exactly are they sending 15 and 17 year old girls out to chase around vampires?
I like her interaction with the rookies. It's funny and is a good way to break the tension a little bit.
Aw look angsty teenage romance between a hunter and a vampire.
Aryan needs to grow up just as much as anyone else. I hope one of your characters gives her a good slap herself. Note: that isn't a critism I think that trait makes her a much more balanced character.
Cheers on the story. It's got a lot of promise. Good luck with it.
6believe-in-futuresChapter 2 through 7 (Apologies for the length)
More errors with "their" also "eyebrow's" where it should be "eyebrows"
barley is a type of grain :) (barely) "only barley covered your tracks on it!"
"reveling" (chpt 5) should be "revealing"
You say "were" often when it should be "we're"
"meet the others shale we" shall not shale
Little nitpicky things but hopefully they will help.
She likes to stick her tongue out at the detective? She is four? Sorry that one seems painfully juvenile. Maybe flipping him the bird when he isn't looking would be more fitting with her age range and personality.
Your dialogue is very good. You do a good job of keeping the speech patterns of Smith and Aryan separate, their personalities both come through strongly in the dialogue.
"That was the fifth turn this year, the eleventh if you added the two previous years. The strange part, not one had been bit by a vampire and all the non-bitten burners were V negative and seventeen." (chpt 4) I don't understand this sentence at all.
And another that I don't understand: "“I’ll play fare you!” Mary Clarence snarled."
Why does everyone have uber Catholic names except for Aryan and Cassie?
I assume the explanation will come sooner or later but why exactly are they sending 15 and 17 year old girls out to chase around vampires?
I like her interaction with the rookies. It's funny and is a good way to break the tension a little bit.
Aw look angsty teenage romance between a hunter and a vampire.
Aryan needs to grow up just as much as anyone else. I hope one of your characters gives her a good slap herself. Note: that isn't a critism I think that trait makes her a much more balanced character.
Cheers on the story. It's got a lot of promise. Good luck with it.
12/1/2006 c1 believe-in-futures
Aryan? As in the northern European "master race"?
Gramatically errors:
Fraise = phrase (you mentioned 'Smith's catch fraise')
A few errors with "their" (hid all my vampire equipment in their)
Some of the rambling in the journal is painful. It all contributes to the character so it's excusable in this case but maybe a little bit of editing would help. Also look into the meaning of 'irony'
Ok plot as it is set out in chapter one:
A fifteen year old wants to wait until her guardian arrives before being questioned by the cops and the cop is getting angry? Legally he can't ask her anything until the guardian gets there or an advocate from child services arrives. (In general I suppose those laws change from state to state and country to country)
You'd think she'd be excellent at keeping secrets and she's sitting in an interrogation room spilling her guts and life story into a journal? What if someone showed up and looked over her shoulder?
On to the good stuff:
The character comes across very well in the journal entry and her persona carries over into the dialogue with the cop as well. You've obviously built a very interesting vampire mythology here and I'm interested in where you are going to take it.
Aryan? As in the northern European "master race"?
Gramatically errors:
Fraise = phrase (you mentioned 'Smith's catch fraise')
A few errors with "their" (hid all my vampire equipment in their)
Some of the rambling in the journal is painful. It all contributes to the character so it's excusable in this case but maybe a little bit of editing would help. Also look into the meaning of 'irony'
Ok plot as it is set out in chapter one:
A fifteen year old wants to wait until her guardian arrives before being questioned by the cops and the cop is getting angry? Legally he can't ask her anything until the guardian gets there or an advocate from child services arrives. (In general I suppose those laws change from state to state and country to country)
You'd think she'd be excellent at keeping secrets and she's sitting in an interrogation room spilling her guts and life story into a journal? What if someone showed up and looked over her shoulder?
On to the good stuff:
The character comes across very well in the journal entry and her persona carries over into the dialogue with the cop as well. You've obviously built a very interesting vampire mythology here and I'm interested in where you are going to take it.
11/29/2006 c6 Flutterby
Please hurry with the next chapter. I really want to find out what happens! I'm loving the story so far.
Please hurry with the next chapter. I really want to find out what happens! I'm loving the story so far.