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for Stories of Cernon

4/21/2007 c1 person is gone
The whole Clan Bird and wing idea I like... but you describe something to do with wings in every beginning paragraph, and it's a bit much. Referring back to them every so often is a good reminder (you do that later, and it flows wonderfully) and is interesting, but every paragraph gets a bit tiring.

I love this paragraph: "The old moss covered pillars he had played around as a child still stood, ignorant to the dozens of revolutions that had occurred, oblivious to all the kingdoms that had fallen."

To be honest, at this moment I'm still confused over whether the Birds are men with wings or simply large birds... since a man just appeared, I'll guess they're the former.

“I can always hope, my Lord.”

I like how you've developed Nassau's character ^^ He doesn't jump from one thing to the other and yet he isn't just passive either - he's very believable.

The description of the city is really good, you've brought a feeling and an interesting aura into something lifeless!

"...till he was afraid he might break his own mouth bones."

Jaw bones?

The part at the end is fascination, even though I have no idea who the man with the scarlet wings is or why he's there (haha). Overall, I think this is really well-written, you definitely have a lot of talent! And once you got to the ruins, I think the whole story just set into flight and the world you've created appeared. Awesome =)

Moon's Poetess
2/11/2007 c3 9Alteng
The comment about Hunter and the Behemoths would have been best speculated a little later in the chapter, when Herne tells Mouflon about the messenger's claim that he would succeed where others failed.

I like the choice of your name on Herne. Cute. I don't know the origins of Mouflon, but I do get Herne.

This would be a good chapter to work into Behemoth. It does give a rounded look at Clan Feline.
2/11/2007 c2 Alteng
Just a curious thought in this story. If Soth and the bird Lord meet every so often in this place, why? Surely, it is not to discuss a fight with a bird clan. The untouched picnic, maybe? This is odd.

The personality of bird is indeed interesting in this. Nothing seems to be important for long for them. In a way, it is nice, but that would mean by the time that Soth and the new bird lord met, the squabble with the tribe would be over again.

I kind of figured that Soth would recognoize this place. He is that Phoenix guy Alban, and he's been around for a long while. It is funny how memories will continue to haunt.

These stories would be hard to do without the wings, as you have suggested in Behemoth. After all, Soth's mismatched wings are his trademark.
2/7/2007 c3 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, I can say that this is an interesting chapter. At least, from here, I can see some form of political intrigue. Something which I won't be able to do... just one issue I have here is that maybe you can shift this part into Behemoth since it takes place in relationship with that story. In this way, the story can flow better IMO. Of course this is only a suggestion. Whether you want to do that or not is up to you... anyway, have to go for now. My sis is impatient for the computer and I'll have to let her have it for now. Bye! ^^
1/26/2007 c2 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Ok, I admit that Soth is a deep guy to say the least. I really like the way you portrayed him to be someone bearing his own guilt and maybe more than he should carry. One thing I don't really understand that since he knew about what he was doing, why did he regret doing it afterwards? It's as if he's some sort of paradox unless there's a reason behind it. And speaking of reason, I believe you will come up with an explanation since it's your world and story. I really don't know about this... maybe I've missed out something in the past in the form of the Phoenix story. Anyway, I'll be interested to see what you have in store for Soth's past and what made him into the man he is now. But then again, I may have read that part in the Phoenix. I don't know since the only part I've remembered is Alban Rekkus taking Soth's identity. Anyway, from what I've seen in this story, I truly believe that Alban had been there right from the start. Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, glad to review you again... and yeah, one thing I'll have to say for the next chapter of COA is that I'm planning to implement something that you've said in a previous chapter after some thought. I won't spoil it for you though although I don't know whether that can be done by the next chapter given my sucky planning skills... :S
1/25/2007 c2 12Lccorp2

Well, let's see.

-Main typos are still grammatical, missing fullstops, commas and the such.

-"The servant Marlon bowed of the chamber, flapping his wings for momentum and running as fast as his old legs..."

This is a little hard to visualize. If he's flapping his wings, most of the way humanoid aivans' wings are portrayed in order such that they push air down or in front of them, which would make sense since they'd be facing the ground when flying. However, he is running forward, flapping his wings would make him go backward...


-"By the time his joyous flight had ended, the replacement horses were saddled and the chauffer was ready to be on his way."

Are horses and land transport common? Why so, when they can fly? You made a comment on these lines about roads when I was writing EoE...

-"The man red wings shed his clothing"

No further comments needed.
12/20/2006 c1 9Alteng
having read your other story, this makes a lot of sense. I am not much of a poet, but this seems like it would work well as a song . . . a ballad indeed for a most prominent character.
11/19/2006 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Ok, first things first I'll have to say is that maybe you should put this under poetry instead of fiction due to the style of portrayal here. That being said though, I do find this poem interesting as in it may have some link to the Behemoth main story. I remember Soth Maore is Alban Rekkus in reality from what I can remember in the Phoenix. I don't know whether you'll change this concept of your story, but definitely one thing for sure is that Soth wasn't a simple guy and I assumed that this won't change in the main story if you decided to put him in. Anyway, I guess I'll have to go now since it's 3+ in the morning now
11/17/2006 c1 7Windswept Wanderer
Wow, amazing poem. I like the way you make a story out of creative poetry methods. I will deem you a bard of old. Great job.

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