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for Fight Exercise Two

6/30/2008 c1 20Twilight Starr
Great job at description. Good fight scene. Nice work. Keep writing!

Good luck with writing, this story, and life. Have a wonderful summer and a brilliant day.

~Twilight Starr~
6/17/2007 c1 5brittle hearts
Nicely written.
11/27/2006 c1 7Charming Dice
I have mixed feelings about this. It was well written and full of description, but it wasn't very exciting.

I liked the fact that the outcome of the battle was uncertain, since both characters had the upper hand more than once. That made me interested enough to read this to the end. Also, your character's techniques were woven into the battle well. That was good.

What I didn't like, however, is the way you started the story. The first paragraph is supposed to grab the reader, and yours didn't. I almost stopped reading when you started out with character description. Since this was only a fight exercise, I decided to give it a chance. In the future, though, I really would suggest that you give the readers a reason to care about your character first, then describe him as the story goes.

Another thing that caught my eye was not only how much description you used, but what you did and didn't describe. While you showed every attack, you sometimes failed to show the results of those blows. Also, you didn't always show things clearly. Here's an example from your story:

'As he fell, he saw Gaius running up; Gaius swung his leg up and brought it down at Monev’s head. Monev grabbed the leg two-handed and yanked it; with no footing, Gaius merely flailed around from the captured leg. Monev adjusted his grip a little and began to spin. Faster, faster, until Gaius was going to slip from his grip.'

Now I have a few questions and comments on this.

1. 'As he fell, he saw Gaius running up.' Did Monev fall onto his chest or back? The two positions would have different effects on his fighting ability. On his back, he'd have a harder time grabbing someone's leg. You should've added this info.

2. 'Gaius merely flailed around from the captured leg.' This is worded oddly. I'm not sure how he flailed around from the leg. That doesn't make much sense.

3. 'Monev adjusted his grip a little and began to spin.' How did he spin while on the ground, holding a powerful leg? You didn't make this clear at all, and it doesn't seem logical.

4. 'Faster, faster, until Gaius was going to slip from his grip.' If Monev spun around rapidly while gripping Gaius' leg, wouldn't that either twist Gaius' leg enough to injure him, or spin him around completely? And if it didn't do either of these, then what was the spinning for?

I won't waste your time by going over every paragraph. Issues like the ones I've pointed out appear throughout the story. They're not too damaging, but they keep this piece from being great. You chose to describe nearly every movement of the characters and you did a fine job of it, but it hurts the story when you suddenly skip over important details.

Overall, you did a good job with this. Its still one of the better action scenes I've seen on this site. I hope I've helped in some way.
11/21/2006 c1 JaveHarron
Gaius sure got the point there.
11/20/2006 c1 9Otseis Ragnarok
I love this fight! A fight doesn't need a sense of speed to be great and you proved it. (That's meant to be a compliment)
11/19/2006 c1 8Nazarene
Great detail. You write like someone who knows kung-fu.

“You forgot, I’m also the one who’s about to kick your ass, demon!”

Greatest kung-fu line ever.

However, the extreme amount of detail gets in the way of the narrative. This story is suffering from Dragon Ball Z syndrome. Still its kick ass and uncompromising.
11/19/2006 c1 16Long Island Iced Tea
This is good but sort of...gross if you get my meaning. Not gross in eck-this-is-hell-fire but gross as in I-never-want-to-see-this but I can read it. And helpful too for any future fight scenes I might write.

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