Just In
for Fonda

2/26/2009 c1 3Morbid Morsels
Once again, I find myself intrigued by your stories. Your writings have such an interesting beginning that one can't help but to be pulled in! I'm very glad I started this! And, once again, your writing amazes me.
8/8/2007 c8 13Dark Sploosh
There's no way this story's complete. It didn't even end. Maybe you accidentally switched it over to complete status and didn't realize it, but after everything I read, there's no possible way that's the end.

Like, nothing happened...and I'm still horrendously confused...and Johnny's still being an annoying little man-slut who trying to bang every girl he meets...WHAT THE HELL MAN?

Sorry if this looks like I hate the story or anything, I don't. It's just...this isn't really the end, is it? IS IT?
6/29/2007 c6 2Guu Brick
Dude. I'm fucking speechless. I just finished read chapters 4-6 in a row. You're not talented...you're godly! The action is really intense. It's really action packed. Johnny can be a real fucking commando when it comes to battles like the one in this chapter. I also like the way you made him use a G36C with a 100-round double drum magazine. Now that was hawt. lol Sorry, I just thought that part was especially cool. I'm gonna do my best to read chapters 7 and 8. Keep up the good work Caradine.
4/29/2007 c2 1Steven Hildreth Jr
Okay, so, reading through chapter two, you've got my interest. I'm wondering what the fuck a bunch of kids are doing with a various assortment of guns, who Violette is, and why is Elise so quick to jump Johnny's bones in the middle of a crisis. But I'm only two chapters in and this story is complete, so I'm pretty sure you'll answer all these questions. But making me ask them is definitely a good start-it's kept me reading.

Things that concern me/should be noted:

- So much sensuality between Johnny and Elise, especially in the wake of Violette's death. I'm gonna have faith and trust that you've justified this in later chapters, but this could be a place where your story takes a hit.

- Gun stuff: I think I knew which gun Elise was carrying, and I'm almost certain the proper name would just be AKMS. Also, the XD series of pistols are similiar to Glocks in that they don't have safties and they have internal hammers, so the only way to cock it is to chamber a round, and if there's already a round in the chamber, you're wasting rounds.

But so far, you've got my interest. Let's read further.
4/24/2007 c1 2Guu Brick
Holy crap Carradine. This is what I'm talking about. Murderous university kids, that's crazy. (Even though I do NOT support the shooting at VT). Keep it up man. I love it.
3/1/2007 c2 27Typewriter King
“He was too nervous around the new people to enjoy his jokes worked.”


“Her burst open an awful lot like Violette’s had earlier…”

What? I found it hard to at first get immersed in first half of this story because of these strange sentences.
2/27/2007 c6 13Dark Sploosh
This is my favorite chapter yet. I liked how Johnny showed remorse for fucking up and not saving those kids, and even feeling bad for killing the Marko guys. The action was awesome, and the character interaction was nicely done. I guess I only have two problems with this story as of now.

A. WTF is going on at this school? Honestly, I REALLY want to know why it's crawling with armed guards and soldiers and whatnot, why there's guns and ammo everywhere, and why the students at the school are expert gunfighters. I hope this gets explained soon.

B. Johnny is a freakin' pimp. And not in the good way. Practically every girl in this story, even ones without names, are all trying to get in his pants, and it's a tad annoying. I'd be able to tolerate it if maybe he felt bad about it because he already claimed to love that girl from the first couple of chapters. But he just either flirts back or doesn't care. Have a girl or two who hates his guts, or at least doesn't get turned on by the sight of him.'

These criticisms aside, I do like this story, and I want to see it finished so I can figure out what's going on. BTW, if you've ever played Dead Rising on X360, this story feels a lot to me like Dead Rising, but in a school instead of a mall, and with soldiers/terrorists/gangsters/whatever instead of zombies. Pretty damn cool.
2/13/2007 c2 6MrFlames
"I don't see why you're so concerned with caring about the characters. Is that all the story has to be about?"

Absolutely not. A story can very easily be about hating the main characters. However, that is an incredibly gambit to take, and not really the one I thought you were going for. To provoke any sort of response I book as a success-after all, one has to keep reading to hate something. Your sentence structure was snappy and that's good. But it has its drawbacks.

"How do I make "you" care? How didn't I already? Do you mean

that I didn't because I didn't give backstory?"

Backstory smackstory. What you lacked was foreplay. That woman was turned on incredibly quickly and their spooning seemed incredibly abrupt. That's not a bad thing, it just makes it read like a porn. (Classy porn, mind you, but porn nonetheless). What you've done is maybe what you sought out to do-you've made your main character a character that, within hours (minutes?) of having his (old girlfriend?) killed, he's spooning another dame. I mean, that says something. I for one find that detestable, but as I said, maybe that's what you were going for. Or maybe he's just a hippie into the whole loose relationships thing.

"I'm not really going for anything with the picaresque "some schmuck like that gives the audience the impression" thing, I'm kinda just doing that. Why do you treat that like I'm trying for something?"

What? ... what? What? Ow.

"What I mean is that I'm just writing to write and needless to say making it up as I go. Did you not get that impression?"

Whether you're making it up as you go or planning at incredible depth, you are nonetheless conveying information with plot and characters, and as such anyone who reads is likely to be affected by said plot and characters. The amount of effort you put into writing has absolutely nothing to do with how well you convey the story. In other words, I review things on fictionpress essentially the same way I review Joyce or Browning. Maybe that's wrong. Most authors seem to be after "omg lolz!" as a response. I don't do that unless I am being facetious.

"Can the story have nothing to do with how little of its prestory I'm presenting?"

I might have been misleading when I talked about the backstory. What I'm really saying is that in the first chapter, your protagonist is unredeemed. He seems like an emotionless egotistical wasteland. But then this is what the reader is reading into it-supposing he actually did care about the girl that died, and isn't some sort of nymphomaniac.

"The spooning's so we see where Johnny comes from. I've wanted to cut it since I wrote it but didn't think I should."

What you cut is completely up to you. It provoked an emotional response; for me, that is a success. It provoked a negative emotional response. Perhaps, for you, that is a failure. What you value is completely up to you.

"What do the weapons matter?"

Just a personal pet peeve. I suppose it's an expectation of your target audience for that to be in there. I always find it to be an excuse for lazy description, though.
2/10/2007 c1 MrFlames
This story elicited an interesting array of reactions from me. My first reaction, based on your "frame" ("In which Johnny Fonda is reborn"... and "10:34 a.m...") was that you really, really wanted to be Pynchon, or some schmuck like that gives the audience the impression, "Oh, I expect you to already know who these characters are and what's going on... or if not, pretend that you do so that I don't have to explain anything".

Then I read your first two paragraphs, and was genuinely entertained. It seemed like a genuinely intense series of events were going down in an otherwise peaceful location.

But then, but then... you go directly to the couch, have a lengthy conversation about spooning and such, and by chapter 2 you still don't have any f'n clue what's going on. Okay. Sure.

In a line: you had me and you lost me. Certainly you shouldn't explain everything that's going on in the first chapter, but christ, don't just give me spooning between two characters I don't know and don't care about. It wasn't just soppy, it was sloppy. What the hell is with these gangs, why are they having some sort of ridiculous war in a university, and why should I give a damn about Johnny Fonda? If you don't at least hint at the answers to these questions in the first chapter, you're going to lose them.

Also, weapon titles are nice, but weapon titles in lieu of other description is just annoying. Don't make your audience do a google image search for the specific brand of weapon you're referring to.

All in all, I found myself hating these two characters at the end of the first chapter. Maybe that's what you were going for. If so, congratulations.
12/29/2006 c3 2Bryan1111
nice story...kinda unrealistic though...especially how Johnny and Elise get together just like that and with no history behind them of bein friends or anything like that
12/12/2006 c1 6Sir Maximus
I just finished the first chapter, and I have to say this is one of my favorite stories. Intresting set-up (especially the first paragrpah) and great characters. To put it bluntly, I love it and want more.
12/12/2006 c3 13Dark Sploosh
Another great chapter! Lisa is a complete whore...
12/4/2006 c1 70Bob Evans
This was...intersting. Kinda jumped into the middle of the story, did we? Well, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. The writing style was good, but plot is another thing. I guess only time will tell...

~Bob Evans
12/1/2006 c2 13Dark Sploosh
Excellent. I hope you keep writing, for a few reasons:

A. It's really, really good.

B. I want to find out what's going on here! Why are these kids expert soldiers, and who're are they fighting against, and why?

C. There's gotta be some reason Johnny and Elise fell in love so damn fast...

Please keep writing. Oh yeah, I updated City of Sorrow again in case you were wondering.
11/26/2006 c1 Dark Sploosh
Holy shit. Carradine, I salute you. This...this is awesome. You MUST continue and finish this. Especially since I have no idea what the heck is going on and want to find out! PLEASE keep writing, this kicks ass!

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