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10/1/2008 c4 Souvenir
Wow. Where to start. There were so many things I liked about this chapter. I like how you've moved through the titles from clothes, to an accessory, to an eye color. I wasn't expecting it, and the effect was tremendous-I could picture Tobias quite clearly in my head, his apathy and ego were great. I think his character was established well, with some poignant and well-chosen phrases, my favorite of which I think was "with his innate sense of theatrics..." yeah. That was awesome. I believed the entire scene, and the ambiguous reference to his "beginning" has made me curious.
10/1/2008 c3 Souvenir
I liked your introduction of Vivian. Different narrative style from the first chapter, which is good.
10/1/2008 c2 Souvenir
Really nice first chapter. I particularly like how you manipulate the reader-referring to him as only a boy, but assuring us that he is more; which the scene in the alley with the gun confirms-and then he goes home to his mother, and we find that the gun is fake, etc, and the whole bizarre scenario is very nicely cemented by the closing lines. Those are terrific.
10/1/2008 c1 Souvenir
I like the set up of the forward. I think it could be taken as redundant-not in its language, but in its tone-and you've got "chosen simple because" instead of "chosen simply because."

Overall I think you should stick with it, but maybe edit it a little? I do like what it's saying.
8/26/2008 c2 2xo soitgoes
Just wanted to say that I like the way you write. It's a refreshing difference from the literature I see most every where else, plus you've got a way with describing things.

...That's about all, aha.

8/3/2008 c5 9TuneOut
I read half of your story so far and I have to say, all of the characters seem the same. Perhaps I'm not reading carefully enough but it seems like there aren't enough distinguishing features between the characters. I think that you could also elaborate in your writing. I think showing some scenes rather than telling would be better.
6/17/2008 c10 29Rynx-too-genki
Nice chapter!
4/27/2008 c9 VirginiaVortex
ARG! Goodness, that was a short chapter, but it was good nonetheless. The last line cracked me up.
3/22/2008 c8 103Jesse the Storyteller
“New students are to report in the main hall!” a bodiless voice shouted above the loud conversations. Although no one knew, it was Principal Lewis, from the ... from the what, from the WHAT! hahaha... the end of your sentence got lost there, my friend.

"What she was really afraid of was waking up screaming again."
3/22/2008 c7 Jesse the Storyteller
Confusing sentence: " but I’ll ask you again because since then I’ve met him" are you implying that he's read the guy's brain? It's confusing.

Ewful sentence: "Acting as though nothing could prove him wrong was his habit."

I know you're trying to be vague and mysterious, but the things that they say could use a little bit of clarifying. Really. Mystery isn't really that great in a story that just recently grabbed my attention, it makes me get frustrated. Mystery is good once the reader is already in love with the story and the characters and you have no risk of losing them. Otherwise, if it happens like this at the beginning, they're like "Um WHAT?" haha.

Also you should really go back through your story and check out spelling and grammar. I figure you don't want me nitpicking all of that... but yeah. It would be a good idea.

". In between, they met many more times, but rarely for crucial occasions such as these." ... huh? I think a sentence got deleted.

This is a bad chapter, honestly. I don't understand it... it's like maybe you're covering a YEAR of time and mashing it all into this one chapter? No no no. This chapter is so much less important than if you actually showed us these things happening. Hearing about them is not HALF as interesting as actually SEEING them. Plus, the mystery... oh this story could be so good if you took it slowly and didn't try to rush past all of this - show them actually being trained individually and all this, and then put these meetings in sporadically so that we're so INTERESTED in the characters that we WANT to know that their teachers are saying about them. The way it is now, it's like... I dunno. I was bored and confused quickly and yeah. It seems like you tried to skip over the middle of your story or something.

Hmm.. Yes. Bad chapter. Really bad. You even skipped over the plan and all that... you tell us "They all debated" but you don't SHOW us their debate. As a writer, you are painting a story for us. You are showing us all the scenes and the characters and letting us make inferences about it. You are writing a movie for us to picture in our minds. Not dictating facts. Nobody wants to listen to facts about a situation that happened, they want to actually see it!

3/22/2008 c6 Jesse the Storyteller
I know you are trying to REALLY play up his elitist mentality, but I'd advise backing down. With him, I'm beginning to agree, that it fits him (even though I hate him). But... people who, as you put it, "to analyze, to corrupt..." don't do it consciously. People who manipulate others with their selfishness and conceit don't do it because they are thinking about "If I say this and do this then he will do this and blah dee blah". It's a sub-conscious manipulation that they have learned since birth. Sometimes they don't even realize they're being so selfish or are actually manipulating people. It's not realistic.

If he just did it in quotes instead of having to describe the hows and whys about it without the quotes... it would be fine. THings like this, though... "It was his favorite joke, threatening them with Immigration, because even if they were legal, he knew how to get them thrown out." and "Though quite tall, the awkward man looked like a pushover, someone easily manipulated and exploited. What’s more, he seemed like he had a featureless and uninteresting personality." ... they just make me roll my eyes like "oh yeah sure like he just sits there and thinks this while he's looking at this guy." No he doesn't hahahaha. who does that in any sort of situation? When you see someone who appears friendly do you think "This person seems like a nice person, the kind of person who is friendly and who will smile as I walk by. In fact, they're smiling now. I often enjoy waving at these kinds of people because they always make me feel good inside." If you do that, well... I'm sorry. Seek help. But most people don't. :P

I also really like how, though you aren't actually saying "the girl thinks this and the guy thinks this", the transition between quotes and thought-filled narrative is nice. I get a feel for their different perosnalities without you bludgeoning me over the head with it - it's very good. Skillful and artful.

3/22/2008 c5 Jesse the Storyteller
The repetition of the last lines is ... unneccessary (as is my bad spelling).. at least I think so. It begins to get sort of annoying. We can TELL how they're connected... :)

I still like the girl more than the other two - she talks about her feelings and thoughts more. I think she should have had a little different reaction to being told that there were more of her - she took it way too well. She's got the cliche "I'm only fourteen but yet I got everything undercontrol and tha tmakes me cool and better than you" thing going with her whole like "I've been through this foster routine so many times that I don't need to be excited or surprised or anything." She needs more insecurity. They all do. They're only teenagers... I don't know how old you are, but I know when I was 13-14 I was so insecure about like EVERYTHING. If I had some kind of power and had also been torn away from homes and put in other ones, I wouldn't have an elitist mentality about anything... I'd be broken and wondering what was wrong with me and not judging the other people who had had me in their homes but thinking instead how I could have done things differently... I wouldn't be nonchalantly taking in these two strange people who know too much about me and just la-dee-dah going on with my life... it wouldn't be that way. It's not realistic.

3/22/2008 c4 Jesse the Storyteller
Wow.. hmm. I wish you could describe more of the mass, mostly because I've never been to one and have always been curious.

I still see him as a creepy Damien child.

But... halfway in the middle of that story I stopped reading as a critical reviewer and started reading because I was interested. I think this is the first time this has happened to me on fictionpress. :D Congratulations!

I wish you described things better... not only because it woud make the story better, but simply because I'm interested. What do people look like? What is the room like? What are the characters feeling? If you made it come alive a little more it would hold our attention even better...

Hahaha I'm not lying to you, I actually like this story. Which is rare for me and stories on this website (we don't get along).

3/22/2008 c3 Jesse the Storyteller
Yeah. I'm not even halfway through this chapter and am writing this review... I hate this kid already and if that wasn't your intent than change something fast!

Also, this ... part ... of the story makes no sense due to grammar that makes no sense haha:

"Unfortunately, he had learned at a younger age than most that one could rarely get what they wanted. In his case,

his anomaly was his only tare, ruining this day as well as his life.

The boy with green eyes couldn’t explain to himself. When he was younger, it took it from granted. Now, he had come to seen as a mark of his gift, as well as his uniqueness."

This part... ewgh.: He wasn’t like the other children on the playground, even though it had been years since he had stepped on one. His classmates were so juvenile and unimportant, still preoccupied by things he had figured out and cast away years ago. Naturally, he thought he was better than they were, like a god amongst ants. Which he was, after all.

Okay.. you told me that you were afraid you were becoming cliche - HERE you are definitely becoming cliche. The cliche is this: "Young kid looks with disdain upon his peers because they are so 'juvenile' and interested in petty things that do not really matter, but our hero here actually KNOWS what is important due to some kind of super power or just uniqueness that makes them cool." ... eh. You could read 10 stories like that on fictionpress (seriously, go for it). But yeah. It's the same thing with the kid in the dark clothes who didn't understand why people were worried about getting wet. It's unrealistic and terribly cliche.

The reason that the girl in the 2nd chapter didn't grate on my nerves like these other two is the fact that she was very honest and realistic... she was concerned about her brother and her life instead of having this aloof elitist view of the people around her like "oh well I'm just cooler than you because I understand things about the world that you don't." Come on, now.

Sorry, reading on.

Spoiled brat is very right. And how old is he supposed to be, anyway? The other two are like pre-teens so I'm assuming that's how old this kid is.

You need to start tying this stuff together real' fast or else it's going to become so confusing and monotonous that it will be hard to concentrate on the rest. It's incredibly intriguing, though... it makes me piece things togeher like did all three die and that's why they can see people dying now? But it needs to start making sense soon... leaving your readers in mysterious limbo for too long and they'll get bored.

Think about it this way - how many times have you just opened a book and read the first few pages and then decided if you were going to read on? If it doesn't capture your interest pretty fast, it loses you. Similar situation. :)

3/22/2008 c2 Jesse the Storyteller
I like the part about the return-to-sender sticker. And the vivid clarity with which she talks about her thoughts. (Or rather you talk about her thoughts but whatever). She seems more real than the boy did, but then again she also talks more (girls often do) about her thoughts and stuff and so the guy seems like this creepy Damien-esque kid walking around the city at night in the rain doing weird stuff that makes no sense, and she seems like what someone honestly would be.

I don't know if coming out and saying like everything about her life right upfront is a really good move... but then again this is the 2nd chapter and you didn't give a whole lot of room for character development with the GUY so maybe you're just flashing through a bunch of stories of people.

Sorry, snap judgements - will stop that.


The last line bugs me still, but less than the first now that I know it's a repeat... but yeah. Still sounds like a bad Disney movie. "To anyone else, she was just an ordinary girl, but REALLY dun dun dun she's a secret spy working with Hannah Montana!" ... sorry. Reading on!

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