for In Search of the Firelily1/23/2007 c2 
19DaCivilWarBear
Much better! Only one complaint: that HUGE paragraph about the OPAR doubtlessly contained important information, but it was a HUGE paragraph. Information like that are like prescription drugs: good, but only in small doses. You know? Break it up a little next time.
Update soon, pwease!
~eyes~
19DaCivilWarBearMuch better! Only one complaint: that HUGE paragraph about the OPAR doubtlessly contained important information, but it was a HUGE paragraph. Information like that are like prescription drugs: good, but only in small doses. You know? Break it up a little next time.
Update soon, pwease!
~eyes~
1/20/2007 c1 1Platinum Patriot
For the most part, it was intriguing. However, it apeared as though you wanted to be descriptive, but just wasn't quite coming across. There were a few things that seemed odd as well- for example:
"Holding his hand up, he pinched air and pulled his hand down, making a sort of twine from his energy, which was white-goldish. He then knelt elegantly, and began to tie the demon up.
Adalyne snorted at his extravagance, then held her arm out with her hand dangling as if she held something dainty, like a handkerchief, and flicked her wrist away from her. A long rope of her energy spun out, and probably would have gone off forever into the distance, had Adalyne not flicked her wrist towards her slightly, bringing it back to her. Having collected her rope, she started tying the man before her up."
Wasn't Firelily's method MORE extravagant?
There only a few other minor problem, but for the most part- you're off to a good start.
1Platinum PatriotFor the most part, it was intriguing. However, it apeared as though you wanted to be descriptive, but just wasn't quite coming across. There were a few things that seemed odd as well- for example:
"Holding his hand up, he pinched air and pulled his hand down, making a sort of twine from his energy, which was white-goldish. He then knelt elegantly, and began to tie the demon up.
Adalyne snorted at his extravagance, then held her arm out with her hand dangling as if she held something dainty, like a handkerchief, and flicked her wrist away from her. A long rope of her energy spun out, and probably would have gone off forever into the distance, had Adalyne not flicked her wrist towards her slightly, bringing it back to her. Having collected her rope, she started tying the man before her up."
Wasn't Firelily's method MORE extravagant?
There only a few other minor problem, but for the most part- you're off to a good start.
12/21/2006 c1 3miss-blackhair
WHOA.
that was an interesting read. very mystical. hmm.. it's like, the coolest piece i've ever read. good luck in writing! :)
3miss-blackhairWHOA.
that was an interesting read. very mystical. hmm.. it's like, the coolest piece i've ever read. good luck in writing! :)
12/15/2006 c1 6cloud-shadows
Hey, it's cloud! I love your story, especially your characters Adalyne (love the name) and Kita. Sadly enough it's only the beginning, so I shall have to wait for the next chapter! Update soon.
6cloud-shadowsHey, it's cloud! I love your story, especially your characters Adalyne (love the name) and Kita. Sadly enough it's only the beginning, so I shall have to wait for the next chapter! Update soon.
12/5/2006 c1 19DaCivilWarBear
It's good so far, but try to add more detail. I mean, "A man appeared behind her, holding a knife, and sliced at her. The woman ducked and stuck her foot, neatly clad in a black slipper, out, swung it around, tripping the man." Sorry, but *yawn*. Keep working on it! Story plots are slippery little devils, aren't they?
~eyes-of-a-hawk
19DaCivilWarBearIt's good so far, but try to add more detail. I mean, "A man appeared behind her, holding a knife, and sliced at her. The woman ducked and stuck her foot, neatly clad in a black slipper, out, swung it around, tripping the man." Sorry, but *yawn*. Keep working on it! Story plots are slippery little devils, aren't they?
~eyes-of-a-hawk