Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Even If I Love Her

1/30/2007 c2 hungrybunny
shorter than the first one. how dissapointing. makes me sad. i'll finish later. (reading the other chapters i mean.) its good. i wish i could be so talented.
1/30/2007 c1 hungrybunny
he is so obsessed. how do you put that longing into your poem? i wish i could do that. i like the title. it fits.
1/8/2007 c6 2sicklysnowwhite
"a scowl fits is face and

he mumbles sourly

“Are you cold?”

sarcastically, mocking."

this is brilliant. a scowl fits his face. perfect. this is from the last chapter. i forgot to mention it.

the ending sucked on this one, sorry. the rest was good, i love his caringness for his sister. and the fact that he confronts the other guy, do we know his name? "Do you love my sister?" thats good. felt very brotherly. ending was really off though.
1/8/2007 c5 sicklysnowwhite
Nothing Will Change. hmm. she was doing fine there for a moment. but then. what faults would she have tht would make her immidiatly assume that he doest love her?

this was better. rather discriptive in all areas, although the girls insecurity slghtly annoys me.
1/8/2007 c4 sicklysnowwhite
this one was a bit like the first. it could have been better. the discription was lacking. it was... okay... the guy is only in the process of figuring it out though, or so it seems by the chapter titles. close, but no cigar. i can only guess that means he hasnt got it yet. hopffully the girl wll give us a bit of a tip off. hmm... i say it could have been better though.
1/8/2007 c3 sicklysnowwhite
this was... better... much better in fact, but the middle lagged a bit. everything was much more discriptive and the brother... was menacing. i like him. the part in the car though was strained. like you were at loss for details. the end was nice though... left you feeling... lost. thats good.
1/8/2007 c2 sicklysnowwhite
hmm... even less discriptive than the first. its kind of monotone, like you dont really care. try to put more feeling into your writing. the last few lines are beautiful though. pinched is such a forceful word. but the whole beginning is very this happened and i'm just telling it to you. i hope that improves.
1/8/2007 c1 sicklysnowwhite
sigh. a man in love. i think it could be a bit more discriptive, but i loved the male point of view. i like how you introduced the characters to us, like in books where you have to sit them in front on a mirror to figure out what they look like. you didn't do that, and i already feel i've met the characters. its not perfect, of course, i think the wording was a little off somewhere in the middle, where he explains why before he hugs her.
1/1/2007 c6 HB667755
Love never makes sense, unfortunately.

I like that this was from her brother's POV. Very interesting.

Update soon!
1/1/2007 c6 The Intelligent Designer
Very narrative. Almost un-poem like, but that's fine. I like the development in the story. Keep going.
1/1/2007 c6 1capriciousguy
Amy... fitting name... i suppose you couldn't just keep calling her 'my sister'. i'm glad you brought the brother into the mix... i wonder what his story is... don't put it in this poem though, he needs the credit of his own story. write more!
12/31/2006 c5 capriciousguy
'the ever spying sky' thats so original! cause we're always looking at the sky what if the sky thinks we're spying! what if it spys back! i want to write something about it, can i?

its amazing how insecure girls can be. 'not wanting music/to follow me into the wallows of despair' good music cant be wasted, its true, but is it more that she doesn't want the music to save her? that if she lets music save her, make her happy, she might believe that he actually likes her? maybe get her heart broken even worse? i love this.
12/31/2006 c4 capriciousguy
i can't wait to read the next one but i have to review first, did she even notice? did maybe mean yes, not no? ga! i want to read the next one! a test a trap a girl. POV makes all the difference!
12/31/2006 c3 capriciousguy
Curious Girl. hmm, i want to here more from her for some strange reason. and the brother. HE seems interesting. he could change everything. poor guy, again. he must feel like a dweeb. (i love that word.)
12/31/2006 c2 capriciousguy
the last bit IS wonderful, truly womderful. makes me like the word pinched. the poor guy though, she laughed! how upsetting. Curious girl. maybe you should give her a bigger role? just a suggestion, maybe you could put her into a later chapter.
26 Page 1 2 Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service