for The Beginning of the End9/7/2008 c13 
47Lady Riss
wow. This is depressing and very very messed up...
Lucy still bugs me too...
lol
47Lady Risswow. This is depressing and very very messed up...
Lucy still bugs me too...
lol
9/7/2008 c11 Lady Riss
Well, wow.
Now, honestly, the mother has to be just as crazy as those two. How the hell are they going to pull this off?
Well, wow.
Now, honestly, the mother has to be just as crazy as those two. How the hell are they going to pull this off?
9/7/2008 c10 Lady Riss
Wow.
Umm, just recheck your spelling. It's 'raped' not rapped and it's 'scared', not scarred... unless you meant scar...
Wow.
Umm, just recheck your spelling. It's 'raped' not rapped and it's 'scared', not scarred... unless you meant scar...
9/2/2008 c9 Lady Riss
So so close...
Can I ask why the doctors didn't ask about old fractures, bruises, and scars?
So so close...
Can I ask why the doctors didn't ask about old fractures, bruises, and scars?
9/2/2008 c5 Lady Riss
Was that a bit of foreshadowing?
Nice. lol
I like Stillson (here, in that chapter. Only)
Was that a bit of foreshadowing?
Nice. lol
I like Stillson (here, in that chapter. Only)
9/2/2008 c4 Lady Riss
I like the part about her missing Halloween. In my mind she sounded geninuenly sad...It made her sound like a kid-No matter how 'tough' she acts.
Good job. :)
I like the part about her missing Halloween. In my mind she sounded geninuenly sad...It made her sound like a kid-No matter how 'tough' she acts.
Good job. :)
9/2/2008 c3 Lady Riss
Goodness, why don't Lucy just not swear. It really isn't that hard.
I understand that it shows she is giving in, and they are winning and yadayadayada... but still.
Lucy, Lucy, Lucy... lol
Oh, I must say, this is quite a violent story ;)
Goodness, why don't Lucy just not swear. It really isn't that hard.
I understand that it shows she is giving in, and they are winning and yadayadayada... but still.
Lucy, Lucy, Lucy... lol
Oh, I must say, this is quite a violent story ;)
7/13/2008 c26 Loved1 logged out
Ahh... I saw the changes you made. I'd like it if you would put up a postlude.
Ahh... I saw the changes you made. I'd like it if you would put up a postlude.
7/30/2007 c6 5Soccer Dude
Okay, for the redux review, I can tell that the first few chapters have been improved. Some plot points make a little more sense and it's become easier to read with better grammar and a variety of sentence structures. There were also some nice details like describing her cell as "cold, like a basement."
But there's still some fundamental problems, like why Rei is taken in for one little fight (and her mom got scared and said "You're movin with- bah, nevermind the Fresh Prince reference.) Instead of inserting a flashback, it would've made more sense to put the incident at the beginning. Cause should come before effect. I skimmed ahead a few more chapters and saw nothing but more violence and plot points that did little but change who's beating up Rei now.
It takes a while to become good at fiction, and I can see from your profile that you've got plenty of ideas. I can see technical improvement, but think about your subject matter, and try to match it with your current skills.
5Soccer DudeOkay, for the redux review, I can tell that the first few chapters have been improved. Some plot points make a little more sense and it's become easier to read with better grammar and a variety of sentence structures. There were also some nice details like describing her cell as "cold, like a basement."
But there's still some fundamental problems, like why Rei is taken in for one little fight (and her mom got scared and said "You're movin with- bah, nevermind the Fresh Prince reference.) Instead of inserting a flashback, it would've made more sense to put the incident at the beginning. Cause should come before effect. I skimmed ahead a few more chapters and saw nothing but more violence and plot points that did little but change who's beating up Rei now.
It takes a while to become good at fiction, and I can see from your profile that you've got plenty of ideas. I can see technical improvement, but think about your subject matter, and try to match it with your current skills.