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1/30/2009 c6 28mikey magee
Nice chapter. Loved the dialog overall. It was great and flowed nicely. Emily seemed like a nice character but she didn't seem very realistic. Almost kind of cliche, maybe you could make her a little more chill.

Again, the pacing was a bit fast. Try and add a little more description. Nothing big, just a little bit.

The characters were great in this chapter, but there wee somethings I didn't understand. Where is this familiarity coming from? Is Jake just naturally friendly? I can see that as a character trait of his but there are limits. And, maybe it's just me, but where did the "Metz" thing come from?

Alot of Samantha and Jake's relationship seems to be left out. I don't know why, but I get the feeling that I missed something important between them. Maybe it's just me.

I loved the ending, it had a nice ring to it. It also set up great building blocks for their relationship. Well done!
1/30/2009 c5 mikey magee
“Clear up that area! I’m not paying you to slack off. Hurry up!” instructed Samantha. Shouldn't that be, "Ms. Chan?"

Even though this chapter was short, I loved it. The characters jumped off the page. You gave Jake a type of subtle movemnt. Something that signaled his feelings for Samantha. Very well done!

Ms. Chan was a surprised. A very nice surprised. The ending of the chapter gave her character so much depth. That look of forlorn and regret made me feel empathy for her.

You don't need too much description in this chapter, just a little to give a good picture of the scenery. I really want to know what the shop looked like. Simple things, like the type of flooring, whether it had windows or not, things like that will help out a lot. Very nice chapter.

I was pleasantly surprised.
1/30/2009 c4 mikey magee
Again, the pacing was fast. When Lynn called, I couldn't really get a got a good sense of who she was. I don't know why the conversation was so short. It didn't seem very realistic. They haven't seen each other in such a long time and when they finally can its, "hey, I'm coming back. See ya!" I didn't really flow too well.

I do love the second part of the chapter. How you showed their close relationship through flashbacks. That was my favorite part. I could really feel for the characters.

And the part with the poem, that's supposed to be emotional. So I think it would give both the poem and the scene more power if you added in scenes of their relationship while Samantha was writing/reading the poem. Like in the first line "Always around when I needed a hand." After that line you could have a line of how they first met or how Lynn was there when Samantha's father died.

Good chapter though.
1/30/2009 c3 mikey magee
I'm beginning to like Jake more now. You did a wonderful job showing his personality and what he thinks about Samantha.

This chapter was short, and it was difficult for me to imagine anything. I think you could of streched things out a little more. Adding in a little bit more.

And some of the things you wrote about didn't make too much sense to me. Like in the third paragraph when the "class quieted down." That didn't make much sense to me because I never got the feeling that the class was loud to begin with.

The dialog, which was good, went by a little bit too fast. Add in some more movement and it'll slow down some. Also, adding in a little more description will help get Samantha's inner feelings out a little better. I have a feeling that this will turn into a romance, and if that's true you should leave a few hints.

Ex: "What do you want?" Samantha asked. She slammed her tray down on the table. She wasn't it any mood to see his face, let alone talk to him.

"I was walking and saw you sitting here alone and decided to sit here and keep you company." He smiled. But, Samantha noticed, it wasn't like his usual smile. The smile that said "I'm so hot." No, it was gentler, warmer. Just like the way her father used to smile.

But that's just my recommendation. I hope it helps. :)
1/30/2009 c2 mikey magee
"Woao, there tiger." change "woao" to "whoa."

Nice chapter. I liked the addition of the new character. What's better is that I liked the dialog of the new student. It seemed very realistic, but I think that it could do with a little more fine tuning. He doesn't seem to me like that interesting of a character. I really want to like him, but as of now, theres nothing for me to care about. But, that'll probably be fixed in later chapters.

Just remember about the "showing not telling" thing. I couldn't really get a clear picture of anything. Just a few descriptions here and there will do the trick no problem! :)

Again, I love the dialog in this chapter. Great work so far.
1/30/2009 c1 mikey magee
I love the concept of the plot. The first chapter was very emotional and you conveyed the feelings of loss very well in Samantha. Not only that, but you also gave her a lot of depth. It made it very easy to identify with her.

Though, through the flash back and later paragraphs I found the emotion to be a little bit lacking. I think this is because you told rather than showed. It would help if you had a little more physical/mental reactions from the characters.

Ex: She saw the plates of food sitting there on the table. One for her, her mom, and...

Samantha could feel a tightness in her chest, as if her heart was being twisted into knots that could never be undone. She walked towards her mother, her socked feet sliding across the kitchen floor with each step. Sock skating, it's what dad loved best. She thought.

"Mom?"

Or something like that. But this was a great chapter. :)
1/23/2009 c6 4Decoris Verbum
In this one (and throughout the entire story) I don't like how I'm unsure of their ages, because I could picture them better if I got an age reference. I did like the art project they were assigned, again because it deepens the emotional thing. I think it could turn out really good.

-DV-
1/23/2009 c5 Decoris Verbum
I liked the emotional scope of the chapter, because it really made it more real. I liked how you revealed her vulnerability, and fear of vulnerability, through Jake's hug. It kind of showed a new side of her. Nice work.

-DV-
1/23/2009 c4 Decoris Verbum
Again, in this chap you just stated the facts about Sam in a dull fashion. I didn't like that because it was all boring to read, and it wasn't inventive. I liked how you introduced Lynn to continue the story; she makes me want to read on.

-DV-
1/23/2009 c3 Decoris Verbum
In this chapter, I didn't like your word choice, because it was really unoriginal and rather dull. However, I did like how you kept up Samantha's character, because it was pretty well done: the girl with AWOL parents isolating herself. I think she neds someone like Jake to crack her open.

-DV-
1/23/2009 c2 Decoris Verbum
I didn't like how your sentences were constructed, because they seemed repetitive in style. I also didn't like how you just stated facts, because SHOWING them to the reader would have been a lot more interesting. This chap was okay. I liked the introduction of Jake.

-dV-
1/23/2009 c1 Decoris Verbum
Hm. I like the concept of a girl playing the role of mother without a father, because it gives a lot of room for emotional development. However, the whole thing felt a little stiff, and I didn't like that because I wanted to get into the story and the writing was a barrier. Otherwise, I liked it.

-DV-
1/13/2009 c1 potterrocks13
its been so long now...i like this story ...so can you continue please...its good... and nice...well i hope you continue this story ...see ya!
3/5/2008 c6 POTTERROCKS13
Listen up Punk! if you are never going to start on this story ASAP, i am gonna kick ur *!(if you get what i mean) This story is so good it shouldnt be on hold for so long...PLEASE continue it ASAP! thanks...:)
11/16/2007 c6 pete's sake delete the account
Hmm, I'm intrigued by this story. I like it. It has more substance than the other story, with Dyen and Nazzer. But you seem to be skipping chapters. Yes, chapters. How much time was Samantha working for Mrs. Chan? Since when does Jake act so bold and familiar with her, hugging her and flirting? Where are the descriptions? Give us more-more everything. I understand that, as the author, everything seems complete because you know all the background info. But we don't. We need to read about Lynn's relationship with Samantha, we need to feel more that "Mantha" is a touchy nickname (did her father call her that?), we need to see more how Samantha suffers because of her home life. Give us more.

It's a good start, a good rough draft. I'm looking forward to reading more.
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