Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Paladin

2/2/2008 c9 Mychael Lynne
Yay, an update! I like Hedda. x]

Interesting twist, Casey not going into the army.
2/2/2008 c9 A B Lewis
First I should say that it definitely flows better.

Also, Irian's nerdiness comes through. You can tell he's clueless by the first few chapters - it's totally loveable, though. :) And, also...

FINALLY AN UPDATE!

*does a happy dance*
11/28/2007 c3 3Lumaris
interesting, good chapter :D not much to say, grammar-wise, it held my interest thoroughly ^^ I find the two amusing as well, Irian and Casy - especially that part with Irian's name haha made me laugh ^_^ Anyway, certainly seems that Irian (I keep saying ear-ee-ahn now haha) is a trouble maker and doing something wrong... or is he? I needa sleep now, but maybe tomorrow I'll read more ^_^

At any rate, great chappie!

~FoxyWriter
11/28/2007 c2 Lumaris
Wow, Casey and Irian shared the same though ^^ coolio first chappie ^^I was looking for the 2nd book to the chronicles, realized you haven't started it, so I decided to check this out xD so far, I like it ^^ really curious where this'll go xD

~FoxyWriter
10/11/2007 c2 Scooz
Fictionpress cut off my review! They are really getting on my nerves tonight. Here is what they excluded from my original review of this chapter:
10/11/2007 c8 26Scooz
Last one! :Let's her head fall on desk:

-"Oh do stop scaring him,"

A comma after 'Oh'.

-"are you sure you are not a Reciever?.."

'A Reciever'? Was this something mentioned before or a reference because I'm not quite sure what that word represents...or the ungodly hour I am doing these reviews is addling my poor brain, lol.

And that's it, those are all the errors I found through out the story. It is now 1:00 a.m. on the dot for me, so I will be heading off to bed. Look forward to seeing the next chapter and getting back into the swing of the story ^^
10/11/2007 c7 Scooz
You getting tired of reading these yet? lol.

-They didn't look anything like townhouses, but... oh... town house as opposed to country house.

o.O Huh? I mean, I think I get the reference of how they appear, but the build of that sentence throws me off, and it's not just the dots. It needs a bit of rewording.

-And boy, if I'd given in to Mom and gotten contacts...

'In to' shoudl be one word.

-...as her face went slack with shock:I have little...

A space between 'shock' and the opening colon.

Woot! Short review. Aside form all the dots, I do not see too many problems with this chapter. Here comes the last one! ^^
10/11/2007 c6 Scooz
Almost there! Just a few more reviews!

Love the 'Beyond the Sea' and 'Lean on me' reference. Love those songs, great classics.

-"Do not...bring Heryn...into this,"

If you are trying to create emphasis, I think rather than long pauses between words, emphasize the words themselves, ex. "Do. Not. Bring. Heryn. Into. This." or "Do NOT being Heryn into this."

-What's the matter with him

Again, you can't see it in my review, but the 'him' at the end of this sentence is not in Italics and you need a question mark.

-"So Truedark is made up..."

A comma after 'So'.

Oh, an small question, just out of curiosity. When you use the term 'Circles', are you referencing cycles around the sun, or like tree rings? I know people typically reference the cycles of a world rotating around it's sun, but I had a friend who wrote a Druidic fantasy and since Druids are big on tree, she used tree rings as a reference to people's ages. I always like seeing the method to an author's madness for new perspectives.

-... and memorizing titles of nobility, with a snatched lunch a- horse, I still managed...

Que? 'With a snatched lunch a- horse'? I don't really get that part, makes no sense to me.

-Rinse and repeat.

Brilliant, lol.
10/11/2007 c5 Scooz
...and still going, lol.

-Seventh Hour

Why is that term capitalized? Is there something important about the labels of the times?

-...of Heryn, who could have been an Adept...But surely Miss Drake is not as...incautious as Heryn...

With the exception of the first '...' which I put in there, there are too many pauses.I think the once between 'Adept' and 'But' can be turned into a semi-colon or a period.

-"I love her! Than you thank you thank you thank you thank you..."

First, please put commas between each of the 'thank you"s and instead of '...' at the end, I think an explamation point is fine. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

-Funny how the cosmos keep cropping up around me...

'Cropping'? Such an odd word to use. I don't think it's correct. Did you mean 'popping'?

And moving on once again...
10/11/2007 c4 Scooz
...and continuing from the last review.

-You, if it worked right, well, yououtrank me, technically, in a way.

Too many commas make the sentence too complex and you need a space between the 'yououtrank'. 'Technically, you outrank me if the spell worked correctly.' looks better I think, or something akin to that.

I was going to make a remark about her ability to read the Rose and Boar Inn, because if their written language was different from our phonetical alphabet, then their spoken language should technically be different too, but you clarified that in a later chapter with the translation spell. I think you should make mention of the 'dubbed' way Irian talks earlier so that it's not suddenly dumped on us later. Maybe make a comment when Irian and Casey first talk where she thinks 'His accent must have been strange because his lips didn't quite sync with the words he was speaking.' or something like that.

-Leaning against his chair was a well-worn pack-he rummaged in it and...

I think the - between 'pack' and 'he' is not necessary. A semi-colon or revision of the sentence would work better, ex. 'He rummaged through the well-worn pack leaning against his chair.' then mention in the next sentece what he pulls out.

No touchie? Hahahaha! I love saying that, lol. Kudos for Casey.

-"Well," I told her, "By my judgement, you almost you exactly fit your..."

The 'b' in 'By' doesn't need to be capitalized because you are continuing a sentence, not starting a new one. Judgment only has one 'e', I make the same mistake a lot. Also, there is an extra 'you' after 'almost' that is not needed. "Well," I told her, "by my judgment, you almost exactly fit your..." Hm, come to think of it, the 'almost exactly' looks odd. How about dropping the 'exactly'? "you almost fit your..." Yea, that looks a bit better.

-:OH GOD I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HIM I HOPE I DIDN'T HURT HIM WHY-:

I understand you are trying to show that she is talking to fast and stringing her sentences together, but I think there should still be a comma after 'GOD' period after the first 'HIM' and a period after the second 'HIM'...and possibly a question mark after '-' and before the closing colon.

-"You are a telepath and an empath?"I coughed...

There needs to be a space between the closing quotation and 'I'.

When Irian recounts the story of the Paladin, I don't think you have to start each new paragraph with a quotation mark, though I guess it is a good reminder to the reader that he is talking, but you don't really need it.

-"...and power that his like had never been seen before..."

The 'been' can be removed.

-Unusually for me, I was asleep relatively quickly.

That sentence made me cringe a bit, lol. I know what you are saying, it's just needs to be reworded. Maybe "Oddly enough, I fell asleep relatively fast." or "I fell alseep relatively fast, which was unusual for me."

And moving on again to the next chapter...
10/11/2007 c3 Scooz
Continuing from my previous review...

-I gave him one of my Looks.

Does 'Looks' need to be capitalized? It makes it seem like a brand name, lol. I can understand emphasizing it being a personal trademark, but it's not necessary.

-What have I gotten myself into

I know I can't indicate it here, but all but the 'into' of that sentence is in Italics and you are missing a question mark.

-"He's not dead. Thankfully. We'll find him.

I don't think 'Thankfully' needs to be it's own sentence, makes the dialogue too fragmented. Either 'He's not dead, thankfully.' or if you want to show a longer pause 'He's npt dead...thankfully.' Also, there is a quotation mark missing at the end of the second sentence.

-Maybe he hadn't seen us, heard me: he looked away without raising the alarm.

Again, sounds odd. I think 'Maybe he hadn't seen us or heard me because he looked away without raising the alarm.' is better.

Moving on to the next chapter...
10/11/2007 c2 Scooz
:headdesk: I wrote you a nice long review and guess what? Fictionpress deleted the whole thing...I feel like crying! You'll see why. I was so thorough! :bangs head against desk: Stupid Fictionpress. Guess I will have to start all over again, but this time I will write it on my computer and paste it. I have printed out your story because I hate staring at Fictionpress' white screen for too long and marked it up. Wish I could just scan the marked up version and post it, but since that's not happening, I'll just rewrite my review. I think my original review might have been too long, so I guess I will have to just post a review for each, individual chapter. Hokay, so where did I start last time?
10/6/2007 c2 1AluminumMuse
Okay, here goes:

They were some distance behind me, but despite that I knew I had little time, a mark at best.

-

Eh? I am totally lost. Clarity is key to good writing, but this sentence makes no sense.

Once more I drew on the Well of magic beneath my feet.

-

Be a little more specific. How does she draw on the Well of Magic? (if 'Well of Magic' is the name of the place, it needs to be capitalized as such, if it isn't, the 'well' doesn't need to be capitalized.

What do they want? No time to think about that. This time it will work. It has to… today is the day, I am sure of it! It all lines up!

-

Why is there no time to think about it? Plus, you're writing is in first person. She shouldn't have to quote what she was thinking, it should just be written in or implied.

There was the flare of energy from me, making me slightly dizzy this time… then the unusual slight rumble in the ground warned me.

-

Don't use a '...' here, use a comma. Also, warned her of what?

This scene has no emotion. It's in the first person, be subtle and let the emotion become a sort of background music. For some really excellent first person, read The Last Days by Scott Westerfeld.



(If Irian is a boy, please forgive me. After reading the fact that a girl rose out of the pit, I might assume that she will become his love interest, but I'm too lazy to go back and check.)

There was not much time to speculate, however, for out of the vortex rose a… girl?

-

I'm pretty sure her knows it's a girl, so get rid of the '...' and the question mark.

Despairingly I thought, Why me?

-

Everyone says that. Everyone. It's rapidly becoming a pet peeve of mine. Delve into your character and find something original to do.

“Hey Case-ey! Earth to Casey, come in Casey!”

-

Even if she is holding those letters long, don't add a bunch of extras. It makes your writing sound immature. Furthermore, the whole daydreaming girl and best friend character entry? Another cliché. Unless it develops character or moves the plot forward, take it out. If she usually spaces out, then add something to cue us into that. 'She rolled her eyes as I came back down to reality. She knew the drill.' See how the last part tells the reader that spacing is a regular occurrence?

What the hey…Weird. Very weird. Too weird…

-

Is that all she's thinking? This is in first character, it should be loaded with character, with opinions, with all that good emotional stuff.

Feather La
9/15/2007 c3 CandleQueen
Okay, I like this one much better. It had a bit of a funny element to it, and I really like Casey. She's a character who readers can really identify with, I think.

-Ramen
9/15/2007 c2 CandleQueen
Wow...I wonder what her friend is going to think when she just suddenly vanishes from the cafeteria.

I would have liked it if you went into more detail in the beginning of the story with the 'unfriendly mages'and the 'summoning spell'. It passed rather quickly, and made the beginning a bit hard to absorb.

All in all, it was okay, but it failed to capture my interest. It didn't have anything that really set it apart from all the other billion stories on here. I think your first chapter should be something that catches people's attention, because it plays a big part in deciding whether they read on or not. I'll probably read on anyway, because I know from your other works that your a pretty decent writer, but I really think you could elaborate on your narration of the first chapter.

-Ramen
115 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service