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for Paladin

6/25/2007 c1 7Nature's Glory
I guessed since your on Mayaj's favorite author's list that you were good writer so I wandered over to your accnt to check out your stories n stuff. If it isn't some dumb question where I missed something, I wondered about your, heh, Mighty Pencil Club. Care to tell me about it? :D

Also noticed your a fan of Mercedes Lackey and Eric Flint. Thats cool, me too.

Well other than that, I hope to get into your work more, I think Mayaj likes to say - Happy Writing!
5/10/2007 c7 5Heatless Flame
It wasn't nearly as awkward as in the first, good job tidying this up so far.
5/10/2007 c2 Heatless Flame
I like this start better than the other one.
5/6/2007 c3 7Etenebris
Heya! Been a while since I’ve reviewed this…sorry about that. But I’m doing it now!

Paragraph 2—“A slight noise” just doesn’t seem right to me. “A /small/ noise”, perhaps?

Paragraph 5—I know I mentioned this before, but I really think it’s important that you make Casey’s (in-story Casey) actions and words believable, especially when in response to really out-there scenarios (teleportation to another world would be one of those). Unless there’s something extremely special about Casey (other than the, you know, “Paladin” thing), her blatant sarcasm, candidness and cynicism wouldn’t really make sense right here.

Paragraph 6—“I stared at the girl /that/ emerged…” should be “I stared at the girl /who/ emerged…”

(Just a question: Where did you get the name “Irian” from? I’ve never thought to ask you that, but come to think of it, the name is sonorous enough to merit explanation. Explain! ^_^)

The whole “bluster” thing is slightly confusing. I don’t see (literally) what Casey would have to react to, and so it makes it slightly less realistic. I know that imagery in first person is difficult, especially if you’re supposed to have a character in a very tense situation describe something he himself is doing. Maybe Casey could describe it, or something.

I’ve also noticed that you’ve said three “slightly”s (counting “slight”) in this one chapter alone. You don’t really need any of them—“slightly” is just a filler word, and should not be overused.

Casey’s “What is this, some kind of joke?” remark is somewhat ironic, considering her sarcastic and joking attitude she’s had until recently. /This/ part is emotionally believable, but what you had earlier was not. Try to match up her actions earlier with the same mood she’s got now, or something that is similar to it.

Glaring at the fireball until it goes poof (though I do like the phrase you use) is also more comic than it is emotionally believable. Or, at least, the way you put it makes it seem that it’s not believable, but I suppose it /could/ be believable. Yes, I suppose it could work, if this is how you’re writing the whole thing: Casey and Irian are recalling this later on (duh), and are referring to certain serious events in a humorous manner, kind of downplaying what happened years ago. Respond to this review to clarify, because I’m obviously clueless. Sorry. =)

(Ooh, now you have to tell me the exact, proper, uptight, flawless, annoyingly specific phonetic pronunciation of Irian’s name. I need to know!)

Ha! “My /full name!/” “No. So, /Irian/…”

I just love this dialogue…

Gah! More references to “slightly”!

Whoa. Wasn’t it the Dark’set mages last time? Now it’s his own people searching for Irian? I didn’t know you’d changed the plot! I’m intrigued now.

Overall, this is incredibly better than your first draft (or the first draft I saw, anyway). Forgive me for taking so long to finally get around to reviewing it. :bows in shame: ^_^
4/12/2007 c7 32Mayaj
There didn't seem to be any awkwardness with Jalena, it was great! And gah I'm loving Irian more every minute...!
4/12/2007 c6 Mayaj
Gnye sorry for taking so long to review! You know, I can't tell if this was this amazing last time I read it(before the revision) and I just don't remember or if you just changed alot. Lovely! Onward!
3/19/2007 c7 1For What Its Worth
My conolences on the death. There is no noticeable awkwardness in the Jalena convesation. But there's not a lot of sarcasm, either... Despite it being Casey's trademark. So do we get to meet Irian's other friends?
3/13/2007 c7 3The Celtic Bard
^-^ Wonderful chapter! Can't wait for the next one!
3/11/2007 c5 The Celtic Bard
I like it! A little bit of time confusion (i.e. Irian grinned when Comet canters around the ring near the stable.) but otherwise no problem!
3/10/2007 c7 9SapphireIris
Hm... it was still kind of awkward, but a definite improvement over the old version. And I did notice the glasses/contacts thing, and I think that this version was better, too. Sorry for the lack of reviews; I'm in the hospital and I managed to "borrow" my friend's laptop. Keep writing!

3/7/2007 c7 4Falkner
So yeah, the author alerts stopped working and then started up again today. Crazy fictionpress issues. Anyway, this chapter went well, the converstation with Jalen seemed pretty fluid to me. The no contractions thing still freaks me out, but I understand its importance in setting their language apart from ours. That just doesn't change the fact that it's different to read. It reminds me of that old show Kung Fu where he ditches contractions too. Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, hope you're doing all right.
3/7/2007 c6 Falkner
The only thing I wanted to point out about this chapter was Irian's acceptance of his brother's death. It felt a little rushed, like maybe it should've taken awhile longer for him to come to terms with what had happened rather than just one quick session with Casey playing psychologist. People tend to agonize over things forever before accepting them as they are. Just a suggestion, but that was the only thing that felt a bit awkward about his chapter. Otherwise I really enjoyed it, especially Casey's random thougths "His voice could have given a white-out in Antarctica lessons in freezing" - very entertaining. :)
3/7/2007 c7 A B Lewis
Don't you dare apologize because someone died, missy.

I like the rewrite, though - it's a lot less awkward now.
3/7/2007 c7 29Jareth Valentine
Doesn't seem awkward at all to me.

Nice to see an update at last.

Sorry 'bout the whole death thing. Funerals are a bummer, I know.
3/6/2007 c7 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Ok, first things first, I'm sorry to hear that you've got a death in the family. Hope you can cope with that in the future... anyway, I do really find this story as interesting as the previous version... but given the fact that I've got a short memory span, I don't really see any major changes in your revised version. Anyway, I do think that Irian's assessemnt of Casey's parents was rather funny. I think I remembered seing something like this in the previous version, but I don't really know... anyway, I really wonder what Jalena meant in her final words in this chapter... it seems that Casey's destined for big accomplishments, huh?
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