for Paladin3/5/2007 c7 feeder
I just found this and I have arrived at the conclusion that it is really good.
I like the regular switch in perspective between the 2 main characters, it's interesting to see how both of them react to each other. The mind reading stuff is great too.
I'll even add this to my favourites.
I just found this and I have arrived at the conclusion that it is really good.
I like the regular switch in perspective between the 2 main characters, it's interesting to see how both of them react to each other. The mind reading stuff is great too.
I'll even add this to my favourites.
3/4/2007 c7 Mychael Lynne
Yay! Updates! Stupid fictionpress isn't sending out alerts again...
I think you did well ridding this chapter of any awkwardness. ^^ These chapters were very good.
-hugs-
Yay! Updates! Stupid fictionpress isn't sending out alerts again...
I think you did well ridding this chapter of any awkwardness. ^^ These chapters were very good.
-hugs-
3/3/2007 c6 
9Reda
Hehe I like Casey.
"TALK!" XD I do that stuff to my friends sometimes.
"Never blame someone for his or her death. It is more destructive than blaming yourself." - Good quote that. :)
~Reda
9RedaHehe I like Casey.
"TALK!" XD I do that stuff to my friends sometimes.
"Never blame someone for his or her death. It is more destructive than blaming yourself." - Good quote that. :)
~Reda
2/7/2007 c5 31Mya von Dor
Interesting... but I think that some of Irian's comments in his head aren't exactly something he would do. Like explaining the riding pants, he would just see them, maybe the color, maybe how well they fit. The other comments would work if you were using 3rd person perspective, but seeing as you're doing alternating 1st person... yeah. Having Casey do that makes perfect sense, but when he does it it just feels like it was put in so the audience knows what's going on. Might just be me, but I figured it couldn't hurt to at least mention it :) And I still very much like this edit, btw.
31Mya von DorInteresting... but I think that some of Irian's comments in his head aren't exactly something he would do. Like explaining the riding pants, he would just see them, maybe the color, maybe how well they fit. The other comments would work if you were using 3rd person perspective, but seeing as you're doing alternating 1st person... yeah. Having Casey do that makes perfect sense, but when he does it it just feels like it was put in so the audience knows what's going on. Might just be me, but I figured it couldn't hurt to at least mention it :) And I still very much like this edit, btw.
2/6/2007 c4 Mya von Dor
I definetely like this edit better. You've put in a lot more details, it seems, which is really nice. I'd say more but I keep being interrupted (I'm at work :) )
I definetely like this edit better. You've put in a lot more details, it seems, which is really nice. I'd say more but I keep being interrupted (I'm at work :) )
2/6/2007 c3 Mya von Dor
I know he forgot about them for a while... but it just seems like he's not at all acting like he has someone after him... I mean, first he talks about them following him, then she pops up, then they come up again. Maybe you should put in some details about how far away they are? Cause it seems like a lot of time goes by before they come up again. But I find the editing differences between this and the first one really interesting, and overall I like the additions and the changes you've done thus far, just so you know :)
I know he forgot about them for a while... but it just seems like he's not at all acting like he has someone after him... I mean, first he talks about them following him, then she pops up, then they come up again. Maybe you should put in some details about how far away they are? Cause it seems like a lot of time goes by before they come up again. But I find the editing differences between this and the first one really interesting, and overall I like the additions and the changes you've done thus far, just so you know :)
2/6/2007 c2 Mya von Dor
I think you should drop the prologe-y bit altogether. I hope you don't think I'm being mean or anything, but it seems like you keep trying to come up with something you like with each edit, and it almost feels like you're trying too hard. One of my professors once told us that most of the time you can cut out the first (and last) paragraph or two and the story will still make sense, and in a lot of cases make it better, because we use that time to get ourselves into the story, so the real beginning is actually a couple paragraphs down. Just thought I'd let you know :)
I think you should drop the prologe-y bit altogether. I hope you don't think I'm being mean or anything, but it seems like you keep trying to come up with something you like with each edit, and it almost feels like you're trying too hard. One of my professors once told us that most of the time you can cut out the first (and last) paragraph or two and the story will still make sense, and in a lot of cases make it better, because we use that time to get ourselves into the story, so the real beginning is actually a couple paragraphs down. Just thought I'd let you know :)
2/2/2007 c5 9Reda
What? What? That's all.. Agh... *insert long drawn out 'no' here*
Lots better than the first version. Cheers and cheerios. Now keep it coming, wah!
~Reda~
9RedaWhat? What? That's all.. Agh... *insert long drawn out 'no' here*
Lots better than the first version. Cheers and cheerios. Now keep it coming, wah!
~Reda~
1/27/2007 c5 6WordSarien
Great chapters! :) Irian's reactions to his discoveries about story-Casey made me laugh. . .again. :P I wish I could see his expression.
Mark: *Sarcastically* Then why don't you just find a mysteriously-appearing portal to Avadur, just like you try to do for everything else?
Me: -_- Because I'm still LOOKING!
Mark: . . .You're missing the point.
Me: . . .No, I'm not MISSING it, I'm IGNORING it! *Sigh* Anyways, I don't know if I've ever said this before, but I really like the way story-Casey and Irian interact. :P It's kind of funny how they are professional when they need to be, but getting on each others nerves and/or shocking them and/or piquing their curiousity unintentionally.
Mark: . . .That sentence is almost as long as the one Irian used to explain what had happened.
Me: -_- Shush. Anyways, I'd like to say more, but the computer is still acting up (*glares*), so I've got to go. :( Please update soon!
~Elicael, Fire Sarien~
6WordSarienGreat chapters! :) Irian's reactions to his discoveries about story-Casey made me laugh. . .again. :P I wish I could see his expression.
Mark: *Sarcastically* Then why don't you just find a mysteriously-appearing portal to Avadur, just like you try to do for everything else?
Me: -_- Because I'm still LOOKING!
Mark: . . .You're missing the point.
Me: . . .No, I'm not MISSING it, I'm IGNORING it! *Sigh* Anyways, I don't know if I've ever said this before, but I really like the way story-Casey and Irian interact. :P It's kind of funny how they are professional when they need to be, but getting on each others nerves and/or shocking them and/or piquing their curiousity unintentionally.
Mark: . . .That sentence is almost as long as the one Irian used to explain what had happened.
Me: -_- Shush. Anyways, I'd like to say more, but the computer is still acting up (*glares*), so I've got to go. :( Please update soon!
~Elicael, Fire Sarien~
1/26/2007 c5 amethystAsheryn
all good chapters. I like the summajry too. LOL. ...Can horses actually go backwards? And where did you hear that you blow into a horse's nostrils? I heard that somewhere, too, but I forgot where. ..
all good chapters. I like the summajry too. LOL. ...Can horses actually go backwards? And where did you hear that you blow into a horse's nostrils? I heard that somewhere, too, but I forgot where. ..
1/10/2007 c5 4Falkner
I'm glad you've decided to post this story again. I never did get a chance to finish last time. Anyway, I think it's flowing better so far, and I think Casey and Irian are fabulous (I don't know where that word came from). The only recommendation that I have is that you could get rid of the Irian/Casey headings each time you switch perspective. You are already designating a shift with the double Xs so maybe after the first chapter (so new readers can get a feel for it) you could drop the subheadings and just rely on the double Xs. The only problem I see with that is if you start to switch between more than two characters, but I don't remember if you do. Other than that, good work! I hope my alerts start working so I can keep track of what's being updated. :)
4FalknerI'm glad you've decided to post this story again. I never did get a chance to finish last time. Anyway, I think it's flowing better so far, and I think Casey and Irian are fabulous (I don't know where that word came from). The only recommendation that I have is that you could get rid of the Irian/Casey headings each time you switch perspective. You are already designating a shift with the double Xs so maybe after the first chapter (so new readers can get a feel for it) you could drop the subheadings and just rely on the double Xs. The only problem I see with that is if you start to switch between more than two characters, but I don't remember if you do. Other than that, good work! I hope my alerts start working so I can keep track of what's being updated. :)
1/10/2007 c5 1For What Its Worth
It seems a bit more...connected than the old version. But why were the mages searching for him? And I noticed a few discrepancies in the old one I just wanted to make sure you were aware of. For instance, Matt is the same age as Casey, but the spell pulled her back in time. What happened, or is that part of the plot?
1For What Its WorthIt seems a bit more...connected than the old version. But why were the mages searching for him? And I noticed a few discrepancies in the old one I just wanted to make sure you were aware of. For instance, Matt is the same age as Casey, but the spell pulled her back in time. What happened, or is that part of the plot?
1/8/2007 c5 A B Lewis
:D Yay! Two quick things - first, Casey's reaction to being summonned seems a little off. Maybe that's just me, but I wouldn't be asking to go home. Okay, that's probably just me - whatever. Also, watch your commas. Oh, and UPDATE! :D
:D Yay! Two quick things - first, Casey's reaction to being summonned seems a little off. Maybe that's just me, but I wouldn't be asking to go home. Okay, that's probably just me - whatever. Also, watch your commas. Oh, and UPDATE! :D
1/8/2007 c2 A B Lewis
Yay! I LOVE the new intro - it's kinda sad, though, but that's normal for fantasy stories. Like the fact that you gave her a friend on Earth (More than I can say for my characters) and gave that friend a name.
Okay... Constructive Critism time!
Few quick things to say - firstly, it's a little short. You might benefit from giving Casey's viewpoint more of an intro. Irian's viewpoint is fine, but Casey seems a little flat before she gets sucked into Avadur. Go back in time a little bit before you suck her into another dimension.
And...
Um..
No further advice. Can't think of anything. On to the next chapter!
Yay! I LOVE the new intro - it's kinda sad, though, but that's normal for fantasy stories. Like the fact that you gave her a friend on Earth (More than I can say for my characters) and gave that friend a name.
Okay... Constructive Critism time!
Few quick things to say - firstly, it's a little short. You might benefit from giving Casey's viewpoint more of an intro. Irian's viewpoint is fine, but Casey seems a little flat before she gets sucked into Avadur. Go back in time a little bit before you suck her into another dimension.
And...
Um..
No further advice. Can't think of anything. On to the next chapter!