for Paladin1/7/2007 c5 
9SapphireIris
Ah... My author alerts are all funky again, so I can't tell when you update. (mutters)Stupid hotmail...
Anyway, this does seem better than the old version. I like the little added stuff, and many of the things that were wrong were fixed. I still recognise a lot of the phrases from the old one, however, and that means it's still on track.
Your beginning rocks. I liked the old one, but this one is better. I still noticed a few typos and stuff, but I'm not going to be super-anal about it. I'm just trying to get some constructive stuff in.
Keep updating, even if I don't review for awhile. I didn't die, my email's just funkified.
-SapphireIris
9SapphireIrisAh... My author alerts are all funky again, so I can't tell when you update. (mutters)Stupid hotmail...
Anyway, this does seem better than the old version. I like the little added stuff, and many of the things that were wrong were fixed. I still recognise a lot of the phrases from the old one, however, and that means it's still on track.
Your beginning rocks. I liked the old one, but this one is better. I still noticed a few typos and stuff, but I'm not going to be super-anal about it. I'm just trying to get some constructive stuff in.
Keep updating, even if I don't review for awhile. I didn't die, my email's just funkified.
-SapphireIris
1/6/2007 c5 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Heya there! Alert system paralyzed again. So yeah, had to go here to find out all the updates... anyway, I can see that there are much more details in this story up till now compare to any changes. I personally like the way you did the magic learning issue and if you're not going to make any major changes to this story, then I can figure out what role does Heryn play. I remember that part very well. Actually, I do have this impression that this rewrite of yours will put in much more details compared to making changes, which means hopefully, I'll get to see the modern day song part sooner or later. I don't know if you remember that, but I do. Personally, I do find that rather funny. And yeah, one CC here: don't make Casey into someone who can master stuff easily. Make her hit the wall to a certain extent in her overall training be it magic or weaponmastery. I remember that I also made Azuren into something like this in COA in terms of magic, so I believe that you can do the same as well especially given that I'm definitely not the only one who did the whole "hit-the-wall part in training..." Ok, I guess I've said my piece. Right now, my challenge is to upload Wolfblood by tonight, but I may not rise up to it given that it's freakin' late now and I've still got church tomorrow morning...
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHeya there! Alert system paralyzed again. So yeah, had to go here to find out all the updates... anyway, I can see that there are much more details in this story up till now compare to any changes. I personally like the way you did the magic learning issue and if you're not going to make any major changes to this story, then I can figure out what role does Heryn play. I remember that part very well. Actually, I do have this impression that this rewrite of yours will put in much more details compared to making changes, which means hopefully, I'll get to see the modern day song part sooner or later. I don't know if you remember that, but I do. Personally, I do find that rather funny. And yeah, one CC here: don't make Casey into someone who can master stuff easily. Make her hit the wall to a certain extent in her overall training be it magic or weaponmastery. I remember that I also made Azuren into something like this in COA in terms of magic, so I believe that you can do the same as well especially given that I'm definitely not the only one who did the whole "hit-the-wall part in training..." Ok, I guess I've said my piece. Right now, my challenge is to upload Wolfblood by tonight, but I may not rise up to it given that it's freakin' late now and I've still got church tomorrow morning...
1/6/2007 c4 Mayaj
Heh. Irian's cuter than ever... But it still seems strange to me that Casey sleeps on the floor while Irian takes the bed, it shouldn't bother me, but it does...
Heh. Irian's cuter than ever... But it still seems strange to me that Casey sleeps on the floor while Irian takes the bed, it shouldn't bother me, but it does...
1/5/2007 c4 1LittleRedRodeo
Gah! Long chapter! Eyes tired...!
But it was still a good chatper, and very informative. Things are starting to make more sense now. Personally, I think it would be pretty cool if Irian saw our redwood forest. "Look! Magic-free." :)
1LittleRedRodeoGah! Long chapter! Eyes tired...!
But it was still a good chatper, and very informative. Things are starting to make more sense now. Personally, I think it would be pretty cool if Irian saw our redwood forest. "Look! Magic-free." :)
1/5/2007 c5 Mychael Lynne
YAY! Didn't get the alerts, but laughing at Irian and Casey was worth it. x) Such a funny pair.
But you went back to the half-brother half-sister thing instead of cousins in this chapter, instead of cousins like earlier.
Update soon!
YAY! Didn't get the alerts, but laughing at Irian and Casey was worth it. x) Such a funny pair.
But you went back to the half-brother half-sister thing instead of cousins in this chapter, instead of cousins like earlier.
Update soon!
1/5/2007 c3 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Ok, I can say that this story's going well. Actually, I do find that you've added some more details in the prologue if I remember the previous version correctly. But then again, I may be wrong in every sense. But for the summoning scene, I remember that Irian was pursued by some bad guys in the previous version, but it seemed to me right now that things may not be that simple. Anyway, I'm wanting to find out how this whole thing is going to develope for sure. Sorry for the short review, but I can't think of anything more to say here. But keep up the good work, ok? :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuOk, I can say that this story's going well. Actually, I do find that you've added some more details in the prologue if I remember the previous version correctly. But then again, I may be wrong in every sense. But for the summoning scene, I remember that Irian was pursued by some bad guys in the previous version, but it seemed to me right now that things may not be that simple. Anyway, I'm wanting to find out how this whole thing is going to develope for sure. Sorry for the short review, but I can't think of anything more to say here. But keep up the good work, ok? :)
1/4/2007 c2 29Jareth Valentine
Oh! An update! Yay! Boy, don'tcha just hate it when people go forever without updating their stories?
*pauses for ironic effect*
You know, I always thought it was a bit abrupt, the way Casey was suddenly whisked away...I realize that that's where the story actually begins, but a bit of character development prior to that couldn't hurt. The bit with Stephanie seems pretty superfluous...the only thing thier little back-and-forth tells us is that Casey's afraid to use real swear words. :P
Nice to see this long-awaited rewrite finally go up. Would you mind if I stole your NEW/OLD title scheme when I finally do the same for GTD?
29Jareth ValentineOh! An update! Yay! Boy, don'tcha just hate it when people go forever without updating their stories?
*pauses for ironic effect*
You know, I always thought it was a bit abrupt, the way Casey was suddenly whisked away...I realize that that's where the story actually begins, but a bit of character development prior to that couldn't hurt. The bit with Stephanie seems pretty superfluous...the only thing thier little back-and-forth tells us is that Casey's afraid to use real swear words. :P
Nice to see this long-awaited rewrite finally go up. Would you mind if I stole your NEW/OLD title scheme when I finally do the same for GTD?
1/2/2007 c2 7Etenebris
Okay, I just want to say, I'm loving this from the very beginning. I mean it. First sentence is flowing through my blood, and I want more. Excellent job, Casey.
However - I get a little wide-eyed at the fact that the MC (I'll refer to in-story Casey as "the MC" and you as Casey, to avoid confusion) shares, straight-away, that everything ended in nothing. The hook (God, how I hate that term; but I still have to use it) is gone, at this point, and I'm thinking, "Then what's the point of me reading this?" While I would keep reading this, because I know your writing, and that you tend to not disappoint, new readers might get a little iffy on the whole point of reading something that ends, literally, in the beginning. The point is to trick the reader. So perhaps same beginning, sans the overly revealing statement?
Okay, loving Irian here. The spell words are perfect as well. My only problem is grammatical - in the paragraph second to last before the "XX" break, you say, "whoever they were, who somewhere behind me..." Remove the "who", and you'll be in business, IMO.
The "Why me" could be a tad more original, but, then again, we all have thoughts like that when we're pressed for time. Or, rather, people who don't throw vulgar terms around like I do. Er...moving on...
The MC's section isn't as believable as Irian's. A person being faced with an impossibility (or, I suppose, if you want to get technical, an "improbability") like people freezing in the middle of a completely inoccuous event like lunch would panic, like have difficulty breathing, or feel exceptionally claustrophobic. I'd say that "Eep" doesn't fit, either, just as "Why me?" seems rather comical when a such a traumatizing thing is happening.
Please don't think I didn't like this chapter, though - it was excellent. Your description of the cyclone was fantastic, my only point is that you need to work on the psychological aspects of your characters in times of peril a bit more.
And, aside from that, it was a tad short. But, honestly, who decrees the length of a first chapter? First chapters set the pace for the entire story, and they can do that any number of ways, by being short and ominous, or...well, I honestly don't want to list anything right now. It's 2:18 AM, I just reviewed your story (which feels all shiny and new, by the by - great editing so far!), and now I feel like crap because I didn't post the usual "Teh yayz!" comments that everyone (but me...grr) gets around here.
Don't think I'm angry at you. People have been dying lately. It's not a pleasant time.
7EtenebrisOkay, I just want to say, I'm loving this from the very beginning. I mean it. First sentence is flowing through my blood, and I want more. Excellent job, Casey.
However - I get a little wide-eyed at the fact that the MC (I'll refer to in-story Casey as "the MC" and you as Casey, to avoid confusion) shares, straight-away, that everything ended in nothing. The hook (God, how I hate that term; but I still have to use it) is gone, at this point, and I'm thinking, "Then what's the point of me reading this?" While I would keep reading this, because I know your writing, and that you tend to not disappoint, new readers might get a little iffy on the whole point of reading something that ends, literally, in the beginning. The point is to trick the reader. So perhaps same beginning, sans the overly revealing statement?
Okay, loving Irian here. The spell words are perfect as well. My only problem is grammatical - in the paragraph second to last before the "XX" break, you say, "whoever they were, who somewhere behind me..." Remove the "who", and you'll be in business, IMO.
The "Why me" could be a tad more original, but, then again, we all have thoughts like that when we're pressed for time. Or, rather, people who don't throw vulgar terms around like I do. Er...moving on...
The MC's section isn't as believable as Irian's. A person being faced with an impossibility (or, I suppose, if you want to get technical, an "improbability") like people freezing in the middle of a completely inoccuous event like lunch would panic, like have difficulty breathing, or feel exceptionally claustrophobic. I'd say that "Eep" doesn't fit, either, just as "Why me?" seems rather comical when a such a traumatizing thing is happening.
Please don't think I didn't like this chapter, though - it was excellent. Your description of the cyclone was fantastic, my only point is that you need to work on the psychological aspects of your characters in times of peril a bit more.
And, aside from that, it was a tad short. But, honestly, who decrees the length of a first chapter? First chapters set the pace for the entire story, and they can do that any number of ways, by being short and ominous, or...well, I honestly don't want to list anything right now. It's 2:18 AM, I just reviewed your story (which feels all shiny and new, by the by - great editing so far!), and now I feel like crap because I didn't post the usual "Teh yayz!" comments that everyone (but me...grr) gets around here.
Don't think I'm angry at you. People have been dying lately. It's not a pleasant time.
12/30/2006 c3 2Darth Buttercup
Hello. You probably know this, but you are making this a great deal better than the old one was. And this will make me re-read it, which I certainly needed to do. It also feels like it's gonna be professional like story. : D
2Darth ButtercupHello. You probably know this, but you are making this a great deal better than the old one was. And this will make me re-read it, which I certainly needed to do. It also feels like it's gonna be professional like story. : D
12/29/2006 c3 5Heatless Flame
So, we finally have something in the Paladin universe? Excellent, becuase I like this beginning better than the old one.
5Heatless FlameSo, we finally have something in the Paladin universe? Excellent, becuase I like this beginning better than the old one.
12/27/2006 c3 1LittleRedRodeo
There! You just about nailed it with the first two paragraphs. The problem with most transportation fantasy on FP is that they lack a believable reaction. I know that if I was ever taken to another world against my will, I'd be borderlining on insanity. I might stare at trees, too XD.
Irian's reaction is justifiable as well, not to mention funny. Before I even got to read it, I was sure that he'd be thinking that he messed up the summoning spell big-time.
"Dama" means "lady" in Spanish? I thought that was "Senora."
1LittleRedRodeoThere! You just about nailed it with the first two paragraphs. The problem with most transportation fantasy on FP is that they lack a believable reaction. I know that if I was ever taken to another world against my will, I'd be borderlining on insanity. I might stare at trees, too XD.
Irian's reaction is justifiable as well, not to mention funny. Before I even got to read it, I was sure that he'd be thinking that he messed up the summoning spell big-time.
"Dama" means "lady" in Spanish? I thought that was "Senora."
12/27/2006 c3 32Mayaj
Nyeg! The same Irian/Casey fun but smoother and MORE! :D This is great and I want more. ...Heh, actually thinking of going back to read the old paladin just cuz I wanna keep reading... Update! (and just in case the Alerts aren't working post a notice on your journal or send me a note or something? We should just get into the habit of always doing that since FP is so damn unreliable.)
32MayajNyeg! The same Irian/Casey fun but smoother and MORE! :D This is great and I want more. ...Heh, actually thinking of going back to read the old paladin just cuz I wanna keep reading... Update! (and just in case the Alerts aren't working post a notice on your journal or send me a note or something? We should just get into the habit of always doing that since FP is so damn unreliable.)
12/27/2006 c2 Mayaj
Yay it's letting me review! Heh, the changes here are subtle but nice, still love it as much as ever. :D
Yay it's letting me review! Heh, the changes here are subtle but nice, still love it as much as ever. :D