for Dance of the Mob4/19/2007 c1 cloudydayz
My .5 cents on this matter:
Ellie is a cute character, with the bowchickawowwow and all. The plot is pretty intriguing; nothing extraordinarily new, but many ways to make it something exciting! But I couldn't read past Chapter One because it was so bland.
For future stories, remember thtat the hook is vital. :) Dancing is interesting, but there's nothing happening. I mean, you could eiter describe the dance vividly (how does she feel at the moment, personify the dance movements, etc.) or just cut to her father's death.
Her father's death was blahish as well, unfortunately.
It's not that the story is bad-but just not interesting. Try to talk through Ellie, from her personality stance. Show, not tell. Just practice on improving character and cutting your narratives to the vitals, and I'm sure you'll be just fine :)
My .5 cents on this matter:
Ellie is a cute character, with the bowchickawowwow and all. The plot is pretty intriguing; nothing extraordinarily new, but many ways to make it something exciting! But I couldn't read past Chapter One because it was so bland.
For future stories, remember thtat the hook is vital. :) Dancing is interesting, but there's nothing happening. I mean, you could eiter describe the dance vividly (how does she feel at the moment, personify the dance movements, etc.) or just cut to her father's death.
Her father's death was blahish as well, unfortunately.
It's not that the story is bad-but just not interesting. Try to talk through Ellie, from her personality stance. Show, not tell. Just practice on improving character and cutting your narratives to the vitals, and I'm sure you'll be just fine :)
4/17/2007 c3 
22marinawings
of course she likes simon! anyways, good chapter. i noticed a few grammar/punctuation errors, but nothing too serious. this story has me hooked. your characters are so realistic. great work with that!
22marinawingsof course she likes simon! anyways, good chapter. i noticed a few grammar/punctuation errors, but nothing too serious. this story has me hooked. your characters are so realistic. great work with that!
4/16/2007 c1 harpoonedxwhale
I honestly tried to read up to chapter three so I could try and help you figure out what you thought was wrong with it, but I just couldn't. I lost interest somewhere after the prologue, but sometime before the middle of chapter one. Don't get me wrong, your writing is better then most I've read today [grammar and spelling wise] and I'm sure the story's just fine.. I guess I just don't like it. Meh..
I honestly tried to read up to chapter three so I could try and help you figure out what you thought was wrong with it, but I just couldn't. I lost interest somewhere after the prologue, but sometime before the middle of chapter one. Don't get me wrong, your writing is better then most I've read today [grammar and spelling wise] and I'm sure the story's just fine.. I guess I just don't like it. Meh..
2/21/2007 c2 marinawings
i really, really like this story so far! one reason is that i am completely biased. i'm nearly 50% irish, so i can relate with the whole irish thing, lol. i've actually had suspicions before about some of my ancestors being involved in the mob. another reason i like this story is your characters. they are very believable. ellie is a likable heroine. i really like her sarcasm. and simon is fascinating. keep up the good work!
i really, really like this story so far! one reason is that i am completely biased. i'm nearly 50% irish, so i can relate with the whole irish thing, lol. i've actually had suspicions before about some of my ancestors being involved in the mob. another reason i like this story is your characters. they are very believable. ellie is a likable heroine. i really like her sarcasm. and simon is fascinating. keep up the good work!
2/20/2007 c2 2pinkshades
Hey there!
I’ve read the chapters you’ve written, and I want to share some of my thoughts. Before I do, however, I just want to say whatever critiques/suggestions/comments I have, they’re all coming from the point of view of an average, every day reader. I don’t presume to know more than I do, so feel free to disagree. ^_^
Okay, so on to the good stuff…
1) RE: Plot
First off, I think that this is a really interesting concept. I think it’s also a challenging one to write about, so I want to say kudos to you for taking a risk. It’s a refreshing change from high school/college stories (not that there’s anything wrong with those… hee, I’m writing one of those myself).
I think that your plot line could be better, however, if you tighten up the story’s details a little.
For example, your story says that Ellie was kept completely in the dark about her father being a Mafia boss. This was due to the fact that she lived in London with her Mother’s family, and not with her father, etc.
But then, you also say that she’s an investigative reporter for a newspaper, and that her boss is the one to tell her the truth. I just find it hard to believe that her boss KNEW about her family’s reputation, and would STILL assign her a story about mafia-related activities. There’s a conflict of interest there, and whether Ellie really knew about her family or not, in my humble opinion, I’m not so sure a real Editor-in-Chief would risk a potentially biased journalist to cover that story.
This part made me wonder a bit as well: [Why did she have a urge to kill? To know? Why was anything the way it was?]
An urge to kill… hee, that’s kind of scary. I know she’s the daughter of a mob boss, but I don’t really believe violence is hereditary. Plus you said that Ellie was far removed from her father for the bulk of her life, so I guess… I guess I’m trying to say that I’m not convinced.
Perhaps instead of that, you could mention how her father was always encouraging her to take up tae kwon do or karate, or introduce a segment that would make Ellie’s fighting skills at the end of Ch.1 more believable.
2) RE: General Content
I really loved this part:
[She stepped away from the wall, “Now if you’ll excuse me I feel the need to cook lots of Japanese dishes.”
The one with brown, gold flecked, eyes looked at her, “Japanese?”
At this she turned and looked at them, “Please don’t fight the Yakuza, I happen to like them.”]
I thought that was a great touch, especially when you reach the end of the chapter and she knocks Simon out while she’s making miso soup. Haha, that was too cute!
And actually, I just liked Ellie’s character in general. I love that she’s not easily fazed about the unexpected things thrown at her. It was cool that Ellie just rolled with it when she learned about her father, and how she was unafraid to get her way when she talked that police officer. So just keep it up, and continue flushing out her character!
That’s all I have for the moment. I hope you don’t mind my suggestions, or that my review was long.
All the best,
pinkshades
(youngwriters101)
2pinkshadesHey there!
I’ve read the chapters you’ve written, and I want to share some of my thoughts. Before I do, however, I just want to say whatever critiques/suggestions/comments I have, they’re all coming from the point of view of an average, every day reader. I don’t presume to know more than I do, so feel free to disagree. ^_^
Okay, so on to the good stuff…
1) RE: Plot
First off, I think that this is a really interesting concept. I think it’s also a challenging one to write about, so I want to say kudos to you for taking a risk. It’s a refreshing change from high school/college stories (not that there’s anything wrong with those… hee, I’m writing one of those myself).
I think that your plot line could be better, however, if you tighten up the story’s details a little.
For example, your story says that Ellie was kept completely in the dark about her father being a Mafia boss. This was due to the fact that she lived in London with her Mother’s family, and not with her father, etc.
But then, you also say that she’s an investigative reporter for a newspaper, and that her boss is the one to tell her the truth. I just find it hard to believe that her boss KNEW about her family’s reputation, and would STILL assign her a story about mafia-related activities. There’s a conflict of interest there, and whether Ellie really knew about her family or not, in my humble opinion, I’m not so sure a real Editor-in-Chief would risk a potentially biased journalist to cover that story.
This part made me wonder a bit as well: [Why did she have a urge to kill? To know? Why was anything the way it was?]
An urge to kill… hee, that’s kind of scary. I know she’s the daughter of a mob boss, but I don’t really believe violence is hereditary. Plus you said that Ellie was far removed from her father for the bulk of her life, so I guess… I guess I’m trying to say that I’m not convinced.
Perhaps instead of that, you could mention how her father was always encouraging her to take up tae kwon do or karate, or introduce a segment that would make Ellie’s fighting skills at the end of Ch.1 more believable.
2) RE: General Content
I really loved this part:
[She stepped away from the wall, “Now if you’ll excuse me I feel the need to cook lots of Japanese dishes.”
The one with brown, gold flecked, eyes looked at her, “Japanese?”
At this she turned and looked at them, “Please don’t fight the Yakuza, I happen to like them.”]
I thought that was a great touch, especially when you reach the end of the chapter and she knocks Simon out while she’s making miso soup. Haha, that was too cute!
And actually, I just liked Ellie’s character in general. I love that she’s not easily fazed about the unexpected things thrown at her. It was cool that Ellie just rolled with it when she learned about her father, and how she was unafraid to get her way when she talked that police officer. So just keep it up, and continue flushing out her character!
That’s all I have for the moment. I hope you don’t mind my suggestions, or that my review was long.
All the best,
pinkshades
(youngwriters101)
2/13/2007 c1 sugarbarbie
I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to submit a review, but I am so behind on reading here at Fiction Press. Just wanted to say that I love the beginning of your story and do hope that you continue it. I am looking forward to reading more on this so please update soon. Barbie
I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to submit a review, but I am so behind on reading here at Fiction Press. Just wanted to say that I love the beginning of your story and do hope that you continue it. I am looking forward to reading more on this so please update soon. Barbie