Just In
for The Federation

1/13/2009 c1 1ShadelyTheMan
good writing. I like the format...

however... there are more ways to kill someone :-P

drowning for example, is not suffocation! :-P

also, starvation, stabbing (which is not trama or shooting!)


all in all though, i do really like the story.
11/28/2008 c59 4MiroFTW
This chapter wasn't exactly quite what I expected. Anyway, here's the review:

She prodded the runny eggs with the brittle bacon and silently cursed whoever had gotten her into this mess.

- nice double entendre, even if you didn't intend to do it. I might point out eggs and bacon is a surprisingly decent meal for a prisoner.

She sat brooding in a dour mood for quite a while.

- this makes Alice come off kind of childish. Not sure if that's what you're lookin for.

Every step Alice took towards the chair made her feel more relaxed and comfortable. By the time she sat down, she was positively glowing.

-I'm not sure if this is because of something she's ate or it could be pills or the air she's breathing or whatnot, but I'd expect her to be a lot more hostile. Instead... she's almost happy. Why?

“You look like you could use something to eat. Would you like a scone? Tea?”

- Alice's captors are very hospitable, despite her situation.

And somehow, she did. Suddenly words spilled from her mouth like a broken down dam, and once she got started she couldn't stop herself.

- Alice seems to open up all too easily. If she does this on her own free will, it seems rather strange that she would so easily trust her captors (no matter how hospitable they are). If she does this because is influenced by some kind of drug or foreign substance, than I can understand. Unfortunately, it's not made clear if it's the former or the latter and that's why her divulging of secrets is hard to swallow.

“The lion. What does it represent?”

- Up to that point, Christine did a fine job of pressuring Alice for information. However, that line just seemed as if she lost her patience. It comes off almost as like a demand. Not exactly the smartest way / method to extract information from a person. If you reworded it to just " Does the lion resemble anything from your past?" or something along those lines, it doesnt come off as desperate on Christine's part as the interrogater.

“I told the guards not to let you in. Do you realize, sir, that the information I gather could save hundreds if not thousands of lives? By interrupting this interview, you are jeopardizing the lives of countless innocent citizens of the Federation. If you do not leave immediately I will have the guards escort you out of the building.”

- I cringed a little when I read that. Sorry if that comes off harsh, but that just reads "blah blah blah get out blah blah blah". I'm pretty sure both "Mr. Hamilton" and Christine know the importance of privacy in these interrogations and the intrusion of another party could jeopardize Christine's goals. With that said, I'm positive the reader knows that as well, in which case either one of two scenarios should happen. A) Christine tells Mr. Hamilton to "kindly" step back outside if by some odd reason she thinks he does not know the company protocol on interrogations. or B) She detect that Mr. Hamilton is up to something by intruding her interrogation of the subject.

Alice comes off as a teenage girl when she just squeals out Baccan's identity. Just like as if she acts on impulse and doesn't give much thought for her actions.

Christine had always prided herself on being exceptionally clever, and she was able to put two and two together very quickly

- That's not the first time you've used that expression "two and two together". I think it was in the previous chapter also if I'm not mistaken. Anyways, it doesn't seem to me as if Christine is that clever. Otherwise, she would've understood that "Mr. Hamilton' had an ulterior motive the moment he stepped into the room. And couldn't it occur to Christine that maybe Alice had just gone insane and was spewing out nonsense? Highly unlikely but a possibility if Alice is indeed under the influence of some foreign substance and thus not in the right state of mind.

Alexander swiftly pulled a short billy club from his pocket...

-What exactly is a billy club? I'll have to wikipedia that or something...

Alex saves Alice. Now what? =\

I'll be waiting for your next chapter.
11/27/2008 c58 MiroFTW
First impression while reading the chapter was that it was very reminiscent of the Hoth scene from Empire Strikes Back.

“Me too. It's a like a graveyard.”

- Minus the first a.

“Approximately 1,500 meters high, at 350 knots, is my guess,” Reese shouted down to her.

- 350 knots? Interesting that you'd use nautical speed for the speed of a UAV.

...and almost sounded like it came from everywhere at once.

-this is extraneous, makes the writer sound unsure of himself and makes the sentence a run-on.

We just heard a very strange crack—almost like a thunder clap.

-I highly suggest switching crack with noise. Crack doesn't seem to fit in this sentence and while I understand what you mean, it is highly distracting.

Why, do you think it's a bomb?”

-Kind of out of the blue. Just because the noise was loud, does it have to be from a bomb? Loud noises could be anything, especially since its echoed from "everywhere".

It would register on Haven's seismometers. That's what they're designed to detect.”

- this is extraneous and can be omitted. It's already implied on the lines above.

“But it doesn't quite add up. What would the Feds drop a bomb for?

- if the Feds have narrowed Haven's location to a certain area, they could just easily bombard a certain radius. possibly use carpet bombs to try and uproot the earth.

Moments later, her radio crackled to life. “Jackal, this is HQ. You guys have a mean-looking flash storm coming in fast on your position. We recommend you abort your patrol and return to Haven immediately.”

-the Hoth meter is beeping loudly. I expect imminent danger.

“That's not recommended, Jackal. You do not want to be there when the storm hits. The hail could break your bones, or damage the grav-bike and leave you stranded on the lake.”

- I feel as if you're writing this just to show the readers exactly how dangerous the storm is, but I think you're overstating yourself here. I imagine Hilary and Reese, provided that they've been patrolling enough, realize the dangers of such storms.

Hilary turned to Reese. “You really had to say we were 'dying to find out,' didn't you?”

- a bit campy but bearable.

I'm kinda curious as to where this chapter leads to. It was an interesting read but I don't understand the direction. Anyways, moving on...
11/26/2008 c57 MiroFTW
Been a while since I reviewed here and I guess this is long overdue. Don't really recall what's happened here but I'm just going to go with the flow.

The first thing I noticed when reading was that the first few paragraphs of this chapter, you went happy with the -ly words and that's generally something to be avoided by many authors. An example of where you use it include:

The squat gray building greatly resembled a military bunker...

“Sorry I'm late, Ms. Dame,” Alexander said, quickly spotting...

... at the rusted metal door, and it swiftly retreated ...


Those can all be edited in such a way that the sentence accomplishes the same effect but without the -ly words.

“He's is all tied up, I'm afraid he couldn't make it today.”

-Eliminate the is. Also, the second sentence says the same as the first and could be omitted altogether.

"He expressed great interest in seeing the second session personally.”

-that sentence sounds awkward. Try instead: He was interested in meeting for a second session. Or something along those lines.

“Are those the cells?” Alexander asked, gesturing towards the adjoining hallway.

-If Alex is undercover as Mr. Wu's step-in, he should already know or be briefed on the schematics of the building and what exactly that Mr. Wu and Ms. Dame was meeting for. I find it curious that Ms. Dame ISN'T curious as to why Mr. Wu couldn't make it to the meeting. Alex didn't even give an excuse.

“So the chips is working well for you.”

-are working

Police-aided suicide, they call it.

- I didn't know there was an actual term for it. It seems more like.. Grand Theft Auto syndrome to me :D

The rest is guesswork, but is still fairly straightforward—...

- I don't know exactly what kind compound Alex is in or whether or not Ms. Dame is working in intelligence (I assume she is), but guesswork is not a great/credible source of information. Files are built on facts and guesswork is not acceptable for any kind of file.

A confrontation between Alexander and Storvey is long overdue. Lots of dialogue in this chapter but a lot of it sounds forced. Try saying some of those lines aloud. Onto the next chapter.
6/5/2008 c56 MiroFTW
This chapter flew by pretty quickly. But before I comment on this one, I'm going to go back and talk about the revised version of Chapter 53.

-The revised version was a lot more believable and a vast improvement from what you had before. Dialogue flowed better, and Raven's emotions seemed more real.

I still say that David's approach of just forcing her to realize that she's a robot is rather a blunt move on his part, but I think it'd be better if you show us at the end of that chapter, when he's talking to Laskin why he needs her to realize that fact. Maybe just a line or two.

"You think she'll be emotionally stable in time before the exodus?"

"I hope so."

And hint at perhaps some reason there. Nothing major.

- A few other minor things.

I'm pretty sure that although it's informal speech, it should be spelled whoa.

I don't think you did a bad job in David's explanation to Raven about her android form, but I think you could throw in the words "sleeper agent" somewhere in that conversation because it describes her role. Euphemize it a bit before breaking the bad news to her, even though sleeper agent itself isnt exactly good news either.

Other than that, good job!

- Getting back to the current chapter, there really isn't much to comment on because a lot of it is just conversation and I like the fact that you're "showing and not telling" the reader that the Grandmaster still has family, though you make it sound like the Grandmaster is a man in his mid-thirties and fourties, just in the way that he still has a relatively young children. I'd have expected him to be grandchildren by now.

And if the young Apprentice is already fifty, I can only imagine how old the Grandmaster is. Unless of course you DO intend on making the Grandmaster younger than the Apprentice...

Just something I found rather ironic.

“An Alliance smart bomb hit a high school instead of a military bunker.”

A smart bomb is a smart bomb for a reason; it's supposed to know its target, find it and destroy it. A dumb bomb is just something you drop and hopes it hits its target. I'm not saying an accident such as aforementioned line isnt impossible, but it can make me wonder how reliable (or inept) the Alliance weapons really are...

Looking forward to reading more. Update soon.
6/4/2008 c56 2Nebulae
yay chess chapters! And a good one at that.
6/4/2008 c53 Nebulae
I like the changes. Still some awkward moments in the early dialogue, but nothing major.

5/17/2008 c55 nsv
You've already heard all of my major comments. The only thing I have left to say is this:

last sentence. sunglasses adjustment. yes.
5/16/2008 c55 4MiroFTW
As usual, Alexander never disappoints.

I'm surprised why Alexander didn't question Mr. Wu what he needed to see Alice about. Oh, and the inept guard is a minor concern.

And how much security is there supposed to be for this prison facility? I'd imagine that there'd be a bit more security. However, if this was a secret prison, one that's supposed to be off the charts, I'd imagine it'd be in a more discreet location.

Not much else to comment on, except looking forward for more to come.
5/16/2008 c54 MiroFTW
I like this Allmand character. I can see that this chapter is the beginning of the storm for an invasion on Location H, which I'm excited to see go down.

And yet at the same time, there's Alexander and Storvey now going to Mongolia. I'm waiting to see what that arc turns up.

Honestly, there's not so much to poke at here because not much happens. Dialogue is good, your sentences flow and Allmand presents a fresh new face to this already-intriguing cast of characters. Besides the praise, not much more else to say.

Moving on now.
5/16/2008 c53 MiroFTW
I'll be honest, I'm a bit surprised Raven accepted herself as an android so easily. I mean if she was made properly, she'd be flooded with emotion, and confusion, like any "human" would. In fact, in the interest of his own safety and the rest of Location H's, I'd imagine it'd probably be better if David didn't tell her that she was a robot until sometime afterwards. I mean, what happens if she went Terminator all of a sudden?

To be honest, I'm pretty sure the Federation must've invested a lot of money into her, and to say that she's expendable sounds a bit silly. I mean, she IS a walking cold-fusion reactor.

And instead of sending in the nuke, wouldn't it be easier to just have HER blow up?

Uhm, nothing else to touch upon. Onto the next chapter.
5/16/2008 c52 MiroFTW
Another thing I didn't quite understand that I forgot to put in the last review:

Why is it necessary for the Feds to nuke Haven? It'd be a lot more easier/discreet to just take the base over by military force.

A few things about this chapter:

Why is Raven's access port behind her ear? Wouldn't it be smarter to have it in a more discreet place that she couldn't figure out?

Why would the Feds leave the video in a third folder? So other hackers could access it? It'd be smarter just to delete that.

Other than those questions, nothing more else to comment on. Solid chapter. Onto the next one.
5/16/2008 c51 MiroFTW
Another solid chapter. A few things to comment on:

I don't really understand the list of priorities of Laskin presented in this chapter. If Alexander is really a Federal agent,they should be more focused on a)tracking him down, or b) getting out of Haven first rather than focusing on Raven. I'd imagine that any sort of signal or transmission emitting from Raven would be automatically blocked out by some kind of electromagnetic shield or something.

Hack an android? Sure, I know Raven's an android, but a computer also now? It sounds almost.. comical. I'm pretty sure there's other ways to extract information out of her, but hacking her sounds funny.

Onto the next chapter.
5/16/2008 c50 MiroFTW
Alright so yet again, school ate up my time for the greater part of the last two-three months which explains my hiatus away from . I read over the past few chapters and I like the changes you've made.

For chapter 48, I'm not much of a big fan of hearing philosophy in fast-paced thrillers, nor referencing to De Gausser, but I like the bit about a raison d'etre. Interested in seeing what Alexander is going to do from hereon out.

For chapter 49, the chase scene was a bit sloppy on Marco's part, which seems to make him and his partners almost inept. The one thing I have to point out is this scene:

[...Now it was only a matter of time.

She seemed to know this too, however, and quickly gave up on the door. If she wanted ammunition to survive the backup he had coming, she needed his.]

The quick jump from Marco's POV to Raven's and then back to Marco's is somewhat frowned upon in writing terms. Its acceptable in movies, but in a novel form, you should stick to a specific person's head. Head-jumping is a common mistake though as I've done it also on several occasions.

As for this chapter, I like how you changed the discovery of Raven's android secret in this sequence rather than what you had before. It makes everything a bit more believable. While I'm kinda curious why the doctors didn't do a check-up on Raven in her initial acceptance to Location H, I can live with what you have here.

Moving onto the next chapter.
5/2/2008 c53 10Lavender Quill
Good chapter. In a way you feel sorry for Raven, since everything she's ever known was a lie, but as David said she'll get used to it. You did a wonderful job with details...some day you have to publish this, in book format...I bet it would be a number one best seller...I'm serious...

as always I look forward to the next chapter, but am willing to wait for it...
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