for The Tain1/28/2007 c2 
5Twist130
Thanks for the heads up about the new stuff. Can you imagine me trying to figure it all out? My review would be frantic enough for you to shake your head in shame. Lol. Alright, so, on to the review:
Okay, so I just realized that he actually shot her. I thought you'd changed that before I got to the part where he pulled out her arrow. So you might want to make the fact that he shoots her a sentence, or at least longer than one word.
"He noticed a small, crooked tree that oddly drew him to it." This sounds very awkward. Maybe, "He noticed a small, crooked tree, and felt strangely drawn to it." Also, if that's where he shot what he thought was an animal, then wouldn't he be going there anyway?
Sor nice chapter! I'd read more now but I have to go do some stuff. Tata!
5Twist130Thanks for the heads up about the new stuff. Can you imagine me trying to figure it all out? My review would be frantic enough for you to shake your head in shame. Lol. Alright, so, on to the review:
Okay, so I just realized that he actually shot her. I thought you'd changed that before I got to the part where he pulled out her arrow. So you might want to make the fact that he shoots her a sentence, or at least longer than one word.
"He noticed a small, crooked tree that oddly drew him to it." This sounds very awkward. Maybe, "He noticed a small, crooked tree, and felt strangely drawn to it." Also, if that's where he shot what he thought was an animal, then wouldn't he be going there anyway?
Sor nice chapter! I'd read more now but I have to go do some stuff. Tata!
1/28/2007 c1 Twist130
Hey... I'm reviewing in hope that this will go through, because of the whole I already reviewed it thing. I love how you've redone this, it's really good. Anyway...
"The creature made its way to a strange tree, small yet penetrating." Is 'small but penetrating' talking about the creature or the tree? Where it's placed, it seems to be talking about the tree, so if it's not you want to put it in a different place.
"Long fingers curled around the hood, pulling it back as she stood gazing wistfully at the tree." This sentence is a little confusing. Perhaps, "Long fingers curled around the hood, pushing the heavy material away from the girl's wistful face."
"Nightmares that usually conquered her dreams awoke her as usual." You need a 'had' before 'awoke', and you should change 'awoke' to 'awoken'.
Nice ending, not much wrong here at all! I'm praying that fictionpress will let me send this review...
Cheers for getting rid of the measurements! You can still use them, only try and incorporate them in a subtle way. You know.
Hey... I'm reviewing in hope that this will go through, because of the whole I already reviewed it thing. I love how you've redone this, it's really good. Anyway...
"The creature made its way to a strange tree, small yet penetrating." Is 'small but penetrating' talking about the creature or the tree? Where it's placed, it seems to be talking about the tree, so if it's not you want to put it in a different place.
"Long fingers curled around the hood, pulling it back as she stood gazing wistfully at the tree." This sentence is a little confusing. Perhaps, "Long fingers curled around the hood, pushing the heavy material away from the girl's wistful face."
"Nightmares that usually conquered her dreams awoke her as usual." You need a 'had' before 'awoke', and you should change 'awoke' to 'awoken'.
Nice ending, not much wrong here at all! I'm praying that fictionpress will let me send this review...
Cheers for getting rid of the measurements! You can still use them, only try and incorporate them in a subtle way. You know.
1/14/2007 c1 2M.R.Sanner
Yay you have a story up ! Sorry I didn't review it earlier and I must say I enjoyed the first chapter it was very well written and excuted . I loved the ending for this it makes me want to read more ( which I will if my father doesn't kick me off the computer ) .
P.S. Just to let yah know I have a couple new chapters of my story up ( sorry it took so long ! )
COnfuzzld Me
2M.R.SannerYay you have a story up ! Sorry I didn't review it earlier and I must say I enjoyed the first chapter it was very well written and excuted . I loved the ending for this it makes me want to read more ( which I will if my father doesn't kick me off the computer ) .
P.S. Just to let yah know I have a couple new chapters of my story up ( sorry it took so long ! )
COnfuzzld Me
1/8/2007 c5 Counting Petals
I love how, despite the fact that she's supposed to be "extraordinary", Armalan is still human. Great job showing us that side of her!
I love how, despite the fact that she's supposed to be "extraordinary", Armalan is still human. Great job showing us that side of her!
1/5/2007 c7 32Mayaj
Heh, only got the alerts for this now... gave me an excuse to read it again! When do we get more?
32MayajHeh, only got the alerts for this now... gave me an excuse to read it again! When do we get more?
1/4/2007 c4 Counting Petals
"Why? She did not know."
I don't really like the "did not know" here. It seems redundant. She's questioning herself, which implies that she doesn't know.
Solitude is nice. So are trees. I can relate.
"Why? She did not know."
I don't really like the "did not know" here. It seems redundant. She's questioning herself, which implies that she doesn't know.
Solitude is nice. So are trees. I can relate.
1/2/2007 c2 Counting Petals
I didn't really like how you kept switching tenses in the description of the Svaer. It seemed kind of...I dunno...sloppy, in a way. Could you just pick a tense and stick to it, maybe?
Other than that, I liked this chapter. The history was really interesting. And where did the woman come from? (I guess I'll just have to keep reading, huh?)
I didn't really like how you kept switching tenses in the description of the Svaer. It seemed kind of...I dunno...sloppy, in a way. Could you just pick a tense and stick to it, maybe?
Other than that, I liked this chapter. The history was really interesting. And where did the woman come from? (I guess I'll just have to keep reading, huh?)
1/2/2007 c2 1Narc
Well, the first chapter made me think that this might be really interesting, but the second kind of turned me off. Nothing really happened after he shot her, just a whole lot of description. Particularly bothersome were the lines like 'the woman had a slight, narrow body that constant hunger had carved of any fat'. Is that really one of the first thing your character notices about a girl with an arrow in her back? That she's pretty and skinny?
1NarcWell, the first chapter made me think that this might be really interesting, but the second kind of turned me off. Nothing really happened after he shot her, just a whole lot of description. Particularly bothersome were the lines like 'the woman had a slight, narrow body that constant hunger had carved of any fat'. Is that really one of the first thing your character notices about a girl with an arrow in her back? That she's pretty and skinny?
1/1/2007 c1 Counting Petals
I love the descriptions, I can see everything clearly. And the ending, because now I want to read more. Good job!
I love the descriptions, I can see everything clearly. And the ending, because now I want to read more. Good job!