for Another Time, Another Place1/16/2007 c1 
16V-Hip
The language is a bit overly complex, particularly early on, and that sometimes leads to phrases that don't really make sense (Poise frozen, for example). There are some points where it works and makes the narration richer, but a lot of the rest just needs some pruning.
By the way, is Mr. Norton going to become important later in the story? If not, you really don't need to describe his class as much as you do. If so, nice foreshadowing.
16V-HipThe language is a bit overly complex, particularly early on, and that sometimes leads to phrases that don't really make sense (Poise frozen, for example). There are some points where it works and makes the narration richer, but a lot of the rest just needs some pruning.
By the way, is Mr. Norton going to become important later in the story? If not, you really don't need to describe his class as much as you do. If so, nice foreshadowing.