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for Out of My Hands

1/31/2007 c3 70Bob Evans
Sorry I haven't reviewed in awhile (didn't realize you'd updated). I'm amazed at how well you describe and create your characters. Brownie points to you.

Well, got some more chapters to read. Keep up the good work!

~Bob Evans
1/30/2007 c4 jmu
sorry i didn`t review for chapter two or three - i have exams this week & it`s not fun :

anyway, this is turning out to be one of those awesome, dark fics...not dark, okay, but it`s not the same as the search, shadow & nice guys...

reading this made me feel drunk actually...hahah actually i think i shouldn`t have tried that crazy irish cream liqueur thing today...

poor ashley...i`d hug her, but i`m going to fall over any second now from sleepiness...

cookie for a chapter?

1/28/2007 c3 smelly
somehow this story seems to be inspired by a certain january trip. it is good, and funnily enough, ashley reminds me a little of an ashley i know here in sd. yay for reading good stories!
1/28/2007 c3 ed
ahh, good chapter!

wow, wasnt expecting the update to be soo soon, =]

ash and nat, fuck, so hot. hahaha
1/28/2007 c2 StepfordShipper
Wow I just love this story i cant wait to see how it turns out! keep up the great work!
1/28/2007 c2 ed
really like your new story!

Ash sounds pretty cool, and im still trying to figure out whos the sister thats getting married?..ah well.

hope you update soon. =]
1/28/2007 c1 1Lord Kelvin
Ah, yes. What a mature summary. Seeing such a serious topic pleases the eye, but if you are a teen, you can mess up the things you don't know about nine times out of ten.

Let me explain a silly rule on this site: the word "fuck" can be used once per chapter in a T-rated story. It was public a while ago, but now, I guess, they decided to make it more confusing.

Your author's note is a horrible experience, my colleague. Hate me, if you must, but whatever you post - you are responsible for it. Capitals, commas - do your magic. That should be rather obvious to you.

The format tells me that this chapter is one long dialogue extract. Very well. What interests a critic is that you often put a description paragraph to keep the level up. Now, I read.

Okay. I read the first paragraph and my eyes don't want more. Introductions are hard to do and readers want to see it done as "quick release" to soothe their hormonal needs. However, you should appeal to authorship more than the general audience. You've bottled up a very complicated situation in three lines. Slow down, don't hit me with information I can't handle after breakfast.

"A piercing shriek emitted from the front seat went off" - you let out a noise twice here. Never let a critic pick on your introductory paragraph. Never.

Don't trust "sharp-LY" "slight-LY" in your story. In my eyes, at least, the suffix gets overinflated and I start spotting every adverb that comes after. You shouldn't let a reader to phase in on a certain word type. That makes spotting flaws easier. One similar-suffix adverb per sentence saves you a bother.

Yes. You are fond of your "-ly" suffix. That is a flaw. "Suddenly" can be replaced with "all of a sudden" etc.

"It was a gas station bathroom so you can imagine how fresh it was. I made a face and I looked in the mirror as I dug into my purse, looking for my powder. You’d think, given how well my cousin and I got along, that I would be a complete tomboy, but I’m really not. I had on a black pea coat over a teal scoop neck t-shirt, jeans, and boots, with gold dangly earrings peeking out of my straight brown hair. I dashed a little powder over the oily spots on my face and then clicked it closed, leaning forward to examine my face in the mirror. There were small, barely visible lines around my mouth… Cody was right, I needed to quit, which I would."

Count me the pronouns. My irises are spinning from the Is and mes. Pronouns are your enemy. They are most of the time, since they love being abused. Abuse is a sick thing to do.

I would be merciful. I want to be merciful. I will be merciful on one condition: "but i've read worse so this is hardly horrible." For heck sakes, remove this horrid cockamamie nonsense. That has got to be the lamest excuse for anything that wants to stand as literature. The single sentence fragment makes me urge to make you feel bad, but words cannot describe the anger I feel. As you can see, yours truly is not easy to please and is passionate about reading. Have me purring like a kitten and I'll praise you better than all of those amateurs. Disappoint me and you'll get hurt. Never take the bad writers as an excuse to present something that is not the best of your skill. Simple logics.

Throughout the chapter, I've tried to get into your characters' heads. They're so fake and shallow - a perfect performance. I couldn't help sparking an emotion, be there only negative, for their thoughts, but you've made me do it. That is your achievement. If I was able to not stay indifferent, that is a good thing for you.

Now then. I wasn't very attentive since I was afraid to see the things that I might dislike, but you deserve a fair share of the cake. I hope this does not poke your ego too much.


Have a nice, abuse-free day.
1/22/2007 c1 70Bob Evans

This was a fun chapter to read. Too much fun. Love the characters, and can't wait to see their fates. Especially since I know the real-life version of Ashley.

Speaking of which, can you tell me where her account on here is? I can't seem to find it.

~Bob Evans
1/20/2007 c1 jmu
bitchy girls drive me insane. i completely understand ashley - my best friend`s exgirlfriend was EXACTLY like tessa [omg HOW annoying *grits teeth*]

in any case, it`s nice to read a story about a girl who isn`t drooling over boys [although it can hardly be said that izzy or ana drooled over boys...] :)

i guess i have nothing left to do but wait for an update?

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