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for Blue Dune

4/17/2007 c1 feeder
ok, well, you have good grammar, vocabulary and all that kind of thing. And your description is impressive and varied too.

I have a couple of comments to make:

"“Goard, what business brings you below deck?” Said Dune" - when you are using a dialogue tag you don't need to put it in uppercase, so it should be written: 'said Dune'.

"Let’s get this show on the road real snappy like" - like Dave said in his review, this doesn't work well. I doubt that an experienced sailor like Dune who has lived her life on a ship would be likely to say something like that anyway, as well as the fact that it doesn't seem to fit your setting.

"Rruff!" - personally I dislike trying to type out a sound like that, I think it works better to just say 'Gilly barked' or something like that.

This is a very good start, and I will review the 2nd chapter at some point too.

Keep up the good work.
4/8/2007 c1 12iamthedave
We've talked plenty and I always did say I've review some of your stories. Sorry about sort of forgetting that.

Cool start. Different to the usual FP fair and well described. So good props there. Ship based tales always raise concerns and a lot of people get it wrong, but you don't.

-It was a grim day for Dune. The dark clouds boded ill, as did the light drizzle that settled over the restless sea. The sun retreated early, picking up her shining skirts and concealing herself within a thunder head, apparently unaware of her charge drifting helplessly across the boundless ocean.

Good start. The first sentence confuses things just a little, though, as the feminisation of the sun instinctively makes you think that it's dune you're describing, when you're not.

-He gripped the door post with an enormous hand to keep from toppling with the rolling of the ship.

This wouldn't be necessary. If they're able to have a conversation the ship can't be rolling that heavily, and as a seaman he'll naturally adjust to anything but the most extreme rocking.

-Let’s get this show on the road real snappy like.

Don't like this. Very anachronistic.

-expertly counteracting the rolling of the ship without even thinking

Clumsy. If she does it without thinking, you as the author shouldn't need to draw much attention to it.

-Lines were grinding against pulleys, equipment was being lugged into place, men flying pell-mell about the deck or just standing and hollering at each other.

Lots of -ing endings here. Try to use past tense -eds where possibly or other strong past tense words.

-Then the dragons were measured, tagged, and tied up like a holiday package.

Possibly anachronistic.

As always, my usual sign off: Please R & R my stories.
4/5/2007 c1 Arrow Windwhistler
Not my kind of story, but it's definately really nice. Good description, good character stuff...yeah. Overall it's really good. My only suggestion would be to improve the title. It doesn't do the fic justice =P
1/29/2007 c2 whycantwedeleteourownaccounts
i agree. let the baby live! i'll be looking out for the next chap!
1/29/2007 c1 whycantwedeleteourownaccounts
great adj. use. there are a few places where there are to many adj.s tho. sometimes its good to leave it up to the reader's imagination and also to not drag on and on. but sometimes its better to say things blankly. like, is gilly a dog or a cat? guessing a dog, but i couldnt really tell. you also need to describe your characters a bit more. and how they look. other than that, it was great!

AW! poor dragons! T-T thats sad...

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