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1/22/2009 c1 18Serious Sonneteer
Descriptions of angsty, highly disturbed, suicidal teenage girls dying in one gruesome way or another are becoming increasingly hackneyed. So honestly this doesn't offer much interest, at least for me.

Having said that though there are some things I like.

Quote: on her jagged bed of broken dreams

Simple but very vivid and appropriate juxtaposition. The agony of crushed hopes, being likened to a bed of thorns, is given a near physical intensity here. Good.

I also like how death is portrayed in positive terms, which I suppose is meant to more or less fit in with the character's desire to commit suicide.

Quote: , similar in destructive power to those of the Beast she has stood brave in the face of so many times.

You might want to omit details like these because this isn't a story and there's no actual plot. You're just writing a scene, just plain description. So you might as well concentrate on writing a good description.

Quote: her evanescent rage is spent, and

EVANESCENT seems out of place here. Clearly you're using this word for the sake of it. Besides you already have SUDDENLY to inform the reader of the passing nature of her rage so adding EVANESCENT is just plain tautologous and adds no value.

Quote: Her prayers freeze, and for a moment, the small cloud before her mouth goes unreplenished and dies.

This whole sentence needs to be reworded. Your expression is highly awkward here. I could probably accept prayers freezing if I tried but not her breath being UNREPLENISHED. It just seems like the wrong word here.

Quote: one smoothly powerful motion

MOVE would sound better.

All in all it's not a bad piece of writing, but it isn't fantastic either, partly because the subject is a timeworn one.
11/17/2008 c1 16MadamWriterGal
I love the visual details put into this; I can tell that a lot of time was spent on creating the scene and the feeling of the main character. I really like the end, although it was a bit sad. It was very good!
11/18/2007 c1 2acertainspark
this is absolutely brilliant. your descriptions were beautiful and vivid. please write more :]
11/16/2007 c1 281ThisCut-UpAngel
That gave me chills.

Very well done!
3/30/2007 c1 26Jamestastic
that was fucking beautiful. i envy your talent.
2/28/2007 c1 10251294129570128321
This is amazing writing you have here. The details are vivid and beautiful and I haven't found anything wrong with it. Keep up the good work!

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