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for Elemental Kingdom

4/6/2007 c6 Punksheep
Yay, review for the next chapter! First off, i hope your feeling better ^^: probably not though ;.;

ok, "She liked to think of them as more of a blood color, than a ruby" a little uncreative lol, im thinking the color your looking for is called "Crimson" as in "She liked to think of them as more of a crimson, then a ruby."

"Marlina’s face finally un blurred." How about "Marlina's face finally came into focus."

"She had been coming here ever since she had been on her home and found her home." O.o hmm that doesnt sound very right, i would use one or the other, change that sentance completely.

"Elina wanted to cry, in fact, she sure felt like crying." There really isnt any difference between her wanting to cry and her feeling like crying. So.. your just repeating yourself there.
4/5/2007 c5 Punksheep
Whee :P 2 chapters at once! lets start with the first one.

First off i noticed 2 incidences:

"She lay on a grassy hill, peacefully staring up at the sky with her hands resting behind her head to serve as some kind of cushion for her head as she lay there."

o.o long sentance, and it makes you sound repetitive because you put head twice. i would put "She lay on a grassy hill, peacefully staring up at the sky. Her hands rested behind her head to serve as a cushion."

You also do it here:

"She just happened to notice it was nice outside and decided to spend some time outside."

Get rid of one of the outside and reword this sentance! You be yelling "Your being nitpicky brandi!" but it really can make you sound repetitive and when that happens, it may make your writing seem novice. Which isnt good yes?

O.o i feel im getting more picky with you because i found something else:

"And that was when the figure rushed at her. Everything moved in slow motion, at least, it seemed to Elina. Vaguely, she was aware of some kind of tingling feeling on her hand. The symbol on her hand glowed lightly, tingling her hand."

first off, get rid of the "And" you should never start a sentance with "And" and the ending... the word "Tingling"

How about putting "Vaguely, She was aware of the symbol glowing lightly now, sending a tingling sensation through her fingers"

...i love this story.. but you really need to get out of the habit of repeating words in sentances. Even after what i just pointed out i found a couple more examples of it lol. i of course will just leave it at that and go on with something else.

"“She will accept her fate,” Started the first speaker, while the second continued the first’s train of thought. “She has no choice,” The second speaker finished."

Get rid of "While the second continuted the firsts train of thought" and just start a new paragraph when the 2nd speaker...speaks.

"The figure merely laughed, and Elina finally realized that the voice was masculine. At least, she thought it was. It didn’t matter, she’d just assume this person was male. Not like she really cared. Why should she? He tried to kill her."

She just now realised he was a man? :/ mm...thats a little unbeleivable considering he said all that stuff before.

...i have more critisism but i feel like im picking at every little thing so i shall tell you later :P i hope i didnt piss you off.. feel free to kill me when we chat *runs and hides*
4/4/2007 c6 21Lauren DM Smith
Maris. My money's on Maris. Anyway I quite liked this chapter. Heh heh. Poor Elina gets all this dumped on her at once. Hee Hee.
4/4/2007 c5 Lauren DM Smith
Hurray! An update. Two in fact. Ok I just have two little things. First off, if Elina swears by the gods wouldn't that mean she already knows of them? Even if she didn't believe if the religion is that widespread it would figure she'd have at least heard of it. And secondly I'm a bit surprised that Elina both brough them back to her house and believed them so easily. Anyway, it was a great chapter. I want to know more about the man in black!
3/12/2007 c4 Punksheep
Yay! i read it! =D of course, i wish it had been longer, but i wont complain because it was nice to get atleast something out to your readers!

I can see your effort in trying to destinguish personalities, but dont let it get in the way of being creative and deffinatly dont let it forshadow the story-line. But good! im pleased with this :P

and, i have an idea for your next chapter just incase your having trouble, but i wont voice it here :P ill wait untill your online lol.
3/10/2007 c4 Lauren DM Smith
Hee Hee Hee. Awesome! You updated. I am happy. Just one comment this time around, it's better to show something instead of point-blank saying it. Through action demonstrate their personalities instead of just saying it. Mind you I really should be the last person saying this because I do it near constantly. Oh well. I still love the story. Keep at it.
3/10/2007 c3 Lauren DM Smith
I have to say nice start. I like it so far. Some suggestions, which you can freely ignore as it's like the pot calling the kettle black, I keep seeing the word whipping when I think you mean wiping but I could be wrong. Also it might have been nice to give the old High Priestess a name to at least avoid the constant repetition of 'the old High Priestess'. And lastly if Mara's the younger sister, shouldn't it have been 'and turned to face the younger sister' not older. Anyway like I said good story. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
3/4/2007 c1 Marie-Antoinette
Gabbsy! I absolutely love this! And I TOLD YOU YOU WERE ONLY BEING MODEST! This reminds me of anime cartoons and avatar! I want you to write more!

2/2/2007 c3 Counting Petals
I have to agree with Punksheep. We don't know anything about these characters or the place they're in, which gives us no reason to care about them. At the moment it's just like, "Hey, she's the Chosen One. How nice for her." Give us a reason to care.

I am liking the plot though. I hope you update soon!
2/1/2007 c3 Punksheep
That was pretty good, i was really glad to see another chapter from you ^.^

However, if i may suggest a few things(solely to help you better your story, not to crush or "smite" you *rolls eyes*)

Well, i kind of have a hard time invisioning this kingdom or wherever the priestess is. You lack any detail towards it and what kind of kingdom it is. in most cases, less is always more when it comes to describing things and going into detail, but you dont want to less of it ^^;

And i also have a hardtime locking on to the charecters, because i know so little about them, meaning, i guess, i cant really discover a personality in any of them.

Hmm well, i hope that you take my words into consideration. actually, i when i was talking about the descriptions the pendragon series by DJ machale came to mind, I think he does wonderfully at describing words and i hope that you check him out ^.^

Well, ill be watching for the next chapter, i hope you dont keep me waiting to long!
1/28/2007 c1 12Lccorp2

Oh lookie here, what do we have?


-The whole of the first chapter is nothing but a plot device, and the goddess of the wind is nothing but a plot device, too. E-gads. When you start creating characters out of necessity, step back and think a while. You're not doing any of them justice.

-If the high priestess is old and feeble, there's no EFFING way in hell she's weilding a sword. Sorry. Even a light blade like a rapier or shortsword will require more strength than that, and of course you don't even bother to specify what kind of sword it is, leaving it as a generic "sword". Pft. I'm sorry, but a "sword" does not quite cut it. A saber works differently from a rapier which works differently from a claymore which works differently from a flamberge, and so forth.

Don't argue and tell me you don't know about these, because research is out of the damn question.

-"Simple, merely look for the one with the symbol on the left hand. Now, I must depart. I wish you good luck, High Priestess."


Gee. And ANYTHING can be construed as a symbol.

I really hate it when there's no godamned reason for ambiguity. Consider the motivation of those giving information to the heroes. Amusingly enough, the characters often seem to spend more time thinking about this than the author does. The hero might recoil from the black-cloaked stranger who walks up and tells him that his life is in danger, wondering if this is a joke or if someone is trying to trick him. Of course, it usually doesn't turn out to be a joke, and so that question is answered. The author often forgets to provide the black-cloaked stranger with any adequate motivation, though. Why does he want to warn the hero, particularly if he's the enemy? If he's a friend, why not give a more detailed and protective warning? It doesn't make any sense. The same thing happens with the villain blabbing all about his plans to the heroes just before he tries to kill them.

Give your people who do reveal information an adequate motive. Please. Feeling superior to the hero and wanting to gloat are not adequate motivations, partially because they're overused and partially because few villains are developed in the directions that would make it plausible: arrogant braggarts who take pleasure in seeing others' eyes widen in wonder or awe. They often keep their plans secret from their own minions. Why are they blabbing about them to the heroes?

The same thing applies to information left behind. To return to the example in my fourth point, why in the world did whoever burned or scratched out half the prophecy leave the rest? Why not destroy the whole thing? The scholar might get suspicious about the loss in the book, but she would have much less to go on. There should be an excellent reason for the giving of information, particularly if it's information harmful to the person giving it.

Looking at your next chapter, I am going to have a fun time smiting this. Lovely beyond compare (god forbid any protagonists be plain-looking) despite being full of wangst because people hate her and having to fecking live on the streets since 6 (which I really find doubtful)? Check. Chosen One? Check.

*smites again for good measure*
1/28/2007 c2 Punksheep
^.^ good 2nd chapter. i cant wait to read more.
1/28/2007 c2 Counting Petals
" "Yes, High Priestess?"

She had replied respectfully, coming to stand at the woman's bedside."

You don't need to start a new paragraph for something like that, just when you have another speaker. That was really my only issue. I liked the first two chapters, they did a nice job setting the scene. Can't wait to read more!
1/28/2007 c1 Punksheep
Lol, well i thought it was a good start to your story. i would have likes to see more, and hopefully you wont keep me waiting to long. ^.^

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